Hang On

When I was a senior in high school, my youth pastor brought me to this state wide Christian conference and at some point, I had mentioned that nobody could embarrass me. You have to know 18 year old Georgia to really understand this story, but basically he spent a week “trying” to embarrass  me and it ended with me shaking my tail to the squirrel song on a huge screen in front of like 500 people. 

I was not embarrassed. In fact, I thought it was hilarious. I also think though, he wasn’t really trying to embarrass me. That would have been mean and my youth pastor was actually a pretty fun guy. He shaved his head, his legs, and I do believe he even did some fancy designs in his beard for kids camp if we had the most campers… he was a guy who liked to bring joy to a group of awkward teens. 

Have you heard the song “Hang On” by NEEDTOBREATHE?

If not, look it up. It’s a fantastic song. To me, it sounds like the summer after you graduate. Just that, arms open, world-in-front-of-you freedom. Youth. It feels like being young again. 

Now some of you may be rolling your eyes at me. I’m 24. To you, I’m still young. I get that, I really do… other kids my age are just graduating college, but I’m not young anymore. I’m a wife. I’m a mommy. The word “potential “ looks so different for me now, even than it did when I was 20 (even though I was a wife then, too) 

This blogpost is a farewell. Not forever, but a for now. Hopefully someday I come back and blog about suburban homesteading in the fastest growing city in America, but today I speak to the kids, and I give one last nugget of advice. 

Hang on. Live in the moment. Soak it up. You’re going to want to look back on these days because they will be the sunshine on your face someday. Not that being an adult doesn’t have its own sparkle, but these days coming home from school to your mom’s fresh baked zucchini bread. Seeing the boy you have a crush on at the football game, driving downtown to get a milkshake with your friends…. All those things are moments that can’t be re-fabricated once you leave youth. They are special. Being worried about tests, the way the school smells… things you might hate now. Quicker than you think… it becomes nostalgia. 

Tonight, for the 205th night in a row, I will wake up at least three times to feed my sweet baby and rock her back to sleep. Tomorrow I might feel groggy. She’s sick so I might not get much sleep at all, but while I hold her, all I can think is “she will never be this small again. Why rush through it” 

Life will be full of chapters. Each one different and beautiful and full of joy. Each one special, each one inimitable. Why rush any of them? I wish I knew when I was 15 that someday, I’d smile on those moments. I’d see them as growth, I’d find their place on the Giant Map of Blessings the Lord laid out for my life. 

High school was hard for me. I honestly can’t remember any of it until I got transferred to Alt Ed, and then my brain is flooded with memories of cheer, prom, my brother and I jumping in the lake, full clothed after graduation. Grabbing a shake and fries at R&R… so relax, and let your brain remember wonderful things. If you spend too much time trying to rush and survive and escape… you’re going to miss where you are, and there are ALWAYS beautiful moments. 

So to wrap up this longer blog post, when I was 18, I didn’t mind making myself look silly. I lived in that moment, I have no idea what anybody else thought. I don’t even remember if anybody brought it up to me later. I just remember laughing. I hung on, and I’m so thankful. Today I’m hanging on. I’m in this moment, and I know when I’m telling my toddler bedtimes stories, I’ll be so thankful. 

3 years later

 Happy three year anniversary to my hubby and I!! To celebrate, we stayed home in our air conditioned house (brand new AC system 😵) 

The Lord put something on my heart a few weeks ago and I’ve waited to share it so I hope I’m not too late! Luckily He didn’t need to put me in a whale to get me to finally do what He asked… I just hope I say it right cause it’s kinda tricky  

1Timothy 4:12 NIV  Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.

I am a fresh 24 years old. Three years ago today, I got married in front of God and my family to my love, my hero, my William. Three months ago I gave birth to our daughter, and three months before that I bought a house. I’m not bragging I’m simply laying out my resume and setting the sene for what I have to say. 

I have felt like I was holding my breath for the last six months. To the point where I actually had pretty bad chest pain and needed to take a break from work because my lungs were swollen with stress (that’s a real thing). I’m so young. That’s what everybody (not EVERYBODY) says. In this economy, how can I afford anything? I don’t have the firm foundation of years of work or life under my belt. Maybe I’m not mature enough to raise a kid. I don’t know myself yet, my marriage will end in divorce because we will grow into “ourselves” and won’t like each other anymore. 

