Rainy Day

 I only blog when I'm feeling good, I'm happy, and everything makes sense and I feel fulfilled. Today, I am changing that. 

Today, I am tired. My insecurity has gotten the best of me, and Billy's absence feels like an elephant on my chest. No sunshine is radiating from my eyes, and I just want to curl up and be alone. 

I never share my bad days because I feel like I have built this personality online that is so hopeful and joyous, but recently, I've been feeling like maybe a little real time vulnerability might not be the worst thing. I don't want to be misleading, and have it look like I really have life figured out, or that its easy for me to go through big things in life just because I try to meet every situation with a fresh glass of optimism. 

The truth is, I do know that the way I feel right now is temporary, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Deployments are really hard for a number of reasons. Today, I just wish my best friend was here to talk to. You'd think that after 4 years of not knowing when we would get to see each other, or if we'd get to see each other, or how long we'd even get to be together, would have made me a little stronger by now. Yet, here I am. No matter what music I listen to, what food I eat, or what other things I do to distract myself, there is still a silence that hangs in the air. 

I used to get really mad at myself for missing Billy. This was my job, this was my LIFE. I needed to get used to being alone, or my life would suck. I couldn't be a baby. Even the Facebook pages I followed told me that I needed to be strong. I couldn't be weak, my husband and my family was relying on me. He needed me to be okay, no tears, just capable of doing this all by myself. Typically, being "strong" just lead to me having a massive meltdown. I used to greet loneliness and the quiet hurt of distance, like it was a terrorist. In true Georgia fashion, I'd put on some Rock N' Roll and bulldoze that depression right under a very thin and worn carpet. 

Today, I put on my sweatpants, I listened to some quiet music, and I met that silence like an old friend that I'd been expecting. The truth is, I had been expecting it. I know that even the strongest of wives get sad when their husband leaves, even if its just for a couple of nights. I did my prep work. There is no cleaning for me today, no cooking even. Just relaxing with hot coffee, sunshine, and relaxed vibes. I'd rather allow myself to hurt and treat it as a selfcare day, than to try to blast away the pain with loud distractions, pushing the tears away to be stored up for an unpredictable moment of explosion that seemingly comes out of nowhere. I wish I was this smart, even just a year ago. 

I think strength is knowing when you need a break to just break. Its knowing when to stop scrolling on social media, when to take your makeup off, and just exist in the moment you're in. Tomorrow, I know I will be back to firing on all cylinders, but for now, I'm just curled up in this blanket, missing my other half more than anything in the world. 

I'm not always happy, or excited, or even optimistic. I forget that the way I feel is temporary. I get lost in my thoughts and my sorrow. I eat food I know I shouldn't, and sometimes, I even leave the dishes in the sink (but I never skip making my bed. Ever). I'm learning that its okay to not be okay. I'm also learning that it is okay to be okay. Sometimes, it feels like people expect me to be more upset, more of a mess than I am. They feel like if I'm not upset, then maybe I don't miss him. 

The real truth is that I always miss him. Even on the best day that I have during this deployment, I will still be missing him. He's my best friend, the one I want to share my life with. So whether I am smiling, or crying, I miss him. I preach healing, and being a little sad is a part of that healing. So if you're anything like me, stop telling yourself that you're made out of the strongest metal on earth, and allow yourself to be quiet inside, turn off your phone, turn off the TV, maybe read a book, or paint, or go for a walk and listen to the sounds of nature. Keep hope in your heart though, because no matter how bad this seems, not matter how permanent this feels, its temporary, you will get through it, and everything will be okay. 

I know there's a brighter day, but its not today, and that is alright with me.

Life Itself

 Billy is safely in Japan, and I am standing on the edge of summer. 

I was told once that I am really good at being alone, but that was back during a time when  I truly wasn't really ever alone. I always had somebody. My dad was a phone call away. Heck, anybody was a phone call away. But now, I'm standing here on the edge of summer, truly on my own for the first time in my life.

3,000 miles from everything I have ever known, my husband and I planted our roots in the ground. That was almost a full year ago. Standing here right now, I honestly can't believe that its happening. That I am here. I am a little afraid, but wildly excited to see what this summer has in store for me, to see who I become. I know this may seem silly, but I imagine myself as a fresh baby cow. I need to learn to stand for survival, but the first few steps are wobbly and scared. I feel like I am just now getting confident on my feet, and it is such a great feeling to be able to look at myself and think "holy crap I am doing it".

Its such a crazy thing to go from being a kid living in your old bedroom, to being less of a kid, living in your own home with your own husband that you cook dinner for, and shop for... Like, I'm a whole wife! I hope that my family back home is proud of me, proud of us. Marriage has been the biggest blessing to ever come into my life. I have learned more about myself, grown into a person that I am proud to be, and I've gotten to do it along side my best friend. He's my safe space, and even though I am not as strong, and my ninja skills are lacking, I think I'm his safe space too.  

In other news, Florida's three months of winter have passed, our week of spring is gone, and winter coats have been traded for tank tops and shorts (yes, it really gets cold enough here for a winter coat) Slowly, vacationers roll in like sleepy bears after a long winter. Every day, a few more come in to the coffee shop, reminding me that soon this little world I've become a part of, will turn into a wild rush of voices and colors and summer. 

In the last four months, it feels like everything has been shaken so hard that it all fell into place. I got a job at an incredible coffee shop, and it gets better every day. Billy and I planted a little garden in a planter box on our patio area, and we dove headfirst into our first deployment as a married couple living together. It was hard at first. There was a sudden burst of adventures and dinner dates and so much busy excitement and eagerness to spend time together after he got back from Iceland, and then even more so when we realized we only had a short time until he left for his real deployment, and then all of a sudden, there was silence. No hustle to make his lunch before we both had to leave for work. No chaotic house cleaning in the hour between when I got home and he got home. Just me, in my little apartment. 

HOWEVER, I am so blessed to have incredible friends I have met through work, and a spirit of excitement about this whole thing. I am standing on the edge of summer. MY summer. This last year has brought a lot of growth and a lot of healing. I realize that I haven't made an update on my "Unfiltered" series, I've just been so busy with life that I haven't really had time to think about it, or even write it down. I had a lot of goals for this year, and I can't wait to share the journey and the lessons with you. I'm back to reading books, painting, writing, all the things I love and chose not to have time for. 

I know that youth, and this feeling of freedom won't last forever. I also know that the hurt of my best friend missing some of it is temporary. I know the sun will set on my Florida summer and the bite of cold that Fall brings will also deliver my husband back into my arms, but as I have said in my past blogs, I can't just sit and wait for him to get home. 

Its seltzer season baby! That means suntans, sunshine, and sandy feet! Cowabunga, my dudes!