I like reading. I pride myself on being able to read the entire Harry Potter series in a week. I love cuddling up with my mom to watch some lame show. I like letting the quiet settle around me like a warm blanket. I love cuddling with kittens and being intuitive and deep. I love big words and digging into the psychology of humans. I love having substance. I love being smart and thoughtful. I love having compassion and kindness. I love WANTING to do my chores. I love thinking about good things, and working hard and just letting my mind rest. I love that. I love listening to country music and driving slow. I love making my teachers and my parents proud.
But I get caught up in being this other person, and I don't even know them, and to be frank, I hate them. This person is loud, shes SO spunky. Like, yes. I love my spunk. But this chick? WAY TOO MUCH. Shes bouncing on the walls. No deep thought, no room for quiet. She is chaos. I can list of tons of designer brands, I know about models and makeup and pop culture and I'm constantly going. I have humiliated myself in front of my teachers. Saying something so totally dumb. I get so caught up being this other person, that I completely forget who the heck I am.
I take more time to take care of myself, than I do to take care of others. I get hurt when people point out flaws in a way to help me grow, not to insult. Its like I'm offended that someone could possibly be wanting to improve ME.
I know this sounds crazy, but I seriously have no idea how to control when it happens. She sits in my mind and whispers mean things to me, and it makes me sad. Then, I wake up and I'm in a bad mood because I instantly hate myself for not meeting my own impossible expectations. Its horrible. And I get to school and to cover up the fact that I don't really like myself, I'm all bouncing off the walls, or I'm snappy... and my teachers see a side of me that I never wanted them to see. The people around me meet a me that is not ME.
Then comes time to write an essay... and I want to prove that there is more to me. My teachers, parents, friends. They all talk about what a good writer I am, and I just put so much pressure on myself. Like, I feel like I should write something that the entire world is going to connect to and feel and understand. Something that is gonna change perspectives, bring the world to tears, and improve the lives of everyone. As a wonderful person told me once, not even Elvis made a #1 hit every time. Its such a struggle. Why am I trying to impress people still? Why can't I just settle into my beloved silence? Why do I feel such a need to be THE KID who will never ever let their guard down. The kid thats either ecstatic to be alive, or murdering people with a glare?
HEY G. WHERE ARE YOU?
To be honest, my makeup takes three minutes. All I know how to do is like, foundation, mascara, and blush. I can do my whole face in the time of one song. So why do I go to school and act like my face took 15 hours and a beauty squad. Obviously, I just look like me, because I do the same thing I do everyday. Why do I fill my life with appearance, rather than substance? I know who I really am. I'm sad though, because no one else does, and I'm making everyone else dislike me and my extremeness. I'm waiting. Searching for the real Georgia to please stand up. I am not a bad banana!!! I have Substance, I have character, deep thoughts, intellect, insight. I really did read the dictionary in the 5th grade, because I was proud of having a huge vocabulary (for a 5th grader...)
So who are you? I mean, really. Listen to yourself, not the rest of the world, and just tell me.
Who ARE you when your done being everyone else?
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Friday, November 24, 2017
Christmas
What other day is so spectacular that an entire month is dedicated to it? That people prepare for it, plan for it. That thousands of songs are written about it, and the world quite literally lights up for it?
Yeah. New Years is great, and we celebrate it for the night. Independence day is pretty neat, and we light fireworks one night (most of us, anyways) and have a boss BBQ that day. Halloween is pretty neat, and people dress up for it and kids plan costumes. The air changes. Communities open up their doors individually to give kids candy. And Thanksgiving. Well. Thanksgiving is often over-looked because next month, right behind it, is the shining star (but you know, you can't skip one day of being with your family and eating a huge mean to celebrate all that you have) but Christmas. CHRISTMAS.
Its not just a day on the calendar. Its in the air. Its truly in the heart. It becomes a PART of you. You can feel it. I know you can. Because its not just each of us doing something. Its each of us doing something TOGETHER. Its choirs meeting twice a week for the Christmas program at the churches and schools. Its the lights that the city hangs up, that the pedestrians hang up. Its the quiet fall of the snow, muffling all the noise of yard work and sidewalks, that only months ago could have cooked an egg. Its the cold shuffling, the frost biting your face. Its looking up at the sky and not being able to hold back a laugh that's been growing inside of you.