It feels like I’ve just skipped the line and gotten on a ride at Disney that says you have to be this tall to ride, even though I’m about a foot too short. This is too good to be true. How did I manage to accomplish this? When is the shoe going to drop? When will my husband and I enter that part of our relationship where we decide we hate each other and I spend the rest of my life in a loveless marriage? When is my house going to get foreclosed on, or burned down. At what point will my kid get taken from me because I’m not fit to be her mother. There is no way I’m 24 and handling ALL THIS. 

Well… in this case I don’t think age matters. The Lord has been showing me that over and over recently. I know people who are almost 30 that I don’t think are ready for marriage, and I know people who are 22 and impress me with their wisdom and maturity. One of the moms I’m friends with is 22, has an almost 2 year old, a house, and a wonderful husband. I was floored when I found out she was 22. I laughed it off at first thinking she was kidding. Either way though, God has a plan and timing for them. I worry that the younger people will be afraid of taking that step (and end up waisting time) because somebody older hasn’t reached that point yet.  

I was sitting in church and I saw a guy wearing a 1Timothy 4:12 bracelet and I just had this conviction wash over me. 

I was told countless times that I was too young to get married. I needed to wait. 

“Nobody ever said ‘I wish I’d gotten married younger’” 

But look at what I would have missed out on. Life’s GREAT adventure! Marriage has grown me, strengthened me, and sculpted me. Motherhood has tried me, softened me, and reassured me. Being a wife and a mother at the same time has been a challenge! A wonderful challenge, and I wouldn’t even be here yet if I had waited. I swore up and down to my mom that I wouldn’t get married until I was 23. But… I was pregnant at 23 😂 

Here is the thing though: my husband and I listened to God. We were ready for marriage and God gave us the green light. I’m so worried about things, forgetting that God is the one who gave them to me. I fear that somebody will be too afraid to take that leap. I fear that somebody will listen to what the world says and let it keep them from the greatest adventure of all time. 

Marriage isn’t easy. Homeownership sucks a little, but is also the best thing ever. Being an adult is scary. I find myself calling my mom, wishing I could go back to my little apartment, wanting to be a kid again, afraid of how I’m going to climb that mountain. Then, I reach the summit and all I see below and behind me, are the blessings the Lord was preparing me for. Sometimes, that blessing looks like a confidence in my ability to accomplish and conquer, other times it looks like sweet rewards for all my effort. 

Three years later, I don’t regret a day of it. Three years later I pray my husband and I have been an encouragement to other young couples. I hope we can inspire those around us, like those around us have inspired our lives. My whole point is this: 

Don’t be discouraged because you’re young. People are gonna talk. Everybody has something to say, not everything is worth listening to. Seek wisdom and discernment and don’t be afraid. Embrace youth, use it wisely. Above all, listen to the Lord 

Happy summer! May it be filled with launder and love 

Mother’s Day

 Happy Mother’s Day! 

Wow, two blogs in one week. I’m on a roll! 

Mother’s Day… wow. My first Mother’s Day. In the last year, I have thought about being a mom, a LOT. I’m so lucky to have had such a good role model, not many have that. 

As a lot of you know, my mom and dad came down in January to help me with my new home, and eventually, my new baby. Both of my parents did a ton for me, but this post is about Mother’s Day so 🤷🏽‍♀️ 

My mom tucked me in to bed every night until I went into labor. We’d talk for hours about life, God, motherhood, labor… she made sure I was comfy, and then she would go to her own room. Every morning, she made me breakfast and coffee and helped me get ready for work… and when I finally went into labor, she stayed awake beside me for the whole 34 hours. She stayed beside me in the delivery room when I said things I’m not proud of, she encouraged me when I was feeling down about how long labor was taking, and she made sure I stuck to my guns when all I wanted to do was quit (fun fact, you can’t “quit” labor) 

Then my mom stayed up at night to help me take care of Delilah. She held her so I could take showers, eat hot meals, and sleep. Then, she thanked ME! I thank God a lot that He allowed  me to be at peace with who I am before I got pregnant, but now I thank Him for the example of motherhood I have, and pray that He gives me what I need to be at least half of what my mom has been for me. 

