Healing

Mental health has become a huge deal in todays culture. Everybody is recognizing how important it is to not only feed and exercise your body with care, but to do the same for your brain. 

I read a lot of "self-help" books, and one thing I read a lot about, is my inner child. My inner child is the kid who is inside of me. The one that holds all the memories, who carries around the insecurities she developed and acquired at a young age. The thing is, everybody has to grow up, right? Well your inner child tends to get stuck, to stop growing at a certain point when the pain becomes too much. So, as humans, we grow taller every year, we develop more skills and grow into "healthy" adults, our inner child locked deep away. 

My inner child has been stuck for a while. I did such a good job suppressing her, that I even forgot about so much of what happened, what she lived through. So now, I am trying to heal. 

I feel like I have no voice, that's part of the reason I started my blog. My blog may be public, but its letters to me. Every blog I write its so healing for me. I need to be able to read, and hear my own thoughts. I need to know they are out there, so that if someday, somebody wants to hear me, they can look back and read my blog. In a way, I guess they are letters to my daughter, too. Hopefully, encouraging letters. 

With every blog I write, I feel a little more free. I unlock memories, and feelings that have weighed so much inside of me, things I didn't even know I was carrying around. Most the time, after I write my blogs, or even during, I just cry. Big, fat tears, my body shakes, and normally I would try to pull it together, to breath in air and suck all that pain back down, but I don't really feel like doing that anymore. 

I'm growing up. I'm married, and I plan on having kids one day. I keep thinking about how, on an airplane, I have to put on my mask before I could help my baby put on theirs, and I think its the same for everything in life. I need to be in a healthy safe place in order for me to be able to assist others to their healthy, safe place. My new goal is to heal. 

Healing for me, will look like strong boundaries, saying "no" instead of making excuses, telling the truth, even if its uncomfortable, introducing myself without saying "I'm not very popular, so if you want to have friends, you probably shouldn't hang out with me". I will wear the clothes I like, and sing alone to my music because it feels good. I'll cry when it hurts, instead of pretending I'm untouchable, and  I will work through years and years of pain that I have held on to like a safety blanket. I will choose forgiveness everyday, for myself and those who hurt me. 

Most importantly, I will share my story. I know that I am not alone in my pain, or my experiences. I am blessed enough to speak, so I will. I am not here to drag anybody through the mud, I'm not seeking revenge, or justice. This is about me. This is about doing what's best for me, instead of being a welcome mat. 

I used to think of healing, as taking a long, hot bubble bath. Every time my feelings started to resurface, when I became emotionally exhausted, when my nightmares would come back, I'd do a facemask and take a bath and wonder why it just made me feel anxious instead of making me feel better. I repainted the house, trying to ignore the fact that it was falling apart. I didn't understand what healing really was.

Welcome to my journey, welcome to my story. I hope you share it, because I know I am not alone, and hurting people are typically really good at hiding it. There is hope, no matter where you are in life.