Life is like a song, yeah? Its beautiful and dramatic and sometimes its slow and quiet and peaceful, sometimes it makes you cry, or roll down your window and let the wind blow through your hair, singing with your best friend. Christmas is like the swell in the music. When all the love, the joy, the excitement and everything else tossed into this masterpiece comes together in a great, moving bubble. Its not the freedom of summer. Its the hum of something more. Because Christmas is something MORE.
People say its the season of miracles, because beautiful, amazing things happen. A community comes together, in a church, on the streets, in shops and behind the doors of homes. Warm fires are lit, while compassion warms the frosty air. The poor are fed lavish meals, toy boxes are set out so they can have presents, too. Operation Christmas Child, Operation Christmas Angel, Meals on Wheels... its the time of year when people get satisfaction from giving to others. When someone else smiles, at your expense, means more than any gift.
My heart fills with warmth. Christmas to me, is more than trees and lights and songs and the Christmas service at the church. Its time for me to remember to be thankful, to remember how thankful I should be. God sent His child to us. Soft and quiet, He was delivered into the world. The Kind of Kings, the Ancient of Days. He was given to us as the gift of all gifts. Emanuel. God is with us. He gave it all to us. Isn't it wonderful that we get to give back? I mean, I strive live my life, giving it all to God. Every day. But a season. Like, you could have frosting on the cake, ooorrrr you could just eat out of the container. Christmas is kind of like eating out of the container. Its all that wonderfulnes, concentrated into one thing.
OR LIKE, YOU COULD HAVE COOL WHIP ON COCOA, OR YOU COULD JUST GRAB A SPOON AND DIVE IN TO THE COOL WHIP. Hello, I don't know about you, but I'm going for the spoon.
Sorry. I got really excited because I just remembered we have both cocoa, and cool whip.
Anyways. We put a magnifying glass on all that we can do for the world. On all that we can DO for the world! I am so thankful that I have enough to give to others. Each year, my family picks four different charities, and we each get to donate a portion of our Christmas money to them. My personal favorite is Mercy Ships, because they do sort of what I want to do, except I can't be a doctor (Blood? No thanks). But there are so many out there! I love giving to our local food banks, helping deliver the food and gift boxes. Its so beautiful to give to others. Its beautiful to see how grateful these people are. I have SO MUCH. It really shows me how much I have.
And the family! Ahh. I love it. We are Italian, and there are a few of us. We don't get the opportunity to pack all of us in someones house all that often, but when we do? It's beautiful. I love it. I hang out with my aunts, girl cousins, and mom, while my dad and brother hang out with the dudes of the family. We have wonderful conversations about everything. The past, the present, the future. Sitting around those tables is where a lot of my career options, inspirations, and motivations have come from. Winter is cold, which instantly justifies snuggling with my mom, which I cant do in the summer because its so hot its insane. We also get to drive around and look at lights, packed into our truck, Christmas music playing softly, warm cookies on our laps, driving around. Or cocoa in our hands while we walk around the lights in Lewiston.
Christmas seriously just seems to bring us all closer. I'm not sure I am humanly possible to verbally or physically express what Christmas makes me feel inside. Its magical. A virgin birth. Whats more magical than that?
Yeah. New Years is great, and we celebrate it for the night. Independence day is pretty neat, and we light fireworks one night (most of us, anyways) and have a boss BBQ that day. Halloween is pretty neat, and people dress up for it and kids plan costumes. The air changes. Communities open up their doors individually to give kids candy. And Thanksgiving. Well. Thanksgiving is often over-looked because next month, right behind it, is the shining star (but you know, you can't skip one day of being with your family and eating a huge mean to celebrate all that you have) but Christmas. CHRISTMAS.
