Jigsaw puzzle Pt. 2

I've been feeling scattered lately. Torn between two homes, confused about my job, and wondering if I even have a place in Jacksonville. Its so big, there are so many people, and even though I have been here for a year, I still cant find familiar faces. Its like the page refreshes every day and brings new people, and I can never find consistency. Its really easy to feel like you don't belong anywhere when you're busted into tiny fragments and scattered around the world. 

Then, a comment was made. Not a comment that was said to hurt me, but it hurt none the less. I realized how little the people I spend the most time with, knew me! Instantly, rage bubbled up inside of me. I have spent so much time trying to get to know the people around me and they don't know anything about me, until I realized that I wasn't allowing them to get to know me. I had given them a very small part of me that they were allowed to know, and sadly, it was my least favorite part of me. 

 I got all stuck in my head, and just started swirling around feelings of acceptance and frustration and self doubt. Why couldn't I just open up and let people get to know me, the real me, and not just the little piece of me I decided that they owned. 

That's when I came across the first blog I ever wrote. It was about how I felt like I was little pieces of everything I loved, instead of everything I loved, being little pieces of me. It is so funny to me how 16 year old Georgia wrote something, and it wound up being exactly what 22 year old Georgia needed to here. 

The truth is, if you want to know me, you’ve got to know that I feel more comfy in a field of mud than I do on paved streets, but that doesn’t mean I  don’t feel comfortable in the heart of the city. It just means that I was raised working hard, proud of the blisters on my hands, going hunting in my silver Doc martins, riding bourses bareback, getting my new boots dirty before anybody saw them, and wearing high heels on Wednesday nights. 

I shoveled poop, drove a tractor in the hottest sun, and in the snowiest winters. I was a Court Queen, but I was rarely clean and I was proud to be the hardest worker in the room. 

My dad taught me how to hunt, my mom taught me how to cook it. 

I rocked out on a drum set to warm up after a cold day of work and I learned how to drive a tractor before I learned how to drive a car. Honestly, I was scared of a lot of things like cows, and driving a tractor, but I still did it. It’s a part of who I am. I may not have had a bunch of friends to run with, but I had acres and acres of open space all to myself. My brother was my best friend 

I can’t remember the last time I was this proud to be myself. I’ve felt so torn to pieces, like little bits of me had come off with every state I traveled through to get here, but I’m finally remembering what 16 year old Georgia already knew. It’s all a part of ME. 

Yet, in order for me to feel truly at home here, I needed to understand and accept that Jacksonville was also a part of me. I need to dig in and plant my roots here and allow this soil to become a part of my growing process. Temporary or not, this is my new hometown. I love having sandy feet, salty hair, and sun-kissed skin. I am building my very own community, all on my own! My shoes are now clean (unless I'm at work) and I strive to keep them that way, and I don't think I have had a drop of mud on me in a year! I'm learning that you'll never have a better taco than the one you get during Happy Hour at Taco Lu, Mikes Lemonade will ALWAYS taste better if its at least 80 degrees outside, and you can always find cows just outside the city limits. 

I hope I can relax and be ALL that I am instead of just a tiny bit of who I am. God gave me every experience I have ever had, and trying to tare myself to pieces and file myself into categories is so silly. God made me to be a whole entire person, with flaws and random little bursts of color. This blog post was random and maybe useless, and my sole purpose for writing it was so that I could see my thoughts in front of me, and maybe finally sew myself back together bit by bit. I am proud to be me! I'm proud of my "yee-haw" up-bringing (not my word for it, but a co-workers), proud of my strength, and the silly stories I have, no matter how red neck they make me sound. 

I’m a little Wallowa County, I’m a little Duval. I love country music, and I love rock and even funky alternative that Wallowa County just isn’t ready for. And you know what? I am dang proud of that. 

Just Keep Walking

 It was June 9th, 2018.

Rain was sprinkling outside, the giant windows in Billy's living room were covered, I was snuggled up under his arm, probably watching football, but I can't remember that part.  I was in Spokane for his graduation that had happened the day before. He asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, and of course I said yes. I can remember his mom being so upset because it was raining and I didn't have a jacket. 

