Just Keep Walking

 It was June 9th, 2018.

Rain was sprinkling outside, the giant windows in Billy's living room were covered, I was snuggled up under his arm, probably watching football, but I can't remember that part.  I was in Spokane for his graduation that had happened the day before. He asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, and of course I said yes. I can remember his mom being so upset because it was raining and I didn't have a jacket. 

As we walked along this trail behind his house, arm in arm, he started to tell me all the things he loved about me, and all the reasons he was so in love with me. Eventually, we came to a little clearing that was lit up by some Christmas lights hanging on a neighboring fence. It was more romantic than anything Hallmark could depict. He explained to me that he wanted to make up for the fact that neither of us had been able to go to prom together and we danced right there, in the rain. On the last twirl, I came around to face him and he was on one knee, holding a ring he had fashioned out of a pine needle. 

That was the day Billy Wisor asked me to wear his promise ring. It was one of the best and most perfect moments of my life.

That's what I think about every time it rains. 

Its been about a month since my last blog post. My "rainy day" turned into a rainy month, and I just couldn't find the strength (or time) to write. Luckily, the storm broke and the sun peeked through the clouds of my mind, and I am feeling much better this week. I feel like I am finally getting my sea legs. I have started cooking real meals for myself, and not just making popcorn or some other random snack I found lurking in the cupboards. 

Today, its rainy. Drizzly, really. Just like it was on June 8th. My lovely husband probably doesn't even remember that day, but how could I forget? 

Its insane to me how time passes. This past month has been packed full of lessons, things I could have written blogs about, and busy work. Pretty much every day of the last month, I have been so frustrated with myself for being down. It felt like a curse to have the wisdom that I do! How could I sit here and feel sorry for myself when I knew that this was temporary. How could I be stuck in my rut when I knew all the things to do to get myself out. How could I waist time, worry my family, and make my job harder on myself when I knew that it was all a part of God's plan and he was going to use it for good! How dare I! 

How on earth could I possibly write a blog about healing and being optimistic and seeing the sunshine in life's storm clouds, when I, myself, was currently a storm cloud!?  It just became this awful swirling tornado of pessimism and self doubt and I definitely went to some pretty dark places that I was not expecting to get dragged into. I mean REALLY ugly places (mentally). 

Yet here I sit today, a dopey grin in my face, twirling the little bronze ring Billy and I picked out together at Earth Bound in the Spokane mall shortly after he got down on one knee with that pine needle. I don't know about you guys, but for me, that puts a lot into perspective. 

Psalm 23:4 (NIV)" Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me..."

What stands out to me most there is the "walk" part. So often, I find myself huddled up, holding myself tightly with my eyes closed and my head down, sitting still when it comes to scary changes. Doubt enters my mind and I stop walking. I am not as much of a "flight" or "fight" person as I am a "freeze in your tracks" person. I like to shut down when things get rough. I'm pretty sure I shut down last month. I don't really remember much of it, just the pain and self doubt I was going through. 

Then, maybe a week ago, I got tired of feeling dirty, of sitting in my feelings and not making any progress. Usually when I feel that way, I just stand up and completely change directions. Maybe I dye my hair. Maybe I do a facemask, maybe I slap a Band-Aid on that pain and walk away like its not real, but this time, I looked up and I just kept moving. 

I cleaned my house, I cooked myself a meal, I prayed with my heart more than just my mouth, and just kept moving. I walked through that valley, I looked at the walls, dripping with self-doubt and insecurity, and I just kept walking. I'm still walking, but I'm feeling way better than I ever do when I just get tired of being frozen and start running away. I know this walk is far from over, but today I have the rain, the reminder that beautiful moments come when we least expect it. 

I know I do not have all the answers. In fact, I feel like I have the least answers. I'm hardly 22, what could I possibly have to offer that someone else hasn't already? I don't want anyone to read my blog and say "well she just thinks she's so great" because I really don't, I'm just sharing what I have learned, and what I have experienced. At the end of the day, what else would any of us have to offer? 

So in my humble experience, just keep walking. God has already been here, He already knows. He knew you were going to be here before you were even a twinkle in your mothers eye and He has used this for good! There is nothing you can do to mess up what He has already planned, because He knows every step you take, before you take it! 

There is nothing in this world that is permanent. Not one single thing. Rest assured that this too, shall pass. Every day is new, and beauty is always there if we are looking! <3