Its not just a day on the calendar. Its in the air. Its truly in the heart. It becomes a PART of you. You can feel it. I know you can. Because its not just each of us doing something. Its each of us doing something TOGETHER. Its choirs meeting twice a week for the Christmas program at the churches and schools. Its the lights that the city hangs up, that the pedestrians hang up. Its the quiet fall of the snow, muffling all the noise of yard work and sidewalks, that only months ago could have cooked an egg. Its the cold shuffling, the frost biting your face. Its looking up at the sky and not being able to hold back a laugh that's been growing inside of you.
Life is like a song, yeah? Its beautiful and dramatic and sometimes its slow and quiet and peaceful, sometimes it makes you cry, or roll down your window and let the wind blow through your hair, singing with your best friend. Christmas is like the swell in the music. When all the love, the joy, the excitement and everything else tossed into this masterpiece comes together in a great, moving bubble. Its not the freedom of summer. Its the hum of something more. Because Christmas is something MORE.
People say its the season of miracles, because beautiful, amazing things happen. A community comes together, in a church, on the streets, in shops and behind the doors of homes. Warm fires are lit, while compassion warms the frosty air. The poor are fed lavish meals, toy boxes are set out so they can have presents, too. Operation Christmas Child, Operation Christmas Angel, Meals on Wheels... its the time of year when people get satisfaction from giving to others. When someone else smiles, at your expense, means more than any gift.
My heart fills with warmth. Christmas to me, is more than trees and lights and songs and the Christmas service at the church. Its time for me to remember to be thankful, to remember how thankful I should be. God sent His child to us. Soft and quiet, He was delivered into the world. The Kind of Kings, the Ancient of Days. He was given to us as the gift of all gifts. Emanuel. God is with us. He gave it all to us. Isn't it wonderful that we get to give back? I mean, I strive live my life, giving it all to God. Every day. But a season. Like, you could have frosting on the cake, ooorrrr you could just eat out of the container. Christmas is kind of like eating out of the container. Its all that wonderfulnes, concentrated into one thing.
OR LIKE, YOU COULD HAVE COOL WHIP ON COCOA, OR YOU COULD JUST GRAB A SPOON AND DIVE IN TO THE COOL WHIP. Hello, I don't know about you, but I'm going for the spoon.
Sorry. I got really excited because I just remembered we have both cocoa, and cool whip.
Anyways. We put a magnifying glass on all that we can do for the world. On all that we can DO for the world! I am so thankful that I have enough to give to others. Each year, my family picks four different charities, and we each get to donate a portion of our Christmas money to them. My personal favorite is Mercy Ships, because they do sort of what I want to do, except I can't be a doctor (Blood? No thanks). But there are so many out there! I love giving to our local food banks, helping deliver the food and gift boxes. Its so beautiful to give to others. Its beautiful to see how grateful these people are. I have SO MUCH. It really shows me how much I have.
And the family! Ahh. I love it. We are Italian, and there are a few of us. We don't get the opportunity to pack all of us in someones house all that often, but when we do? It's beautiful. I love it. I hang out with my aunts, girl cousins, and mom, while my dad and brother hang out with the dudes of the family. We have wonderful conversations about everything. The past, the present, the future. Sitting around those tables is where a lot of my career options, inspirations, and motivations have come from. Winter is cold, which instantly justifies snuggling with my mom, which I cant do in the summer because its so hot its insane. We also get to drive around and look at lights, packed into our truck, Christmas music playing softly, warm cookies on our laps, driving around. Or cocoa in our hands while we walk around the lights in Lewiston.
Christmas seriously just seems to bring us all closer. I'm not sure I am humanly possible to verbally or physically express what Christmas makes me feel inside. Its magical. A virgin birth. Whats more magical than that?
Thursday, November 23, 2017
Thankful
Happy Thanksgiving! We should be thankful every day, and I honestly try to be. This is just a short post on some of the people I'm grateful for.
First and foremost, I would like to thank God, for giving me this life, and then protecting me. I have not been the easiest kid to keep on track, and I have defiantly not stayed on track. He has been my anchor, my strength, and often, my only hope.
