Wait, What?

"I'm so jealous of how you've always been so brave and not afraid to be yourself." 

Wait, what? 

Yes. I've been told this. Like, recently.

My initial reaction was like "Dude I've pretty much spent 9 or 10 years of my life trying to be a part of the 'group'!" and I was sorta ashamed to say that. So of course I did some self reflecting. 
Bullying is a really big part of my youth. I grew up being bullied. Pretty much from the first day of first grade till now, I've been bullied. I was not strong in myself. I was not the one little kid that was being bullied and completely oblivious, dancing around on the playground like a little butterfly. NOPE. NOT ME. 

No. I was hecka worried about being a part of the 'group' (BY THE WAY KIDS. I NEVER WAS. PLEASE. LISTEN, ABSORB, AND DON'T LOSE YOURSELF) My mom and I were talking the other day and she was like "The Group. Man, I hated that word. Every day after school you'd come home and tell me what the group said you had to do to be accepted!" 

I don't remember much. I remember coming home crying pretty much every day after school (yes, for like 8 years. Not even kidding). I remember my little kid pep talks to myself:
"Okay Georgia. Its time to do it. You always say you want change, so LETS DO IT. You're done being Georgia. Lets be Nichole. Lets get fit and go back to school with everyone wanting to be our friend" as I rode my bike up and down my driveway, determined to be liked. 

I remember thinking about how cool it would be if I could change my name and shave my head and come back to school a 'boy'. Maybe people would forget about Georgia and like ME instead! I remember buying things I thought the kids would like. I got matching glasses with a girl in my class, thinking it would help me be included in the group (I actually needed the glasses. It was just convenient to get the same ones as this other girl). 

I remember the weight loss plans, the first time I wore eyeliner,  because the other girls in my grade were. I got laughed at because my line was wobbly. In the 4th grade, I created an imaginary friend (Harry Potter) because I didn't have any one else and I got tired of sitting alone on the school bus. I felt disliked by my teachers. I knew my peers didn't like me. They reminded me every day. 
I was not strong in myself. I dressed how I thought they wanted. I tried to stay out of their ways. I did everything I possibly could to be less hated. Everything. 

Now I realize how wrong that was. We were FIRST GRADERS. I shouldn't have been asking my mom what was wrong with me. I shouldn't have been letting some 6 year old cut me in line so she could be closer to her friend, maybe giving me some brownie points. All I was, was a stupid doormat for everyone to walk on, and boy did I let them walk on me. 

"I'll be better. I can be better. I just need to change this" 

They didn't like me because they didn't want to.

I used to tell the new kids that they wouldn't stand a chance with the crowd if they hung out with me. I remember being told in the third grade that some girls had to hang out with me because their mothers had told them to. I was so excited that someone was hanging out with me. I remember thinking "Their mom knows what my mom has been telling me!" and I got to spend three days, here or there, hanging with the group. 

Every kid goes through those days in junior high with the acne problems and bad hair and makeup. I remember my mom telling me almost every day "they are just as insecure as you are." "you are beautiful." "your good at writing." "you are an amazing drummer. Don't let those boys take your time away. You've earned it" I remember looking in the mirror and thinking "whats wrong with my skin?" I remember sitting at the drum kit, trying to stay true to what my mom said, and giving up as soon as their drum sticks left welts on my skin. 

"Oh my gosh! You should have told someone!" Yeah, I know. I was scared. I didn't want to get the group in trouble. Plus, the times I did tell, nothing happened and I felt like a tatle-tale and that was no fun. I used to stand on top of the blacktop/ball wall platform at my school and write/sing songs all lunch recess. Or i glued myself to a pole that no one ever went to or played around. I'd just shy away. I mean, I don't think I was shy. I felt awkward giving presentations, standing in front of people who hated me. Performing in talent shows, knowing if I made one mistake, I'd be the talk of the town for WEEKS. Yes. 

I was scared. Terrified. Yet, somehow, I did it anyways. 

That is how I know I was not shy. 

