S.O.S.

Hello internet world.

I'm coming to you today, because I have a confession. A truth, if you will. I don't want there to be any misconceptions about who I am, or what I am. I read my blog, and I think "Wow. I sound so brave and confident" but that is a lie. 

See, I struggle with something that I would imagine most teens do, but today I am going to share with you, MY perspective on the issue. 

I am not confident. At all. Why? Because I have acne. 

Since I was like, 11, I've struggled with it. I can still remember mornings as a little kid, where I wore hats to cover my forehead because I wasn't into makeup yet. Then, once I was into makeup, I spent countless hours watching makeup tutorials on how to make your skin flawless. It never worked. 

My face has been pretty much covered in acne since I was 11. Sometimes, it was huge painful zits under my skin that seemed to take up half my face, other times it was thousands of angry red spots that wouldn't go away. Often, it was a mix a both.
 No. 
Often, it IS a mix of both.

 I wake up in the mornings a lot, and I don't even want to look at my face. All is see is my acne. My first thoughts of the day are  "I hope my skin is better. I hope that cream worked. I wonder if my skin is better. Dear God, please let my skin be better." and pretty soon, I can feel the pain  slowly creep back into my face, and my thoughts are answered, before I even look in the mirror. I hate it.  I honestly can tell you that I pretty much hate my face, just because of my skin. I try hours and layers of makeup to try to hide the red sore bumps. Makeup looks horrible on my skin, so I wash it off and just go for a thin layer of cover up. 

I can't hide it. I can't fix it. I have tried night creams, rituals. I have done research on skin problems, diet, physical exercise, the benefits of egg masks, genetic acne, stress, anxiety, how to fix all of these things. If there was a DIY face mask or cleans on pinterest that promised results, you bet I was doing it. Charcoal, turmeric, yogurt, honey. I've tried egg masks, I've tried different face cleansers and moisturizers and toners. I have tried coconut oil, and tea tree oil. I've tried oil pulls, detoxes, and lack there of. I have been loyal to twice-daily rituals, and lack there-of. I have tried everything I could possibly think of.  It either has no effect, or makes the acne worse. 

I feel guilty about hating my face too! People are like "you are so beautiful" and they give me so many compliments, and I just sit inside of myself, livid with hate for my face. Feeling horrible because I don't even know how to respond to their compliments. I feel like everyone is staring at my forehead instead of my eyes. Like, hello. My eyes are down here, even though it looks like I have a million little ones growing on my face. I feel like I should like my face. Like I should be confident. But I am not. I don't know how to be. I don't even know how to look past it. 

All I see are scars and bumps. All I feel is my skin trying to explode itself off of my face. And people always have suggestion like "well maybe if you didn't wear makeup" or "have you tried this? Or that?" and I know its all in good taste and people are just trying to help, but in my brain, all I hear is "That's so gross. Do you even wash your face?" 

I can still remember the one day I decided to not wear makeup to school in the junior high, cause everyone has acne, right? Well. Actually, for some reason, no. Not everyone did. Yes, most kids in my class had the occasional zit or two on their otherwise flawless skin. The other kids had perfect skin. I don't even know how. Yes, there were other kids with skin like mine, but even they grew out of it! Anyways. Back to that one day. I got asked if I had a skin disease, I got made fun of (worse than normal) and all I wanted to do is hide. 

I even want to hide today. My makeup looks horrible on my skin. I'm constantly fighting with myself. All I want to do is hide. I even cry. Heck, I cried today while I did the dishes. Because I hate my skin. 

I want to be the girl that feels confident in photos, regardless of weather I'm wearing makeup or not. Heck. I just want to feel confident when I am doing this dishes at my house. I want to be able to not wear makeup. I want to be able to just be myself instead of constantly feeling the need to hide, because no one deserves the punishment of looking at my face.


I did not make this post to get sympathy. I made this post so that kids like me, who are 17 and have skin blemishes, can see that they are not alone. I know I feel completely alone. I don't see anyone here with skin issues. Its insane. What am I missing? What am I doing? Or not doing? Why is your face perfect? 

This is a call for help. If you know something about this, if you have ideas on how to make my skin stop. If you know someone who might have ideas, or is going through the same thing, share this blog. Have them get hold of me. I am desperate. I am almost 18. I do not want to walk at my graduation, wishing so bad that I did not have to remove my cap, because the whole world could then see my inflamed gross face.  

Mirror Mirror, On the Wall...

How many times in a day do we look in the mirror? Or any kind of reflection? I probably look too often. Isn't it curious how you can see different things when you look though? Maybe you look one day and you think "nah. Today is not a good face day" Or just. Whatever. And the next you're like "Wowie! Steppin' out lookin' FRESH to DEATH" (I don't actually think that. It makes my brain laugh when I say it in my head.) 

I've always looked in the mirror and saw myself, whoever that might have been at the time. 

What if you looked in the mirror once though, and saw something you never expected to see. 

I get told that I look like my cousins a lot. That I look like my aunt. But I looked in the mirror and I saw my mom. I saw her beautiful eyes, sparkling at me. Her soft smile. I don't know what it was, but I was taken so off guard. I was glowing. A beauty I have never seen before (in myself) I looked like my mom. I saw her in my face. I can't pin point what features (Except eyes and smile) but wow. She is so beautiful. I saw that. It was honestly the most amazing thing ever. 

Then it kinda just hit me. 

My mom is an actual, physical part of me. I will have her with me, always. No matter where I go or what I do. I don't have to say her name for her to be a part of the conversation. I don't have to tell you about her for you to know who she is, because (I hope) I portray her. I hope I'm like her. Not just in physical attributes, but in the way I present myself, the way I speak. My humor. My work ethic. (my parents share that) My drive, my ambition. My mom is my best friend, and I've been told so many times that you are who you hang with. I hope that's true in this case. All elements of me. My dad is too! I just don't see him when I look at myself. 

I see him when I'm outside and my muscles flex. I see him when I know something about trucks or tires, or when I am able to confidently present myself during public speaking. I see him when I am changing pipe alone. I feel so strong, and I know its my dads push that made me strong. Or when I drive a stick shift. I wouldn't have even tried to learn (I don't think) if not for my dad. 

I kept dwelling on this. About how my mom is such a real part of me. People get to know who my mom is, simply by knowing me.

God is a part of me in the same regard. I should be teaching people who God is, just by being who I am. I want people to look at me, and see Him. There should be a family resemblance. After all, He made me.  His kindness, unconditional love, His wisdom, Him. I strive to be like God. to have grace like Jesus. So that people look at me and know.



This blog was more to make you think, and maybe look more at what you are and who you are than the blemishes on your skin (I will be the first to admit that I focus primarily on the blemishes on my skin). Why would I call myself ugly if I think my mother is the most beautiful woman on earth, and I look in the mirror and see her? Does that make sense to anyone? That's like calling your twin ugly. 


Just think about it. Message me with any thoughts you have, or leave them in the comments!!! Your comments make my day brighter, every time. Thank you!