I would also like to thank my amazing mother. She is the strongest woman I know. She has (quite successfully, I think) raised three children, met everyday with a smile, and kept going, even when all signs pointed to giving up. My mom has been my best friend since I can remember. We have cried together, laughed together, had fun girl weekends.. We mirror each other in sickness and in health. She understands me, works with me, her hugs can dissolve my anger. I have not been the easiest kid to raise, and she has never stopped loving me. Making choices that were right for me. Shes spent hours making Halloween costumes for me (even just this year!) makes special food for me, because I can't have gluten. Shes the first person I ever drove with, even though I know she was terrified. Shes the woman who makes it to all of my school functions to support me, the mom that takes care of me before cheer, dances, everything. My mom is my everything and I am so incredibly grateful to have her in my life.
I'm also grateful for my little brother. Hes like, six million feet tall. He can beat me in all of our wrestling fights, he can push me over without even trying. Hes big, hes intimidating, serious. Deep down though, is my brother. Hes the first to protect me. Even when I claim I don't need it. He makes me smile when I don't want to, his jokes are stupid and he can do this scream at a pitch that should not be legal for a man to do. Hes an amazing driver, good practice for when I need to sing over loud, annoying distractions, he is insanely smart and handsome. I know I annoy him a lot, and he hates it when I'm all emotional and mushy. Or when I'm singing. Or I get to the bathroom first in the morning. or when I walk into his room. But without him, no one would walk into my room without permission. No one would be so protective. No one would give me headaches in car rides, no one would ask me to braid their hair.
Jake is my best friend, and I am so grateful that I get him to yell at me to stop crying.
My dad and I have a lot of amazing memories together too. When I was little, I had rolled a perfect snowball with my dad, and we stored it under this huge pine tree to keep it safe. I remember Christmas tree hunting, sitting in the back of the white chevy, in all my snow clothes, wrapped in a blanket as we lumbered down the road. Or that one time the white chevy broke down and we had to walk to the closest house and he held my hand so I wasn't scared. I used to get really sick from driving down rattle snake grade, and my dad would always take it supper slow for me. We used to play this game in the car when we would turn on the country station and I'd guess which artist and song it was. My dad and I haven't always seen eye to eye, and we fight sometimes. but when I come home crying, he always has ice cream and a hug ready for me when he gets home. He takes good care of my car, and always warns me when its icy or cold or dangerous. My dad has always taken amazing care of me and I will always appreciate that.
Next is a huge thank you to all of my friends. Even the ones I don't talk to anymore. Each and every one of you has had an impact in my life. Each of you has been an amazing friend, and provided me with a beautiful growing opportunity. You've all built a part of me. Countless hours on the phone, the same team, hours spent laying in the grass, staring at stars we wished we could reach. Whispering secrets, drinking milkshakes. You've inspired thousands of smiles, wiped my tears, even while I wiped yours. Midnight dives into the pool, sleeping on the trampoline, the all-nighters, the brownies at 2 AM. The mutual support. Every broken heart. Each of you helped me grow in such different ways. You've enriched my life with every moment or ours together, and apart. I will forever be grateful for the pain and the joy.
Thank you to my teachers at Alt. Ed. You gave me a second chance, you never gave up on me. You support me, you find ways to promote my academic growth, your patient (especially you Michael, thank you for math :D) You teach me important life skills, people skills. You are helping me build my confidence. You're supporting my college dream. You are making my dreams into goals and my goals into actions. I wake up, excited to get to school. Excited to do my best. Excited to make you proud. I'm excited to sing with Maria and adult with Jenni. I'm excited to write with Cam and just grow and learn and absorb as much as I possibly can. I will never be able to tell you how much I appreciate you and all that you have done for me. Ever.
THANK YOU to my employer, Leslie. You make work so fun. It doesn't matter what kind of day I'm having, you just make things better. I love our dance parties, I love the food, the talks. Ruby Peak is one of my favorite places to be. You are an amazing, beautiful person and I honestly just enjoy being around you. I always learn something. Every day. It doesn't matter if no one walks in the door and asks about natural remedies, I learn how to relax, how to let go, how to laugh and smile and just be Georgia, in public! I love working for you, and I love you. Its gonna be hard saying goodbye!! I am forever appreciative of you.
