Fear

 I miss opportunities because I get scared. I see things that I don’t know how to do, and I allow that fear to hold me back. I miss out on jobs, activities, and probably even friendships. The thought of being faced with something that I might not already know how to do, scares me. I didn’t even know that about myself until just now, it’s 11:30 at night. Three hours past my bed time. I’m thinking about this job at a coffee shop that I am going for, waiting on their call, scared that I won’t look appealing enough on my resume. I know my resume is weak. It doesn’t tell half of what I have done. 

It took a lot of guts for me to apply. They have a dish on their menu (it’s a bistro type coffee shop) that I don’t know if I can make. I mean, it’s simple. It’s a simple dish. They probably have it streamlined so it’s even easier to make them it looks, but it scares me. That one dish. Lots of coffee shops have that one dish. Maybe it’s not even a dish, maybe it’s a drink I’ve never made before. Regardless, every coffee shop in this town has that One Thing that I don’t know how to make, that I have never made before, and so I scare myself out of going for it. 

However, this coffee shop was different than every other coffee shop that I went to. When I walked in, I felt like I was home. I saw the espresso machine, and my heart started singing. The vibes were chill, the aesthetic was simple... I was so excited to be there. I just knew that it was the coffee shop for me (even the baristas were nice!) So I set my fear aside and I applied. That rhymes. I'm a poet. Yet, as minutes ticked by (an unreasonable amount of time for them to have reviewed my application and called me), my anxiety kicked in. Would they call me? Was I good enough? If I did get hired, could I handle how busy they get, or all the new foods I'd have to make? Suddenly I was wishing I could withdraw my application. 

But why? There are few things in life that I truly enjoy more (or as much as) pulling a perfect espresso shot. Learning the espresso machine I get to work with, the people I work for, and serving them a truly artful masterpiece that they refer to as their “regular”. One stupid oatmeal bowl is keeping me from that joy. Why. 

Why was it easy for me to learn how to make coffee, but it’s hard for me to learn to make an oatmeal bowl with pretty blueberries and strawberries decorating it. I didn’t know how to make coffee before I learned, but I wasn’t scared of learning. What changed in me, that I am now afraid of new things. 

It has been two months since my last blog post, and there are so many blogs I wanted to write, so I’m wondering why I’m awake right now, desperate to get this one down on paper (figuratively). Is it because I want this job so badly, that the thought of failing to get it, terrifies me? Is it just the feeling of failure anyways? Or am I just overthinking. 

I’ve always prided myself on being completely bold, and fearless. I was 12 when I decided I was deathly afraid of cows and I was 13 when I decided that cows were scary, but I couldn’t let it stop me from living my life (I grew up on a farm, feeding cows in the winter). 

My only option is to be fearless. Even if I don’t get a call from Sago, there are other coffee shops in the Jacksonville area. Even if they have complex looking oatmeal or fruit bowls. I learned how to make a perfect coffee (which actually involves a lot of chemistry and math), so I know I can learn to make anything. After all, I do have my mothers genetics and I have never seen her meet a task she couldn’t tackle. 

Still though, I wonder. Why am I so afraid?