Its Probably Gonna be a Long Journey

 This blog will probably hurt to write. 

Abandoned. 

That's how I felt, sitting alone on my bedroom floor at age 14. Abandoned by God, abandoned by the people I love, abandoned by my teachers. What did it all mean. Why did it even matter. Who cared if I took a next step. I was totally alone inside of my brain. A chronic overthinker, big emotions, and not at an age where I could rationally sort them. I told myself a lot of lies during that period in my life. 

I told myself I didn't need help. I didn't need friends. I convinced myself I didn't need anyone (even though I was heavily reliant on my parents)

Over the years, of course, the intensity of those big, crazy emotions left, and got replaced with more loving, and understanding emotions. I grew to understand situations and I got to see things from a different perspective, found friends, and companionship, asked for help. See, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew enough to psychoanalyze myself and deem that I was all better, but still growing. 

I was so wrong on so many levels 

The past 365 days have been quite the trip for me. It seems like such a short amount of time, and yet it feels like the longest year of my life. And no, i'm not just talking about the year 2020. This 365 starts in 2019.

I'd freshly lost my job at Wakeup Call in Spokane. My boyfriend was going through more training for his job in the navy, and I was struggling with the question "to move home, or not to move home" Was I admitting defeat if I moved back in with my parents?  Was I a burden if I stayed in Spokane? 

 I got a job working for BHF as a teacher in an after school program, and pcaked my car to come home. Then, Eric and Marry hired me at Hurricane Coffee. Two of the biggest blessings in my life. As I moved back, and settled back into a new rhythm, things around me started changing. Changing fast. It was like everything had carelessly been thrown in a blender and shaken around. So I detached myself as much as I could. 

How could God do this? Was He even thinking about me? What I needed? I did not think so. Then God showed me something insane. Something so insane that it took a lot of months and a bunch of hurt later, to even realize God was showing me. 

I thought I knew that I wasn't completely fabulous at being a team player, until God showed me that I was playing a team sport like I was the only one on the field. It wasn't even that I didn't know HOW to play with others, I just really did not want to. I was independent. I'd been through hard stuff and I had made it out just fine and that was proof that I had no need for others and any companionship I allowed in my life, was not going to be burdened by my needing them. 

So here we are, back at the 14 year old Georgia. I am so embarrassed to talk about this but I know that it will make me stronger, and maybe even save someone else the pain of learning this lesson by themselves. 

When you're in a relationship, you're supposed to be a team, right? Well like I just told you. I don't do team sports. I had gotten really used to living on my own, being in charge of myself, accountable for no one, not really relying on anyone, and I was allowed to feel this way. I liked feeling this independant and there was no one around to stop me, so one day, when there was, I didn't know how to process it. 

This caused issues. I totally didn't understand. Why wouldn't you be thrilled to have someone who wasn't reliant on you? At this point, I have to point out my hypocrisy. I expect everyone to rely on me. I know, double standard. Its ugly. So I guess that I didn't understand that when you join a team, you're supposed to be a team. You know, communicate, pass the ball, don't try to carry the whole game on your own back. People tried talking to me about it, but I was so sure I was actually doing well (except for the fact that I knew I wasn't) 

Then I read a story one day, I can't even remember what it was about, but I kinda felt God slap me in the face (with love, all things in love haha) I'm a horrible teammate. Not because I am not willing to play the game and participate, but because I was insanely selfish and I wasn't letting my teammates play. Communication is hard. Relying on other people is hard and its something  I really have to work at, but I realize that it makes him feel like he gets to be important. Like he is important. Because he is. In my stubborn brain, I might tell myself I am fine alone, but I rely on all my teammates, not just my Fiance. I rely on my mom, and my dad, and even my little brother. 

I need them in my life, just like they need me, and they deserve validation for it. People join a team because they want to play, not because they want to sit on the sidelines and watch you do all the work. I used to tell Billy that I was just a cheerleader, until I realized that I am actually a valuable part of our team, just like he is. 

So here is what I am saying. It is a healthy, wonderful blessing to rely on someone. It is not weak. You do not give up your ability to be independent, you just grow. I can still change a tire, change my oil, open a door, and pay for my meal, but it makes my Fiance feel validated and needed if I let him do those things. See? Its probably not healthy for me to deal with my emotions alone, or my life, or to have to internalize all that's going on in my head and the world around me, and that's what God gives you a partner for. It takes a little more trust and effort, but really, it makes your partner feel needed in your relationship. I know that I need William, and I know that I need to allow him to see it and feel it. 

If you are anything like me, you might be thinking "hey its great that it works for you but I know that I am a burden and I know I can handle everything on my own, so why inconvenience anyone else" and I am here to tell you that you are wrong. Heck, you might even be thinking that its weak to let others "carry your burden" but it actually takes a lot more strength to trust someone to help you out and allow them to love you. Its WAY harder, trust me. Hiding is so much more easy. Also, you are not a burden. Say 10 nice things about yourself to take that back -_- 

But, imagine living in a world where the people you loved and needed and relied on most, didn't need you. I don't know about you, but for me, that is the scariest and loneliest nightmare ever.  Having no value or purpose in my relationship. What would be the point of me being there? Think about that. The person you love most, feeling like, or treating you like, you're expendable. Imagine being in a really tough place, both of you hurting, and they say to you "oh no, I'm fine. I don't need help" Like. If you can't help them, you can't make them feel good... you start to feel like you're not good enough... or maybe they don't want you..

So for me, this is a daily struggle. Its a workout, my trusting muscles are not as strong as others, and it will be a LONG journey for me to really learn to be okay with relying on someone without feeling guilty, but I know its what's healthiest. Blessings, lessons, healing. You might not see it if you're too wrapped up in yourself to be looking around. I can't believe I am saying this, but maybe hitting rock bottom isn't the worst thing that can happen. Maybe its being allowed to live, believing the lies you tell yourself. 

Like I said. Its a long journey. Make sure to hydrate and drink coffee. #hurricaneforever