Label Me Motivated

Of course, I'm a music junkie, so leave it to me to have a music reference. 

Do you ever have that song that just ignites passion inside you? Like, you're just dancing around where ever you are, huge grin blessing your face? Because I do. I have over 20 playlists FULL of songs that do that for me. All types of music too. From country to Rap to Gospel to Pop to Heavy Metal. Rap from my moms era, Alternative Rock, Indy Rock. I'm not kidding. All types. Even classical music. They all have one thing in common- they motivate me. 

I was subject to teasing from the people in my school for must of my scholarly career. I just recently transferred to a new school and that was pretty exciting for me. At my old school,  I didn't feel worthy of any praise, I felt like it didn't matter how hard I worked, it wasn't enough. I wanted to give up more than once. I was labeled dull and slow. I condemned myself. It was really dark. You know? Like the light was sucked out of the world, and no matter how bright I was, it didn't really matter because the rest of the world was a vacuum. I felt fat and ugly and stupid. I filled myself with shame. "I'll always just be this. Whatever this mess is. My grades suck, my dreams are stupid. I'm weird and annoying and legit just in the way like, all the time" I told myself that A LOT. I used to stand in front of the mirror and pick myself apart. The digits on the scale determined my confidence. The higher the number, the less I could stand myself. I hid myself with blue hair and pounds of makeup. I lived in my headphones. My life was woven into the pages of the books I lost myself in. I read my old writing and it was all really depressing. When I was in the 5th grade, my school counselor told me that I probably had depression. Thats another label I let define me.    

I guess there came a point when I just got tired of being sorry for myself. So began my journey. A journey thats not over, and probably never will be. I decided I'd never tell myself I couldn't do something, just because some little voice inside me said so.  It started small. Wearing my hair back from my face. Not missing a single school dance, even when I had to force myself. I stopped telling people to not talk to me because nobody would want to be their friend if they were my friend. I stopped weighing myself regularly. Started eating, and I also started working out and dancing. Not so I could lose weight, but because it feels good to wake up with that burn in your abdomen and thighs and shoulders. I started running (though I'm still not an awesome runner 😂) because it feels like self improvement. Honestly, it was like all of a sudden the storm cleared. I could see! I could breathe. I didn't even realize how deprived of oxygen I was. 

I was motivated. Honestly and truly motivated. Of course, even now I have relapses. Sometimes I still have panic attacks just because, or in crowded places because of social anxiety. Sometimes I wake up and look at my stomach and feel gross, and I still think that people stare at me running on the track and tell their friends "Shes so fat. Why is she even trying? Its useless."  I go home sometimes and cry to my mom because I'm so tired. 

Point is, I'm able to bounce back. I put my headphones, not to block out the world, but to remind myself that I am strong. I have come a long way. I'm worth it. I don't need to apologize for my existence. I don't need to be depressed and sad because if I was happy, I'd be an inconvenience.  I didn't see that there was something so much more than just a label. I'm not a price tag, or a number on a scale. I'm not a mental disorder, and I do take up space. I write little things on my mirror now so when I do my makeup, or just dance in front of the mirror, or go to judge myself, a confident me lets me know that there is so much more to life than one moment. Its my motivation. A couple things I wrote are as follows: 

Fill yourself with the sun, so that even in the dead of night, you shine. 

Proverbs 31 woman? 

Label yourself nothing but Motivated

The only numbers you should keep track of are your grades

(This next one is here because I try to show compassion and love to all the people whos lives I effect. Its a reminder to also show compassion to myself.)

Love thy neighbor, as thyself. 

I know people from all sorts of places. Not just different countries, but different perspectives on life. People who have to stand up and motivate their family to push through hard times, others who motivate battalions, and others yet who motivate others without even knowing it. Motivational speakers, mothers, older siblings, doctors, team captains.. the list goes on. The roles switch, the motivators needing motivation, and the whole world twists and turns. 

So go ahead. Label yourself. Label yourself motivated, whatever you're motivated to do. You're strong, you're brave. Even if you cant see it now. What are you motivated to do? Who are you when you're done being everyone else?     

Love 🤣👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

Love love love. I love you, I love the color blue. I love life. What is love? If you look it up in the dictionary, Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection. Does intense even explain it always? sometimes, its just casual. like "omg, I love your shoes." or "OMG!!! I love that movie!!" and other times, its "I love you." or "hey little puppy, I love you too." 

 I currently love the sky. Here in Wallowa County, Its been a mix of rain and sunshine, creating amazing lighting and stunning sunrises/sunsets.

The question I intend to address today is this: what makes you feel loved?

For me, Love is in the hugs my mom gives me after a hard day at school. Its in the time we spend watching Hallmark together, or trolling Pinterest for quilt ideas. Its the times my mom does my makeup because I'm too insecure to. Its in the hours we spend talking on long drivers, or singing as loud and off-key as possible to Crowder - or any other music. Its in the snuggling on the couch every night as we watch a show. Its in her eyes when she tells me she is proud of the woman I have become. Its in the way she cooks or cleans really quietly when I'm taking a nap. Its in the way she hurries to make frosting for my birthday cake, the tenderness in her voice when she wipes the tears off my face and tells me she wishes I didn't hurt. Its in the loud laughter that explodes from our mouths at the humor only we seem to have. Its in the way she takes care of me when I'm sick, or my leg is broken, or even if I just need taken care of. Its in the way she supports me and thinks about me, and does things she knows I would appreciate.