Hi. I'm Georgetta Nichole Falk. I'm 17 years old and I have slight social anxiety. Being in a large crowd scares me. I have a rough time letting people get close to me. I've had the worlds most amazing best friend since I was in the 4th grade (yes, shes a real human), and she has been there for me through more than you could imagine. My mom has been my ride or die since day one, and sometimes we fight and it kills me. I love to sing and dance, I'm a little crazy when it comes to dancing. I can play the drums like a boss, but I know I always have room to improve. I love running, and not because its gonna help me lose weight. I am a very passionate person, and I understand that sometimes its a little much. 

BUT. It is no reason for me to hide. 

I am bright 

I am funny

I make people smile and honestly, that makes me smile 

I am BEAUTIFUL. Not just because my genetics turned out good, but because I have an amazing soul.

Hey! You! Your not alone out there! We've been through a lot, you and I. But I see you. I see your potential. I see your BEAUTY for what it is, not just the surface value. I see your ambition and your thoughts. I see that little sparkle in your eye that your trying to hide because it makes you different. I see you.  Don't cut your hair, don't stop laughing at the sun, don't stop drawing, writing, composing, creating. Don't stop just because THEY tell you to. Just because the people around you that you are striving to impress say so. You are not them, and that's what makes you so individually beautiful. Don't go home and change your pants just because someone doesn't like them. You look amazing in those pants. Nothing is gonna change my mind. 

Even you, you beautiful flower. You might think your just another daisy standing in a huge filed of daisy, but your not. You are one flower. Your not going to the same place as the daisies around you. your not gonna be in a bouquet with a bunch of the same flowers. Your gonna be a part of something bigger than where you are right now. 

I'm sorry it took me so long to stop trying so hard to be what I'm not to make you happy. I realize now that my true joy is more infectious than my desperation to be accepted. To the girl that said she was jealous of me, you need not be. You are SO TOTALLY allowed to be yourself. Dance when the music stops, I dare you. You don't think I was scared of rejection when I took my first step? I'll take it with you, and we can be different together. 

You don't know where your headed, but the sun is shining today. So grow. Soak in the rain when it comes. Let your roots grow further and sturdier when a storm hits, and DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. 

Am I Brave Enough?

School has defiantly started. School shopping has taken place (thank you to my personal stylist, my mother), and first day jitters have worn off.  I'm a senior in high school. I still cant believe it. I don't feel like I should be. I feel like I'm 10 and I have so much growing to do. 

I'm looking for colleges. I'm planning my future, I'm going to be legal to vote. Live on my own. I'm going to actually be an adult that has to pick out their own clothes and shop online for the best deals without their mom saying "yeah, I think that's a good deal". I'll be paying taxes and doing jobs. I'm gonna have to do the dishes without my mom telling me to. No one is gonna wake me up and cook me breakfast. This is it for me. This is the beginning of the end of my childhood. I wont be able to grumble at my parents, except for over the phone. I'll be figuring out my life on my own. I'll have to be brave and take leaps. I'm going to be in charge of curfew and standing up for myself. I'm not going to be able to give my mom seven million hugs a day.  I have to be brave now... but do I have what it takes? 

Thats the only question. Do I have what it takes? Am I enough? 

Is it a state of mind? Where am I going? Am I brave enough? Brave enough to just say yes to opportunity. To take a shot in the face of fear. Brave enough to accept myself. Am I brave enough to face rejection by peers and teachers. People I want to impress with my writing. Singing, dancing. Anything that is me. Am I brave enough to be myself and take a no? To give it all I have, and still fall short? 

I know what the pain of rejection feels like. I know what it is to give 100 and still fall short. I know what it feels like to feel crazy and alone. To feel isolated and abandoned, so am I brave enough to take that risk on a larger scale? If walking into a school of 200 kids terrifies me, and I brave enough to walk into a school with more than a thousand? 



Am I brave enough to let all of that go? 


My mom always says "Let it go". I heard a guest speaker a year or two ago that said the key to true happiness is to "let it go". Can I? Can I actually just let it go? Is it one breath of air before diving in? Before hitting "send" on that college application. Of making a choice? Or is it mental fortitude? Is it 15 seconds of courage? Does it take more than 15? Or less? Is it the once second you say yes that changes everything? What if I make the wrong choice? Is all of this ridiculous? 