If you’ve read my blog for a while, you know that my mom has not had an easy job, raising me. Countless hours in principals offices, thousands of tears wiped from my eyes, a fighter in my corner when I’d given up, a confidante when I trusted no one, and a best friend when everyone else had walked away. To me, my mom was always just my mom, but now that I have Delilah, the thought of watching her go through what I went through, rips me apart. Yet, my mom was strong enough to stand next to me. To stand in front of me and catch bullets. 

How did she not just fold? Give up? Cry on the floor in defeat, with me? She taught me what it means to be a woman. She showed me how to make meatballs, fight for myself, be a wife, and love the Lord. My mom showed me the greatest music ever created, taught me to laugh over bad situations, and truly, she showed me the joy of life. 

Not everybody gets to have a mom like mine. The Lord smiled on my face the day He wrote that my mom would be MY mom. The Lord knew I needed more than what most kids got. I pray my daughter doesn’t experience the same hardships that I did, but I pray that no matter what she goes through, I can be for her what my mom has been for me. 

Now, I’m going to go enjoy the breakfast my hubby made for me, give my daughter extra snuggles, and call my mom to thank her. 

Butterfly

 The world around me is shifting and growing so magically, I can’t even imagine how it looks for Delilah. 

I’m sitting in my Florida room, light streaming in through the windows, Delilah enchanted by the shadows. I’m supposed to be working on my CDA but I’m caught up in emotion, watching my life change and grow. Besides, how can anybody focus with a two and a half month old grinning next to you? 

I love hearing her little coos, watching the wonder and amazement in her eyes as she realizes that she has feet, that her fingers taste good (I assume?) that light is pretty, and figuring out how to move her little body the way she wants. I know she won’t remember these moments, but maybe someday her life will shimmer with magic and it will be the residue of days like this. 

Sometimes I look around and I think I kinda know how she feels, watching the world unfold in front of my eyes. How is it real that I’m a mom? I have a whole family. Daddy, baby and me. We have a home that we are working on. It’s been HARD. I knew it would be, and I was so afraid of that hard. Now I’m in it though and I realize that it only has to be hard, one thing at a time. That’s another blog though. 

This blog is about how worth it that hard is, even if I can only see it for small moments at a time right now. How magical it is that is butterfly season and that seems to represent so much of my life right now. Each stage is different, and beautiful and bazaar. How is it real that a caterpillar can become a beautiful little chrysalis, which eventually dissolves and out emerges a huge butterfly. How do butterfly’s even fit in there? 

How is it real that this is where I am? Who else remembers that just a few years ago, I had braces and I wore my class ring everywhere and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go to Portland or Spokane for college?? Now I live in Florida with my husband and our daughter. My daughter who is trying so hard to laugh, that she snorts. Who’s got little abs from trying to sit up so much. Who’s got this tiny perfect little nose, and cheeks that are addicting to kiss and chunky little legs I love to squeeze. 

Everybody told me “don't blink” because I’ll miss it, and I can’t believe how true that is. It all changes so fast, two months ago Delilah couldn’t hold her head up and slept all the time. On the other hand, how could anybody blink? There are too many incredible, beautiful things to see, I don’t want to waste a second with my eyes shut. I used to have a hard time taking naps because I was so excited to be awake, I remember playing around in my room when I was supposed to be napping, but how could I sleep with the whole world out there? I feel very similar now. Who knew that everything in life could change, and yet things would still be the same. 

Exodus

 This deployment, I feel like the theme has been “Exodus”. The book from the Bible? It’s about the great exit from Egypt, Moses took Gods people to freedom but first there were all the plagues and hardening of hearts. 

Well the theme of this deployment has also been change. So much change. Never ending change, and that’s okay! I’m good with change. That’s what makes me a fitting military wife. Change is where I thrive! One of the biggest changes we’ve made (one of two pretty major changes) was buying a house. Oddly enough, this is where I felt Exodus the most. 

10 times, God told Moses to talk to Pharaoh. 9 times, God hardened pharaohs heart. Imagine how frustrating that would be. God told Moses each time, it seemed like everything was lining up, things were going to work, and then God said no. 

