I used to suffer from debilitating insecurity. Truly debilitating. I’d look in the mirror and just loath what I saw. Genuine, scary, hatred. I used to desperately want to be a boy. Truly. I’d spend my summers fantasizing about going back to school as a boy. The furthest thing from myself that I could possibly be. I remember days when I’d be sobbing with self hatred and my mom would help me re-do my makeup. She always made me feel better.
I’d gob on tons of makeup. Lots of foundation, contour, blush. Anything to make me not look like me. Then I’d come out of the bathroom crying, telling her I didn’t want to go, and she’d gently wash my face off, put a little concealer over my blemishes, maybe some eyeshadow. A little mascara, and I’d feel better. I never really realized it, but it’s been a pattern in my life. Make drastic changes to my outward appearance, tell myself that I was somebody new, somebody better. I never really connected the dots and figured out that I was running away from myself because I just… well I hated me. My mom was always working to uncover me, though.
Well my moms not here and I’m not one to break old habits so what do I do? Haha you guessed it. Pink hair. It never occurred to me though!!! It never occurred to my WHY I wanted to have “cool E-girl” hair. I dyed my hair just before I started my new job. Everybody loved the hair. It got lots and lots of compliments. My hair helped me fit in. Everybody gave me suggestions on what color to do next. I cycled though pink, a few shades of blue, then a few shades of purple, back to pink… it never felt RIGHT though. Just like how lots of eyeshadow never really felt right.
Just after Billy left, I stepped up for a leadership position. I didn’t really know what it would require of me, I just knew I needed something to do and this would help me connect with Billy, even while he was away. Honestly, I spent a lot of time crying and frustrated with myself for stepping up to not just volunteer, but to be the president of the volunteers. I wasn’t big enough for this task. My husband is the lowest ranking, I’m the youngest, we’ve been in the military for the fewest years… it doesn’t make sense. Why would I be the one in charge? Then this little voice inside started telling me that those things didn’t matter. I stepped up when nobody else had and now I just needed to square my shoulders and get on with it.
I literally have no idea where this voice is coming from. It’s not like me at all! But slowly, I started to see a change in myself. I looked around and noticed that I was getting $h1t DONE! I’m leading, and doing a great job. I’m killing it (in the best way) at work. I’m managing a household for two people, even though one of us is across the world. Learning to fix my car on my own, problem solving, talking myself out of anxiety attacks, insecurity, and fighting through depressive episodes. I’m used to leaning heavily on the people around me for support. Billy always makes me feel better when I’m anxious or fighting back depression and my momma builds my confidence when I feel insecure, but now I’m here, across the country and my mom can’t fix my makeup.
I am in no way rooting my own horn. I’m flabbergasted. I can’t believe that this person is a part of me. She exudes strength. There is a trend going around the internet that’s like “my 9 year old self would have a heart attack if she could see me now” but I’m dying of a heart attack right now, seeing myself in the mirror. I went back to my brown hair, and I’ve started just kinda… not wearing makeup. I mean literally I’m just walking around at work, in town, just happy with myself. Is this what normal people feel like? I’m giddy with excitement every time I get home and realize that I spent all day without makeup and felt fine. It’s blowing my mind that I’m not afraid that I’m not enough. Whispers aren’t making me think that I’m getting fired.
I’m confused, but in the best way. I know that this strength is from God I’m just wondering where it came from? What inspired this. Is this what my mom has been seeing all along? Is this what my husband sees? I want to laugh with joy. I’ve been taking care of myself. It’s been easier to. I enjoy my skincare routine, and working out. I don’t drink very much coffee, and I love a good glass of water. I’m eating mindfully and I don’t spiral into emotional eating (as easily lol. I have an empty container of ice cream in my trash currently laughing at me)
I guess I’m asking if you’ve ever felt like I did. So full of self hatred, so out of place in your own body that you wanted to be somebody else…
I still struggle with insecurity, the new me isn’t always big enough to change my negative thoughts, but it’s insanely empowering to look at myself, who I really am, and know that somewhere inside is somebody I admire. I hope someday my voice of self doubt goes away.
Until then, I guess it’s just me, myself, and her.
