Label Me Motivated

Of course, I'm a music junkie, so leave it to me to have a music reference. 

Do you ever have that song that just ignites passion inside you? Like, you're just dancing around where ever you are, huge grin blessing your face? Because I do. I have over 20 playlists FULL of songs that do that for me. All types of music too. From country to Rap to Gospel to Pop to Heavy Metal. Rap from my moms era, Alternative Rock, Indy Rock. I'm not kidding. All types. Even classical music. They all have one thing in common- they motivate me. 

I was subject to teasing from the people in my school for must of my scholarly career. I just recently transferred to a new school and that was pretty exciting for me. At my old school,  I didn't feel worthy of any praise, I felt like it didn't matter how hard I worked, it wasn't enough. I wanted to give up more than once. I was labeled dull and slow. I condemned myself. It was really dark. You know? Like the light was sucked out of the world, and no matter how bright I was, it didn't really matter because the rest of the world was a vacuum. I felt fat and ugly and stupid. I filled myself with shame. "I'll always just be this. Whatever this mess is. My grades suck, my dreams are stupid. I'm weird and annoying and legit just in the way like, all the time" I told myself that A LOT. I used to stand in front of the mirror and pick myself apart. The digits on the scale determined my confidence. The higher the number, the less I could stand myself. I hid myself with blue hair and pounds of makeup. I lived in my headphones. My life was woven into the pages of the books I lost myself in. I read my old writing and it was all really depressing. When I was in the 5th grade, my school counselor told me that I probably had depression. Thats another label I let define me.    

I guess there came a point when I just got tired of being sorry for myself. So began my journey. A journey thats not over, and probably never will be. I decided I'd never tell myself I couldn't do something, just because some little voice inside me said so.  It started small. Wearing my hair back from my face. Not missing a single school dance, even when I had to force myself. I stopped telling people to not talk to me because nobody would want to be their friend if they were my friend. I stopped weighing myself regularly. Started eating, and I also started working out and dancing. Not so I could lose weight, but because it feels good to wake up with that burn in your abdomen and thighs and shoulders. I started running (though I'm still not an awesome runner 😂) because it feels like self improvement. Honestly, it was like all of a sudden the storm cleared. I could see! I could breathe. I didn't even realize how deprived of oxygen I was. 

I was motivated. Honestly and truly motivated. Of course, even now I have relapses. Sometimes I still have panic attacks just because, or in crowded places because of social anxiety. Sometimes I wake up and look at my stomach and feel gross, and I still think that people stare at me running on the track and tell their friends "Shes so fat. Why is she even trying? Its useless."  I go home sometimes and cry to my mom because I'm so tired. 

Point is, I'm able to bounce back. I put my headphones, not to block out the world, but to remind myself that I am strong. I have come a long way. I'm worth it. I don't need to apologize for my existence. I don't need to be depressed and sad because if I was happy, I'd be an inconvenience.  I didn't see that there was something so much more than just a label. I'm not a price tag, or a number on a scale. I'm not a mental disorder, and I do take up space. I write little things on my mirror now so when I do my makeup, or just dance in front of the mirror, or go to judge myself, a confident me lets me know that there is so much more to life than one moment. Its my motivation. A couple things I wrote are as follows: 

Fill yourself with the sun, so that even in the dead of night, you shine. 

Proverbs 31 woman? 

Label yourself nothing but Motivated

The only numbers you should keep track of are your grades

(This next one is here because I try to show compassion and love to all the people whos lives I effect. Its a reminder to also show compassion to myself.)

Love thy neighbor, as thyself. 

I know people from all sorts of places. Not just different countries, but different perspectives on life. People who have to stand up and motivate their family to push through hard times, others who motivate battalions, and others yet who motivate others without even knowing it. Motivational speakers, mothers, older siblings, doctors, team captains.. the list goes on. The roles switch, the motivators needing motivation, and the whole world twists and turns. 

So go ahead. Label yourself. Label yourself motivated, whatever you're motivated to do. You're strong, you're brave. Even if you cant see it now. What are you motivated to do? Who are you when you're done being everyone else?