I'll be honest. I'm ashamed of my possible lack of faith. My parents have raised me amazing, I know I'm not the one in control of whether or not any of this works. I don't have a say in what God's plan for me is. It will be way better than anything I could dream up anyways. 

Am I going to be brave enough to go where he needs me? What if he says "Hey G, I'm gonna need you to risk this relationship so this amazing thing can happen"? Like, being left by someone I love is probably my biggest fear. Being rejected, anyways. Is that my biggest fear? I mean, I don't even know my own biggest fear. So how am I supposed to conquer it? What if it is my biggest fear and I'm so scared of being rejected for it that I won't even admit it to myself? 

I could honestly spend the rest of your day (and mine) asking "what if's" that all relate directly to this topic. There are millions! And I've probably spent enough time over thinking it, that I could do it quite successfully. But whats the point? How am I going to ever be brave enough if I don't just get out there and do it? I'm gonna get off my laptop and start motivating myself now. I hope Y'all have a fabulous day.

 YOU GOT THIS. YOU ROCK. YOU SHINE. 

Fall is...

Helllooooooo my lovely people!! Fall has sprung! (ahhha! not just a spring term). Sprung like a little kitten out of a tree, some tall grass, or maybe out from behind a plant pot next to the front door. With kittens, you never really know from where they will pounce. 

This is Spook. He's my little swamp kitty <3 

Point is, Fall is here, and I am going to share with you what that looks like for me (In a poetic form because yolo) 💞

Fall is crunchy crackers and tomato soup

Fall is rainy days and coffee with my mom 

Fall is walks down the road in layers because it might become warm 

Fall is picking up apples out of our yard 

Fall is hunting season 

Fall is vibrant colors and ever present good lighting 

Fall is "Maybe it will snow. maybe it will rain. Maybe lightning. Maybe 90 degrees" 

Fall is pumpkin smashing 

Fall is pumpkin carving 

Fall is team bonfires and homecoming 

Fall is a change in plates 

Fall is shamelessly wearing knee socks and shorts 

Fall is Brown sugar and cinnamon 

Fall is using your oven during the day for the first time in 5 months 

Fall is little kittens getting in the way, but also snuggling 

Fall is cute boots and flannel shirts 

Fall is back to school, but wait, didn't school start a month ago? 

Fall is "wow. this year went so fast!" 

Fall is Mint M&M's and caramel macchiatos

Fall is raking leaves, too hot to wear a sweater, but too cold to take it off

Fall is the smell of library books

Fall is burgundy lipstick and aesthetic outfits 

Fall is Mommy and Me time 

Fall is Halloween Town and Hallmark 

Fall is warm flavors and spices, almonds and walnuts 

Fall is a house that smells like zucchini bread 

Fall is warm hands to hold (unless your holding mine) 

Fall is brisk mornings and snowy mountains 

Fall also typically includes me tripping a lot, but thats every season

What does your Fall look like? Snuggle up with a hot cup of coffee or cider and drop it in the comments! I REALLY want to know!! Also, go ahead and check out my school blog, 

thegeorgiasideofthings.wordpress.com

Thank you!! 

Breaking Ice

Do you ever have those days (or weeks, in my case) where your walking on ice, and no matter what you do, no matter how light or quick you step, you always shatter? 

These weeks are always pretty emotional for me. Which usually makes it worse. Why am I crying? Legit, nothing happened. I feel like I can't do anything right. The dishes, the floors, my simplest chores, and to top it all off, I talk excessively and my temper is short, making already difficult situations, even worse.  I find myself whispering "wisdom keeps her mouth shut" more and more urgently till I feel like I have to yell it at myself. 

Do you ever feel like your mind is saying one thing, but your entire body is in strict defiance? Georgia, don't do that. HAHA! TOO LATE SUCKAAAA! 
Because if so, SAME. 

My family gets really tired of my attitude, and so do I. Not just because I miss out on things, like the valuable time I get to spend with my friend in-between our hectic schedules,  but also on life itself. I feel like the second I step anywhere near humans, I'm going to explode. 

