No more wide-open pastures. No more miles of empty roads. No more driving past cattle trucks that smell like fresh cow poop. No more chickens in my yard (after their crafty escape), no more frolicking calves. No more tractors...
I might drive past it, I might catch a whiff of pigs or cows or hear sheep as we drive past. I might get to see someone else driving a tractor, but I will really miss it being ME.
I love feeling capable. I love feeling like I am able to do something, or figure it out. I love learning new things, so I can do it on my own, later. I don't know why. I just feel so strong and amazing when I feel like I can do something on my own. Farming has done that for me.
Now, no. I do not live on a ranch with 600 cows, I couldn't run this place on my own, and I might even get laughed at for saying that I love farming, because our farm is pretty small.
I like having my own projects to be proud of, like irrigating. I love knowing that I can pick up a 25 foot, aluminium pipe, carry it down a field, and connect it. Maybe that doesn't sound like a big deal to you, but to me, it is. Plus, I think you would be surprised that its not actually that easy.
I will miss driving a tractor. I love feeding cows, shoving the hay off the back of the trailer. I will miss harrowing, and haying season...
I will miss the independence. I will miss feeling like I am accomplishing things that maybe other kids aren't quite strong enough to accomplish. I am in love with feeling independent and capable.
I want to know how to fix my car, so I don't need help. I love that I can change my tires, and I want to do it every season, because I love being able to do it myself.
I just realized that I think one of the hardest lessons I have had to learn is being a team player. I don't mean, me having to play for someone else, but letting anyone else play for me. I don't know why its so hard for me. I want to be able to do everything on my own. I feel like I am being tossed into this completely unknown world of military, and I will be a "dependa" and I don't want to be. Also... I will be a mom eventually?????
I don't want to be dependent. I can do this on my own. I am strong, I am smart, I know how to figure things out. I want to do hard work, to make myself feel valuable and strong. I think that maybe I find my self worth in how hard I can work. I can't imagine a world where I don't have to do hard work. Where I don't have to drive a tractor, or move gravel, or feed chickens, or mow a lawn, or pick up rocks from a field. I don't have to change irrigation pipe, or work three jobs, or figure things out on my own, or even just be on my own.
I know how to mix formula for a baby cow, or sheep, but not a human baby. I know when you're supposed to vaccinate an animal, I know when to throw hay off the trailer, how to give a horse a bath, muck stalls, drive a stick shift, splint a broken sheep leg, talk to chickens, and get a squirrel out of a pipe for my dog, but I'm supposed to take care of another human??? Even an adult human.. that's terrifying. Half the time, I don't even eat. So for me its like, why bother making a meal. I know how to cook but like dang. I'm supposed to make three meals a day?? For the rest of my life? Are there even that many recipes on pinterest?
I will really miss being a farm girl. I'll miss being able to say I'm a farm girl. Maybe I wasn't much of a farm girl. Maybe I wasn't obsessed with horses, I didn't do rodeo circuit (but I was on a Fair court), I grumbled when my mom told me to get the eggs, I delayed going out in a blizzard to feed cows, I procrastinated on changing pipe, and I was scared of tractors, and I am still a little bit scared of cows. Vaccinations made me queasy (I hate needles)
Maybe moving cows wasnt that, movie perfect picture with everyone working together, maybe we hated having sheep at times, but the fact is, I still got in the dirt. I still did it. I did it, even when I was afraid. Even when I didn't want to. Even when I took a shower before going to feed cows, in hopes that I would not have to feed cows, and wound up feeding cows with wet hair. I STILL DID IT. Maybe my lines were not always straight, but by golly, I was thrilled that I got to do it. That I could look up at our pasture and see that I had accomplished something most kids my age, never will.
So yeah. I will miss being a farm girl. I'll miss sunburned noses, windburnt faces, flakey shoulders, freezing cold toes, bottle feeding at 10 PM, having bummer calves and sheep and pigs chilling out in my mud room, trying to survive. Its crazy, its messy, its an emotional roller coaster, but its mine.
I know how to be a farm girl. I love being a farm girl. I think it makes me special and different. I'm not sure what I will be if thats not a part of who I am in the future.
