Where is my heart? Furthermore, where do I belong? I often find myself feeling "too county" for Spokane, and "too city" for Wallowa county. Which is crazy. Why would I even feel like this?
What was even more confusing was that I missed Spokane while I was in Enterprise and I miss Enterprise when I'm in Spokane. All I want is my moms hug. I want to drink coffee with her and laugh at our jokes that only we think are funny. I want to play cards with my brother and giggle at our jokes and drive him and his friends around. I miss my dads hugs. I wanna talk about how nothing is wrong with my car. I want to make popcorn and sit and watch football and eat chips and some really good dip my mom makes. I want my grandpa to talk about my aunts and uncle when they were kids and I want to see my aunts and have my old teachers give me hugs and my friends to rush over to me and have conversations about the world I used to live in.
Yet somehow I still feel like I don't quite belong. Its like a part of me doesn't click with where I am, but I feel the same about Spokane. I feel like that part of me that is able to identify home, is missing, and now there is really nowhere that I do feel home. No where that I can connect to.
Its weird. I feel like I'm floating in the air. I'm suspended and even though I have a ton of support from all sides, I am unstable. I feel like I can't relax. All I want is to sit still and feel like I belong in that spot, but I don't. I am anxious and I am scared, but I don't know why. I feel like there is always something more I should be doing, but I don't know what.
In Wallowa County, I know the rural roads. I know where all the side roads go, the dirt roads. I know the best places to go for a drive if you want to clear your mind, and the best place to watch the sun set. I have seen the sun rise from the top of a mountain. I can tell you where to get coffee, the best socks, and I can walk through Safeway with my eyes closed. I know the voices of the people who surrounded me, my mom, my dad, my brother and Maria and Jenni and Michael and my classmates. My family lives there.
In Spokane, I also know the roads. Not all of them, but the ones I know, I know. I can tell you where to get coffee and what the best time of day to go to the gym is and I have a couple really good friends. I have family that I don't share blood with, brothers I never planned on having, a puppy that is so cute I could die. Spokane is full of urban adventure.
Both places used to make the sunshine in my heart, a little warmer. Both places used to set a peace in me I couldn't find other places. Now the streets of Spokane are loud. I don't know the faces. I feel too shy and too nervous to be around the people I love. Wallowa County is cold. I feel like my heart and mind should be resting, getting a break from the fast paced life of Spokane. Instead in just worried because I am worrying instead of getting rest, and even when I try to calm myself down. Even when I sit on the couch and watch football with my dad, or play cards with my brother, or help my mom do the dishes (I love doing the dishes). I am restless. Searching for a connection I seem to have lost.
I am insecure, and disappointed in myself because I know I should not feel insecure. I am a pretty girl, and more importantly, I am sweet and kind and caring and compassionate.
Has anyone else felt this? Like you can't connect anywhere? I know that I am supported in Enterprise and Spokane. I know that I am loved and that I truly belong both places, but I don't feel like it. Sorry that this blog post was more melancholy. Does anyone have any advice? Maybe some tips? I would love to hear from you guys <3
Psalm 46-10 Be Still & know...
ReplyDeletePS This too shall pass
I love you