Love is in the way my brother is fiercely protective. Its in his dumb jokes when he knows I'm about to cry, its in the time we spend sitting on the dirt road by our house in the summer, pondering life and gazing at the stars. Its in his empty insults, and the pretend fights we have. its in his smile when I make him laugh, in the way he pretends to not let me have my way. Its in the times he messes up my hair, knowing it will make me laugh. its in his stupid nicknames for me, and the hours we spend riding bikes, being dumb. its in the inside jokes and inappropriate humor he seems to think is funny. Its in the way he is my best friend, and my brother at the same time. Its the way he feels no regret in just walking in my room and laying on the floor, even if I didn't give him permission to enter my room. Honestly, its most the time I spend with Jacob, because he is the best brother a girl could ask for. Even when he insults me for running weird.

Love is in the times my dad takes me out for fries and a milkshake at R&R because he knows I've had a long week, its in the moments he brags to people about how proud he is of me. Its in the times he makes me breakfast really early, or lets me pick what show we are going to watch. Its in the times he doesn't mention the smell of my nail polish, even though it gives him headaches. Its in the times he fixes my car, or just thinks of me and the perils of being a driver. Its in the winter tires he puts on for me, or the OSU Beavers sweatshirt and chocolate bar he gets me, because he knows how I love the Oregon Beavers. Its in the way he takes a special trip to Lewistion so I can get a camo jacket.

 

I feel loved when My sister spends time with me. We used to go on photo-shoots. Above is a picture form the most recent, taken last summer. The last night we had together before she went to San Fran for collage, we went on a photo-shoot, and afterwards, sat in my car listening to music. We ate an entire box of Vegan Ice Cream Bars that night. We just talked about life, how scary it was that she was moving on with her life, and laughed about stupid memories. When we were little, we were best friends. We gave each other haircuts and Madison used to run into my room yelling "baaabeeeee!" when I was new. We had walki-talki phones going from my room to hers so we could call each other. I modeled for her when she wanted to go on photo shoots. With Madison, I felt most loved spending time with her. 

  

I have never had a romantic love in my life, but I have felt love. I am overwhelmed with love. I don't even have enough room to brush the top of all the love I feel. I still feel alone sometimes, but the point is, I know i have this love. I don't even have to be anything but Georgia for my family to love me. How do you feel loved? When do you feel loved? Its something I love thinking about. so what about you?  Who are you when you're done being everyone else? 

when Just Georgia isn't as great

As fun as being "Just Georgia" is, sometimes its really hard. Just Georgia has OCD and ADHD. She is insecure and shy, she can be too loud and too depressed. She misses people, and she can't save the world. 

Basically, she is human. 

I feel like I'm small, and not in physical mass. Its an emotional irrelevance, a state of being insignificant. There are millions of people on earth, and I am just one. People change others lives every single day, and I'm just Georgia. I'm the kind of person that wants to help people. I want to fix things, and not just the broken souls and tattered hope. I also want to fix the broken fences, the barn doors, the gates... but I'm not strong enough to do it alone. 

When I look a the world, I see  so many people making changes and improvements. I see even more people needing someone else. My actions become a drop of rain in an ocean, not even noticeable to the turbulence of waves. My words are lost and forgotten in the screams of millions of others. I'm just... me, and everyone else is EVERYONE else. Do you know what I'm saying? I feel very apart from the rest of the world. I'm a little kid among adults. People have to help me, take care of me, when I rather be able to do it all alone. 

Can you imagine? Being able to help somebody, to make a real difference? I'm just Georgia. Nobody really hears my voice. I help out in my community, but everything I do feels so small. People are out in the world, right now, motivation people. Doctors are saving lives, delivering lives, teachers are educating the future of the world. Musicians are inspiring, athletes are concurring, and I'm just a girl that sits on her computer and writes blogs sometimes. 

17 is the weirdest age ever. I thought that once I was 16, I'd be able to do something big to make the world better, yet here I am at 17, feeling like I should have my whole life under control, owning a house and a full time job, my own car... I feel like I should be doing SOMETHING. Kids my age have record labels, world records, 6 year old kids are taking champion at world competitions. 

I wish I was something MORE. I want to inspire and change lives. I want to matter in a bigger way than just the daughter of Mike and Wendy. 

I want to be a fire that starts other fires, that ignites the world with a revolution of joy and crazy passion. I want to have direction and importance. I want to look in the mirror at a girl who is someone. Not just Georgia. I feel so lost in the world, even as I find myself. Maybe I'll grow into something amazing. Maybe I'm supposed to just be little me for a while, before i take on the world. 

I'm getting restless. My excitement is overpowering. I might just be one tinny little insignificant voice, but someday I hope I'm more.