ECC!!!! THANK YOU!!!! You guys have always been so amazingly supportive. You've promoted my singing dream, your helping me peruse my passions, your my safe place, your my happy place. The way the light comes through the windows, the people filling the space. The complete atmosphere. I just feel so grounded, so complete. So close to God. Everyone is so full of love. you find ways to include me and the rest of the youth. Hopefully, we are headed into Texas over spring break. I can't een put my gratitude into words. Thank you. Thank you SO SO SO much.
And to my blog readers. Thank you. You have no idea. This blog started as an empty chat room I talked to myself and now its this beautiful thing where people are supporting me through everything. You guys are so amazing and beautiful. Thank you so much. Why don't you drop what your thankful for in the comments?
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
First and foremost, I would like to thank God, for giving me this life, and then protecting me. I have not been the easiest kid to keep on track, and I have defiantly not stayed on track. He has been my anchor, my strength, and often, my only hope.
I would also like to thank my amazing mother. She is the strongest woman I know. She has (quite successfully, I think) raised three children, met everyday with a smile, and kept going, even when all signs pointed to giving up. My mom has been my best friend since I can remember. We have cried together, laughed together, had fun girl weekends.. We mirror each other in sickness and in health. She understands me, works with me, her hugs can dissolve my anger. I have not been the easiest kid to raise, and she has never stopped loving me. Making choices that were right for me. Shes spent hours making Halloween costumes for me (even just this year!) makes special food for me, because I can't have gluten. Shes the first person I ever drove with, even though I know she was terrified. Shes the woman who makes it to all of my school functions to support me, the mom that takes care of me before cheer, dances, everything. My mom is my everything and I am so incredibly grateful to have her in my life.
I'm also grateful for my little brother. Hes like, six million feet tall. He can beat me in all of our wrestling fights, he can push me over without even trying. Hes big, hes intimidating, serious. Deep down though, is my brother. Hes the first to protect me. Even when I claim I don't need it. He makes me smile when I don't want to, his jokes are stupid and he can do this scream at a pitch that should not be legal for a man to do. Hes an amazing driver, good practice for when I need to sing over loud, annoying distractions, he is insanely smart and handsome. I know I annoy him a lot, and he hates it when I'm all emotional and mushy. Or when I'm singing. Or I get to the bathroom first in the morning. or when I walk into his room. But without him, no one would walk into my room without permission. No one would be so protective. No one would give me headaches in car rides, no one would ask me to braid their hair.
Jake is my best friend, and I am so grateful that I get him to yell at me to stop crying.
My dad and I have a lot of amazing memories together too. When I was little, I had rolled a perfect snowball with my dad, and we stored it under this huge pine tree to keep it safe. I remember Christmas tree hunting, sitting in the back of the white chevy, in all my snow clothes, wrapped in a blanket as we lumbered down the road. Or that one time the white chevy broke down and we had to walk to the closest house and he held my hand so I wasn't scared. I used to get really sick from driving down rattle snake grade, and my dad would always take it supper slow for me. We used to play this game in the car when we would turn on the country station and I'd guess which artist and song it was. My dad and I haven't always seen eye to eye, and we fight sometimes. but when I come home crying, he always has ice cream and a hug ready for me when he gets home. He takes good care of my car, and always warns me when its icy or cold or dangerous. My dad has always taken amazing care of me and I will always appreciate that.
Next is a huge thank you to all of my friends. Even the ones I don't talk to anymore. Each and every one of you has had an impact in my life. Each of you has been an amazing friend, and provided me with a beautiful growing opportunity. You've all built a part of me. Countless hours on the phone, the same team, hours spent laying in the grass, staring at stars we wished we could reach. Whispering secrets, drinking milkshakes. You've inspired thousands of smiles, wiped my tears, even while I wiped yours. Midnight dives into the pool, sleeping on the trampoline, the all-nighters, the brownies at 2 AM. The mutual support. Every broken heart. Each of you helped me grow in such different ways. You've enriched my life with every moment or ours together, and apart. I will forever be grateful for the pain and the joy.