I'm assuming none of you have read the book "Unwound" and I honestly don't really know if I recommend it. Its a strange book. One of the key parts of the book are characters called Clappers. They drink (or inject, they never made it clear) a substance into their system that makes them extremely explosive. Like, touching them could make them blow up. They are suicide bombers, and all they have to do is clap to detonate. Like I said though. It could even just be too warm, and they could blow up. 

I feel like I am a Clapper. Nothing big has to happen, I just explode, and I know that that is really toxic, for me AND the people around me. I also feel alone in this struggle. 

As I am reminded, everybody else can contain their emotion. Its not just anger, it excitement, sadness, pain, joy, just whatever. I'm always over the top expressing it. 

One of my friends brought up (in love, I think) that it could be because I hold anger in my heart. Anger at what though? I think mostly I'm angry at myself. Why am I like this? Why do I do this? Why cant I just be RIGHT or ENOUGH. Why am I so sensitive and passionate? 

I've done a lot of self evaluation because I enjoy over thinking and excessive contemplation about things like this, and I've figured it out. 

What actually adds meaning to ones life? 

I think it depends on who you are. Maybe meaning in your life means that every day, you go to school and teach 12 kids real things that they are gonna need later on in life. Maybe it means that you get your teenagers out of bed and make them go to school, and go to their football games and cross country meets. Maybe it means you help people pay off debt, or get to see a kids eyes light up when they look at their bank account growing. Maybe you make people glow every day because you changed their hair and that made a difference in their life. 

Could it just be perspective? Are you allowing things in your life to give your life meaning? Or are you just searching for something to fill that spot? Maybe the whole thing is that you don't realize how truly valuable you are in others lives. 

I had a friend that used to wake up every day of his life and ask himself "why? Why am I doing this? Why do I wake up every morning and go work all day just so I can come home to bills I can't pay and stress myself to sleep so I can wake up the next morning and do it all again?" He's 18. He works at a gas station. However, he helped me find the meaning in my life (or one thing that adds meaning, because as I've been searching, I have found MANY things that put meaning in my life, such as this blog), and that helped him find his (or one of his. He has many meanings, I'm just waiting for his Great Awakening) 

He told me once, that I helped him wake up for school every morning. I was really confused, because we didn't even talk that much. He continued on about how he figured that if I could come to school and go through the same thing with the same kid everyday, just hoping to make a difference, he could come to school and do his best to make a difference. I hadn't realized that I was doing anything that would affect anyone, I was in a low spot (I seem to be in a lot of them???) and kinda felt like it was pointless. But that boosted me. I was like "yeah, I got this" and started working harder, and the kid was right beside me. We kinda pushed each other, and he graduated with good grades, and I ended the school year on an extremely positive note. 

Maybe at this point you don't see it, but I can assure you, your life has meaning. As One Direction said (Before they went 5 directions) "you don't know your beautiful" and to prove it right, they put it in a song. So to prove I'm right, I put it in a blog. Your life has a meaning. What are you gonna do with it? 

Don't Let Your Dreams Be Dreams

As some of you may be aware, I AM BACK ON THE EHS CHEER SQUAD!!!!!! Which isn't recent, it happened over the summer, thanks to hard work from Maria (my teacher), my parents, and EHS School Board. 

Here is what I was expecting: Friday night lights, cute uniforms, fun senior year.

Here is what I got: A beautiful, amazing, close knit team; the cutest uniforms ever; participation in a college spirit day for WSU; to ride on top of a huge fire truck as we car rallied all over town; became part of a penguin power team; a group of girls that are my friends, even outside of cheer; awesome dance buddies; confidence; and most important, appreciation. 

Homecoming was yesterday, and I say yesterday because it was ALL DAY. I spent 12 hours (or more??) in my uniform. We had a school-wide team breakfast at 9 (I was ready by 8:20), then car rally, volleyball games, team dinner, then the game, which ended around 10, (because the ENTIRE FOOTBALL FIELDS LIGHTS WENT OUT AND IT TOOK A GOOD 20-30 MIN TO GET THEM ON AGAIN. The whole entire field was dark, and we stood on the cheer platform and INVENTED CHEERS, ON THE SPOT, TO KEEP PEOPLE ENTERTAINED. IT WAS SO AMAZING OH MY LORD.) and I was in my uniform for all of that. Needless to say, putting on my Homecoming dress was such a relief. 