I looked at pretty much every available house in my price range, in Jacksonville, Fl. I went to some pretty bad areas of town (not realizing it) hunting for this home. So many times, things lined up. I mean they lined up perfectly. Billy was able to talk, it was a good house in a great neighborhood, the right distance from both our jobs… it felt like God gave us the green light  I’d get so excited, and then God would tell me no. It was frustrating and discouraging. I cried a lot, I felt really hopeless and confused. I wonder how Moses felt. 

My side of things is clearly a lot easier to swallow than what Moses went through. I wasn’t abandoned by my birth mom, sent down a river, raised by the enemy, only to be rejected by my true family. I did raise sheep, but I also felt insanely inadequate to be the one to find us a house, and since Billy was gone, I didn’t even have an Aaron to help me out. 

I wonder if Moses felt confused and angry that God had asked him to do this thing he didn’t even want to do, only for God to shut the door in his face over and over. Of course, we all know how the story ends. The waters part and Moses leads the people to the promise land. I guess I’m just amazed at the faith Moses had. He didn’t even have the Holy Spirit living IN him at that time. I think I might get in my own way, wondering if I really had heard the voice of God. Yet, Moses persisted. He left for a few days to go up the mount and the people he freed from slavery and false gods, went back to their old ways and built a gold shrine. 

I’d be so frustrated I’d turn blue in the face. The Bible never tells us how Moses felt about this stuff, other than some mentions of anger and inadequacy (he had a speech impediment). I just wonder. It’s easy for me to forget how human the people from the Bible are. 

Just something I’m thinking about. 

Home

Finally, my family is all together. Just the three of us, in our wonderful little home. The American dream. 

For me, it truly is a dream. It’s the fulfillment of all my heart has desired for as long as I can remember. I used to pray to God and ask why I never got to be the girl in high school with friends, why it was never me grabbing gas station snacks with my girls after school. Why I never had dates on a Friday night. This morning, driving to work in my cute little truck with my cute little daughter, listening to all my favs from the 80’s. I understand that God had something so much better in store for me. 

It wasn’t easy to get here, though. That’s what I’m here to write about. My blog started as a place to be honest and talk about my hurt, an outlet that I hoped could encourage somebody else. Well y’all know me, lately I feel like all my blogs have been answerless, sad reports. My problem is pride, I think. 

I am a military wife. I married my husband when I was 20, knowing fully dang well what I was signing up for. In my heart, I felt like I was perfect for the job. I knew how to work hard, to get things done that needed done, I am a very capable young woman. I just assumed that was a huge part of the reason William married me. He knew I could handle being alone. So it feels like a failure if I ask for help, if I admit I’m not perfect and happy and great at getting everything done on my own. I think that’s pride. 

Anyways, I really had a difficult time this deployment, but I didn’t even realize how hard it was until Billy got home. At first, I think I was in shock, like it couldn’t be real. It wasn’t until we were holding hands, and I was driving us to our house (that Billy would be seeing for the first time) that I just broke. I cried for two days after he got home. I was so relieved, it felt like I could breathe. Suddenly, I wasn’t carrying everything on my own. 

My pregnancy was full of joy, don’t get me wrong, but it was also full of a quiet struggle. Just before my husband left, we found out we could buy a house here in Jax. The first half of deployment was full of looking at houses, feeling discouraged, sooooo many ups and downs. Yet, I put on my big girl boots, and trudged through it.

 Then I moved into my house, and decided I hated it. It was so awful to come home from work every night and have to sleep in this house I hated. It was cold, and empty. I missed my small apartment. I miss the familiarity. I found mold in my hallway closet, and I really think that just did me in. After that, I just crumbled. I even had my parents worried about me, I was so miserable. The mold was surface level, my dad took care of it easily, but the paranoia, the fear, the restlessness. I was haunted by stress dreams… so worried about the health of my unborn baby, her future, what my husband would think. 

I guess at the time I was drowning, and it just kinda felt normal, which makes it seem like I maybe wasn’t drowning. I heard a parable (is that the right term?) once that was like “if you throw a frog into boiling water, it will instantly hop out and save itself, but, if you put it in cool water and slowly bring it to a boil, the frog will cook itself to death and never even know” 

In this scenario I think I was the frog slowly boiling myself to death. I didn’t even know what a hard time I was having until Billy got home. I took my first breath in nine months and the world didn’t collapse around me. 

