No More Bows, I Suppose

Cheer is a passion of mine. 

Its not a hobby 

Its not a pass time

Its not a sport I do to stay in shape. 

Cheer is Life. 

I've been on the cheer squad since I was a freshman, making Varsity in my first year.  I've known I wanted to be a cheerleader for YEARS. I did all I could. I wasn't head cheerleader, I never have been. My coaches, however, let me take a certain amount of leadership, and I took full advantage. 

I did extra workouts, determined to be the best I could, whether I was flying or a base, just cheering, or rallying our school. I wanted to be strong and sleak. I raised money like crazy. I wanted to go to a cheer camp, I wanted to have nicer uniforms. I wanted matching shoes. Hair bows. It took money and effort. I gave it my all. I had our team in shape. We did workouts as a team, we did fundraisers. I was so excited about cheer, I even infected my best friend with a little bit of a love for being a cheerleader. She joined the squad last year. 

I loved the Saturday games under the lights, I loved the sparkles, I loved the bows and the pony tails. I loved the skirts, the goose bumps on my legs, the breathlessness from a vigorous cheer. I loved the burn of my throat from screaming. I loved the anticipation, the desire, the excitement and electricity. That moment, 30 seconds before a game and we are one touchdown from winning. its like the world is holding its breath and screaming as loud as it can, all at the same time. 

I loved the high kicks. I love stretching, I love the burn of a good stretch. I loved the girls on my squad too. They were all older than me, but they felt like big sisters. We would have Outlaw nights and eat a ton of pizza and do our hair for the game and just talk about girl stuff. I loved the smell of hot curling irons and hair spray.  I loved helping girls braid their hair back, situating bows, fixing uniform hems, and complaining about how tight the underarmor was.  I loved it.

Cheer practice was always a blast. We put on our shorts and tee shirts and the first thing we did was run, then we stretched, then we did a workout. After that, we started working on cheers, and my favorite, cheer dances. Music is my one true passion, so combining them was heavenly. I loved the sharp movements, the sweat, the grueling hours of doing the same motion over and over till it was crisp and perfect. I loved it.  Glitter filled my veins. I was a cheerleader at heart. 

So you can imagine the way I felt the day I found out I would never wear the uniform again. Its really hard and embarrassing for me to admit, but my grades sucked. I made a bad choice, and it was taken from me. 

Holy cow. Talk about feeling empty. One minute, I was a blazing fire, and the next, I was just out. 

As you know, I have never been a popular kid. Cheer gave me an outlet though. I got to use my spunk and excitement, my loud boystrous joy, for something that would benefit others. Not just myself. I remember the first game I ever went to as a not cheerleader. I was really scared. I didn't have anybody to stand with, I was scared they wouldn't let me in, I felt like I was occupying space I shouldn't be in. I was ashamed. I'd let my team down, let my school down, my family, and myself. I no longer had that anchor of "Cheerleader" to hold me down. 

Soon after I left, everything changed. The cheers changed, the whole feeling of the squad changed. They have since, recruited a lot more girls. I left a squad of three or four, they now have almost 12. Its weird for me to look at my summer and think about scheduling practices and car washes and contacting the girls, and then realizing that I wont be doing any of that. I still get really excited sometimes when I hear a song. within two times of listening to it, I can have a whole dance, broken down into 8 counts prepared, only to remember that I wont be sharing it. 

Even now, in my new school, I wont be a cheerleader. I denied it for a really long time. I got excited, started working things out in my head. I have amazing grades now. I have all A's. Its really weird to look up and realize that its just over. I hung up my uniform. My bow is perched on my yearbooks. My jacket is dangling in my closet, unworn. My cheer tee shirts haven't seen the light of day in months. My cheer photos and trophies are the only things left on my cheer shelf. I haven't done black and red eyeliner or face paint in over a year. 

 I miss cheer. 

I think cheer was honestly my first breakup. I fell completely and totally in love with it. I learned it, lived it. Let it become a part of me, and one day it left me. Its really weird. I just take everything one step at a time. Every day is another day, new opportunities. Who knows? Something might change. I might be able to be on the squad again. For now though, I'm going to stay on my grind. Work my hardest, and every time I look into the mirror, I wont forget about where I started. 

Who are you when you're done being everyone else?