Breaking Ice

Do you ever have those days (or weeks, in my case) where your walking on ice, and no matter what you do, no matter how light or quick you step, you always shatter? 

These weeks are always pretty emotional for me. Which usually makes it worse. Why am I crying? Legit, nothing happened. I feel like I can't do anything right. The dishes, the floors, my simplest chores, and to top it all off, I talk excessively and my temper is short, making already difficult situations, even worse.  I find myself whispering "wisdom keeps her mouth shut" more and more urgently till I feel like I have to yell it at myself. 

Do you ever feel like your mind is saying one thing, but your entire body is in strict defiance? Georgia, don't do that. HAHA! TOO LATE SUCKAAAA! 
Because if so, SAME. 

My family gets really tired of my attitude, and so do I. Not just because I miss out on things, like the valuable time I get to spend with my friend in-between our hectic schedules,  but also on life itself. I feel like the second I step anywhere near humans, I'm going to explode. 

I'm assuming none of you have read the book "Unwound" and I honestly don't really know if I recommend it. Its a strange book. One of the key parts of the book are characters called Clappers. They drink (or inject, they never made it clear) a substance into their system that makes them extremely explosive. Like, touching them could make them blow up. They are suicide bombers, and all they have to do is clap to detonate. Like I said though. It could even just be too warm, and they could blow up. 

I feel like I am a Clapper. Nothing big has to happen, I just explode, and I know that that is really toxic, for me AND the people around me. I also feel alone in this struggle. 

As I am reminded, everybody else can contain their emotion. Its not just anger, it excitement, sadness, pain, joy, just whatever. I'm always over the top expressing it. 

One of my friends brought up (in love, I think) that it could be because I hold anger in my heart. Anger at what though? I think mostly I'm angry at myself. Why am I like this? Why do I do this? Why cant I just be RIGHT or ENOUGH. Why am I so sensitive and passionate? 

I've done a lot of self evaluation because I enjoy over thinking and excessive contemplation about things like this, and I've figured it out. 

What actually adds meaning to ones life? 

I think it depends on who you are. Maybe meaning in your life means that every day, you go to school and teach 12 kids real things that they are gonna need later on in life. Maybe it means that you get your teenagers out of bed and make them go to school, and go to their football games and cross country meets. Maybe it means you help people pay off debt, or get to see a kids eyes light up when they look at their bank account growing. Maybe you make people glow every day because you changed their hair and that made a difference in their life. 

Could it just be perspective? Are you allowing things in your life to give your life meaning? Or are you just searching for something to fill that spot? Maybe the whole thing is that you don't realize how truly valuable you are in others lives. 

I had a friend that used to wake up every day of his life and ask himself "why? Why am I doing this? Why do I wake up every morning and go work all day just so I can come home to bills I can't pay and stress myself to sleep so I can wake up the next morning and do it all again?" He's 18. He works at a gas station. However, he helped me find the meaning in my life (or one thing that adds meaning, because as I've been searching, I have found MANY things that put meaning in my life, such as this blog), and that helped him find his (or one of his. He has many meanings, I'm just waiting for his Great Awakening) 

He told me once, that I helped him wake up for school every morning. I was really confused, because we didn't even talk that much. He continued on about how he figured that if I could come to school and go through the same thing with the same kid everyday, just hoping to make a difference, he could come to school and do his best to make a difference. I hadn't realized that I was doing anything that would affect anyone, I was in a low spot (I seem to be in a lot of them???) and kinda felt like it was pointless. But that boosted me. I was like "yeah, I got this" and started working harder, and the kid was right beside me. We kinda pushed each other, and he graduated with good grades, and I ended the school year on an extremely positive note. 

Maybe at this point you don't see it, but I can assure you, your life has meaning. As One Direction said (Before they went 5 directions) "you don't know your beautiful" and to prove it right, they put it in a song. So to prove I'm right, I put it in a blog. Your life has a meaning. What are you gonna do with it?