I did ask for, and accept help. I did not move to my new house on my own, and my parents came down to help me with getting my house turned into a home, as well as with the baby. I’m talking about a mental burden, though. Sometimes it feels like I’m spinning so fast, the only thing holding my life together is the centrical force. While William was gone, I kept telling myself (and others) that I had the easy job. I wasn’t missing out on buying our first house, on the magic of pregnancy, on the miracle of birth. My husband was, and honestly, he did have the harder job. I also realized though, that I don’t have to shoulder everything by myself. 

I’ve had people tell me how good I am at being alone. Others have poked me with knives, telling me how easy it’s been for me. That’s on me though, because I’ve made it look that way. Part of me wants to maintain that, but I know that even if there is a mess in my life, that doesn’t diminish from the value that I bring to my marriage, to motherhood, to my career. My mom used to tell me that it was okay to cry, to let the mean kids know they were hurting me. In this case, there are no mean kids, but I’m allowed to, and I probably should, show that I’m hurting. 

Alas, my family is whole. My husband is home, and this deployment has shaped me into a person I didn’t know was even a possibility. HUGE thank you to everybody who helped me, whether I asked for it or not. A special thanks to those who saw my need, and insisted on helping even when I resisted. 

24

 It’s midnight, March 13, 2024. I’m officially 24. 

I’m laying in my bed, in my new bedroom in my new home, gazing at my new baby (who JUST fell asleep) and the only thing that’s missing, is my husband. Let’s just pause for a second though because holy cow. I promised my mom, I swore up and down I wouldn’t get married until I was 23. I thought that Billy and I were too young to get married (I was 19) and yet here we are. God had other plans and when I listened, I wound up in a better plan than I ever could have planned. 

So here are a few things I’ve learned in the last 24 years: 

Jesus loves me, just because He does. 

Marry your best friend

Babies truly are the joy of life 

Buy the good paint, even though it costs more. What it will save you in time, is worth it. 

If you’re not sure about something, do your own research 

Nothing is really that hard. Somebody had to figure out how to do it, so why not me? 

The only person who notices your overgrown eyebrows, is you  

Never underestimate the power of a good lipstick and a little perfume 

Sometimes, less really IS more 

Organic blueberries actually do cost an arm and a leg 

My mom was right (about most things) 

A perfectly curated playlist is medicine to the soul 

Take care of your things, and someday they’ll take care of you 

Worrying about tomorrow will only make you cry today

Know how to change the oil in your car.

Let go of your pride and rely on a friend, it blesses you both 

Wearing pearls and an apron makes you a better cook  

Being the reason your baby smiles is worth all the exhaustion

Distance doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder, sometimes it shows you the cracks in your relationship 

It’s okay to be picky about the friends you allow into your life. 

If someone isn’t willing to find out if the rumors are true, they aren’t worth being friends with anyways 

Marriage has the potential to be the roots of a beautiful life, so choose wisely 

Not every house project can, or should, be a cheap DIY 

Beauty isn’t pain, it’s joy in your heart that your face can’t hide (and why would you want it to?) 

Music was better before 2005. 

Vanilla Ice is a one hit wonder but his one hit is worthy of being on my Spotify wrapped, yearly 

Laughing at yourself is a lot more fun than letting pride ruin everything 

Don’t trust people that say that not every day can be the best day ever. 

Laundry can be folded later. Snuggle your baby now 

Pride and dignity are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. Do not get them confused, pride will rob you of joy, dignity will save your face 

Maturity isn’t about age. Just because they are older doesn’t mean they are wiser 

 Kindness is like vanilla extract. Use it liberally and never measure, it will add great flavor to your life 

Working hard is much more fulfilling than being lazy 

Sometimes, you just have to laugh about it 

You can’t control what others think, no matter how hard you try 

Wisdom and discernment are two tools you NEED in your tool belt. 

Getting stung by a jellyfish is not that bad (but it’s still okay to cry a little) 

I do not become a comedian when I’m in intense pain (contrary to what I insisted was true) 

Eat cheesecake now, go for a walk later 

Most importantly I’ve learned that life is full of choices and we get to make our own. I’ve been abundantly blessed but it hasn’t been without its nearly crippling struggle, I’m just so thankful the Lord has surrounded me with the people He has. Jesus has been my most favorite choice, my marriage being my second. 

Happy birthday to me! 24 is going to be an incredible year. 24 karat magic is in the air!