Thank you to my teachers at Alt. Ed. You gave me a second chance, you never gave up on me. You support me, you find ways to promote my academic growth, your patient (especially you Michael, thank you for math :D) You teach me important life skills, people skills. You are helping me build my confidence. You're supporting my college dream. You are making my dreams into goals and my goals into actions. I wake up, excited to get to school. Excited to do my best. Excited to make you proud. I'm excited to sing with Maria and adult with Jenni. I'm excited to write with Cam and just grow and learn and absorb as much as I possibly can. I will never be able to tell you how much I appreciate you and all that you have done for me. Ever.
THANK YOU to my employer, Leslie. You make work so fun. It doesn't matter what kind of day I'm having, you just make things better. I love our dance parties, I love the food, the talks. Ruby Peak is one of my favorite places to be. You are an amazing, beautiful person and I honestly just enjoy being around you. I always learn something. Every day. It doesn't matter if no one walks in the door and asks about natural remedies, I learn how to relax, how to let go, how to laugh and smile and just be Georgia, in public! I love working for you, and I love you. Its gonna be hard saying goodbye!! I am forever appreciative of you.
ECC!!!! THANK YOU!!!! You guys have always been so amazingly supportive. You've promoted my singing dream, your helping me peruse my passions, your my safe place, your my happy place. The way the light comes through the windows, the people filling the space. The complete atmosphere. I just feel so grounded, so complete. So close to God. Everyone is so full of love. you find ways to include me and the rest of the youth. Hopefully, we are headed into Texas over spring break. I can't een put my gratitude into words. Thank you. Thank you SO SO SO much.
And to my blog readers. Thank you. You have no idea. This blog started as an empty chat room I talked to myself and now its this beautiful thing where people are supporting me through everything. You guys are so amazing and beautiful. Thank you so much. Why don't you drop what your thankful for in the comments?
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
Friday, November 17, 2017
Alone
I am completely surrounded. I've got amazing, supportive friends on one side of me, and a beautiful, wonderful family on the other. I've got God in my heart, my past mistakes to push me forward, and future potential pulling me to tomorrow. yet here I stand, once again, feeling alone.
I feel like between me and the rest of the world, there is a huge disconnect. I think different, I feel different, I do different things. I laugh different at different things. No one is secluding me, or leaving me out, or intentionally making me feel the space. It's just there. I'm better at reading books than taking to humans. I stutter through sentences, say "Merry Christmas" because I get nervous and I don't know or remember what else today. I don't know how to "Just grab some coffee" with them. I'm too excited. I'm not used to going out with 17 girls and laughing in Subway. I'm not used to having 17 girls talk to me, or pay attention to me in a positive way.
These girls, or just humans in general. They know how to act. They know how to drive in their cars with 6 other people, jamming out to music. My car stereo is broke and I drive alone. I don't get ready for dances with other girls. My mom gives me a hug and a kiss as I run out the door. I don't get ready for cheer with other girls. Again, a hug and a kiss and a "you look amazing" before I run out the door. At first it was kinda like "oh yeah, I got my own grind and I do my own thing and I work hard and all of that" but now I kinda just wish I had someone to go to Lagrande with and get Dutch Bros and take selfies and paint nails and laugh with.
I just don't know how.
Its nothing against anyone. Seriously. I love the people in my life. You guys are all amazing and I am honestly so blessed. I just wonder why I am so totally not the girl with a car full of excited teens, off on an adventure. My mom and I pretty much stick together. I know she wants me to go make friends and be a teenager and live life, and I want that too! I just. I guess I don't know how. I don't have secret handshakes. If I'm in a snapchat video, its usually a mean girl making fun of me. It feels like the universe creates a bubble around me. I see the world, I interact with the world. I am IN the world. I'm just not really a solid part. No one can really get to me, and I cant really get to them, and no matter how close we all get, there is still that glass bubble in between us. I don't know. Does that make sense?