As we walked along this trail behind his house, arm in arm, he started to tell me all the things he loved about me, and all the reasons he was so in love with me. Eventually, we came to a little clearing that was lit up by some Christmas lights hanging on a neighboring fence. It was more romantic than anything Hallmark could depict. He explained to me that he wanted to make up for the fact that neither of us had been able to go to prom together and we danced right there, in the rain. On the last twirl, I came around to face him and he was on one knee, holding a ring he had fashioned out of a pine needle. 

That was the day Billy Wisor asked me to wear his promise ring. It was one of the best and most perfect moments of my life.

That's what I think about every time it rains. 

Its been about a month since my last blog post. My "rainy day" turned into a rainy month, and I just couldn't find the strength (or time) to write. Luckily, the storm broke and the sun peeked through the clouds of my mind, and I am feeling much better this week. I feel like I am finally getting my sea legs. I have started cooking real meals for myself, and not just making popcorn or some other random snack I found lurking in the cupboards. 

Today, its rainy. Drizzly, really. Just like it was on June 8th. My lovely husband probably doesn't even remember that day, but how could I forget? 

Its insane to me how time passes. This past month has been packed full of lessons, things I could have written blogs about, and busy work. Pretty much every day of the last month, I have been so frustrated with myself for being down. It felt like a curse to have the wisdom that I do! How could I sit here and feel sorry for myself when I knew that this was temporary. How could I be stuck in my rut when I knew all the things to do to get myself out. How could I waist time, worry my family, and make my job harder on myself when I knew that it was all a part of God's plan and he was going to use it for good! How dare I! 

How on earth could I possibly write a blog about healing and being optimistic and seeing the sunshine in life's storm clouds, when I, myself, was currently a storm cloud!?  It just became this awful swirling tornado of pessimism and self doubt and I definitely went to some pretty dark places that I was not expecting to get dragged into. I mean REALLY ugly places (mentally). 

Yet here I sit today, a dopey grin in my face, twirling the little bronze ring Billy and I picked out together at Earth Bound in the Spokane mall shortly after he got down on one knee with that pine needle. I don't know about you guys, but for me, that puts a lot into perspective. 

Psalm 23:4 (NIV)" Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me..."

What stands out to me most there is the "walk" part. So often, I find myself huddled up, holding myself tightly with my eyes closed and my head down, sitting still when it comes to scary changes. Doubt enters my mind and I stop walking. I am not as much of a "flight" or "fight" person as I am a "freeze in your tracks" person. I like to shut down when things get rough. I'm pretty sure I shut down last month. I don't really remember much of it, just the pain and self doubt I was going through. 

Then, maybe a week ago, I got tired of feeling dirty, of sitting in my feelings and not making any progress. Usually when I feel that way, I just stand up and completely change directions. Maybe I dye my hair. Maybe I do a facemask, maybe I slap a Band-Aid on that pain and walk away like its not real, but this time, I looked up and I just kept moving. 

I cleaned my house, I cooked myself a meal, I prayed with my heart more than just my mouth, and just kept moving. I walked through that valley, I looked at the walls, dripping with self-doubt and insecurity, and I just kept walking. I'm still walking, but I'm feeling way better than I ever do when I just get tired of being frozen and start running away. I know this walk is far from over, but today I have the rain, the reminder that beautiful moments come when we least expect it. 

I know I do not have all the answers. In fact, I feel like I have the least answers. I'm hardly 22, what could I possibly have to offer that someone else hasn't already? I don't want anyone to read my blog and say "well she just thinks she's so great" because I really don't, I'm just sharing what I have learned, and what I have experienced. At the end of the day, what else would any of us have to offer? 

So in my humble experience, just keep walking. God has already been here, He already knows. He knew you were going to be here before you were even a twinkle in your mothers eye and He has used this for good! There is nothing you can do to mess up what He has already planned, because He knows every step you take, before you take it! 

There is nothing in this world that is permanent. Not one single thing. Rest assured that this too, shall pass. Every day is new, and beauty is always there if we are looking! <3