The hoco court was BEAUTIFUL. Ashley, Eliza, Riley, and Reece were all stunning in their long evening gowns, glistening under the lights, their escorts, Brett, Brycen, Cole, and Trent ranged from football players to cross country runners and entrepreneurs. Eliza and Cole took the crowns, and we named our new mascot Oakley. 

The whole day was like something out of one of my dreams. It was full of laughter, cheering, pep, and just complete and total belonging. As I sat on top of the fire truck that morning, 10 cheerleaders with me, I honestly felt like I was given a wish through Make A Wish. 

When I transferred to the school I go to now, I knew it was for the best. I needed a space where I could just do school and that was it. I knew I had to give up sports and FFA and music, and that hurt. I never thought I would get it back, but I knew I couldn't get my life back together enough if I didn't transfer, so I severed those ties and went to work on piecing myself back together. In the past two years, I have spent two summers working on school work. (even when I wasn't, I was hard core stressing over it, which I know is never healthy) When I transferred, I started actually getting work done, letting go of stress, and getting things back together. It burned that I was in a place that I could finally cheer again.... but still couldn't. 

Then all of a sudden, like a ray of light in the dark (not even kidding or being poetic), cheer became an option. Like, a tangible, real option for me. 

This is where I stop and make a lame comparison.  #bunny_trail 

When I was 14 years old, I broke my ankle within the first week and a half of summer. I had two solid months of travel planned out, I was pumped, ready for adventure and excitement. Yes, I still got to do all of it, but I was in a wheelchair. Or on crutches. Or just in pain and lagging behind everyone else because learning to walk on your foot again after a couple months HURTS. Seriously, I don't recommend it. Slowly, I was allowed to walk further, maybe pick up the pace a little. No jumping yet, no running. Weird how when something is taken from you, its all you want. 

I never went running or did much true exercise outside of farm work before that summer. As soon as my doctor okayed it though, I was running, jumping, riding my bike. EXERCISING. Even today I still go for runs. I love the muscle I'm building in my legs, even though its hard to find skinny jeans that fit your calves and your waist... hahahaha...... 

Point is, I take care of my legs because for a short time I couldn't utilize them. I knew I would get them back (duh, it was a cracked ankle. I'm so dramatic sometimes) regardless, I'm thankful for my legs.

NOW MAGNIFY THAT. BY A MILLION. Because I didn't think I would ever cheer again. I thought I wouldn't ever wear that uniform again. Yet, there I was, glowing. Its mine again. Cheer is mine, and so much better than it ever was. I'm still sitting here in complete astonishment of how completely and totally lucky I am.

I worked, thinking that I wouldn't get any reward except graduating. I put in hours after school, on the weekends, over summers. I didn't expect cheer. I was completely ready to graduate high school, and go to college, and watch the games, and wish that I had just gotten my life together so I could cheer. 

I'm honestly just typing words into my laptop at this point. I am so blown away, so full of complete gratitude to my teacher, who didn't give up on me, my parents, who pushed me, and the superintendent and school board of EHS. You all worked together and honestly made my dreams come true. 

Appreciate what you have. Every pain you feel. It makes life rich. All that joy, all that excitement. Even when you drag your feet to football practice or cross country or basketball or wrestling because your tired. APPRECIATE IT. Because really, it could be taken from you. You might be thinking "nah, I'll just always do the right thing and I'll never lose it". Well not to be dramatic, but you really don't know. You don't know whats around the corner. You don't know whats lurking up ahead. My classmate didn't think they were gonna total their truck but one morning it was icy and they had to break for an elk. You really just don't know. Take care of what you have. Take care of your body, your mind. Take care of your relationships. Take care and appreciate. 

Thats the most solid advice I can give you. Have an attitude of gratitude. Life will sparkle a lot more once you do.