I'm working hard to push through it. God blessed me in other ways. I get to travel the country. I have ambitions to travel around the world and help with disaster relief, and share the stories of the people, person to person. I feel like I never relax around people, and that's probably a huge part of it. I'm either intensely focused on a mission, or intensely focused on being *normal*, or intensely aware that I am, in fact, so NOT normal that I can't hide it and its probably best to just add some gusto to it and make sure people CAN'T get close because I won't let them.
And then I'm like "OMG that is totally part of this whole problem"
Duh.
I try really hard to keep people away, and maybe its because I know I don't know how to have a normal relationship. You know how in cheerleading, they tell the flyer not to wiggle around and flail her arms and such so she doesn't knock out a base? Yes, well in this scenario, I'm flailing to make sure no one can get close enough to me to help me.
As I'm writing this, I'm having Epiphanies. No joke.
I've still got my armor up! I won't let people in. I don't know how to act normal because I am so worried someone might dislike me, or worse, like me, that I won't take it down and it shows SO CLEARLY. Holy smokes. That all makes sense! Of course I feel alone. I am different. I'm really different. I'm different because I'm making the distance. Now how do I take it down? My best friend of seven years even notices my walls. The other day she told me "you never just relax around me. Its so weird. When you get in the car, I swear I can actually feel the tension."
I don't feel alone at Ruby Peak, the place I work. Leslie, my employer, and I crank the tunes and dance and sing and I get to help customers and joke and laugh and I am for reals, just Georgia when I'm in there. It's wonderful and liberating, and I think that its actually helping me grow. Its helping me learn to relax. I think we all need a space in our lives like that. I'm just me in Ruby Peak, and the customers love it, the FedEx and UPS guys love it, Leslie loves it. I love it.
So yeah. That doesn't change that I feel alone. That driving home alone, going to the store alone, leaving practice alone, getting ready for dances and cheer events alone, painting my nails alone, drinking coffee, taking selfies, hanging out at school.. still makes me hurt really deep inside. Heck. I'll admit it. I cry. I cry because I feel so alone.
I love my mom. I honestly have the most amazing bond with my mom on earth. She has been wiping the tears from my face, hugging me after a hard day, and loving me since I was born. Shes been the coffee date, the 'jamming in the car to loud music', the mani/pedis, the girls nights, the hype crew before dances and football games. Shes been my mom and my best friend all in one person, and I thank her for that. I think we all know that there is a difference between having your mom as a best friend, and having another kid as your best friend. I just need to learn how to have a best friend.
Most important, I need to learn how to be a best friend. To relax and become susceptible to real human relationship. I am a fun person. Yeah, I'm a little crazy and wild and I like laughing more than fighting and I'm sensitive, and I feel things really deeply, and I am a bit awkward, but I can dance like nobody's business. I tell hilarious jokes and I can probably sing all the songs in your entire music library. I don't think I'm that great at taking slefies because it often feels like there is no good angle. But I'm also willing to wurk it, regardless. I love country music. I know a lot about things like fashion and coffee and hashtags, but I'm also really empathetic and caring and I love physiology. I suck at running, but I do it anyways (lol sometimes). Most important though, I'm still growing and learning. And I totally understand that I will be, for the rest of my life. I'm also a great listener.
So tell me, who are you when your done being everyone else?
I feel like between me and the rest of the world, there is a huge disconnect. I think different, I feel different, I do different things. I laugh different at different things. No one is secluding me, or leaving me out, or intentionally making me feel the space. It's just there. I'm better at reading books than taking to humans. I stutter through sentences, say "Merry Christmas" because I get nervous and I don't know or remember what else today. I don't know how to "Just grab some coffee" with them. I'm too excited. I'm not used to going out with 17 girls and laughing in Subway. I'm not used to having 17 girls talk to me, or pay attention to me in a positive way.
These girls, or just humans in general. They know how to act. They know how to drive in their cars with 6 other people, jamming out to music. My car stereo is broke and I drive alone. I don't get ready for dances with other girls. My mom gives me a hug and a kiss as I run out the door. I don't get ready for cheer with other girls. Again, a hug and a kiss and a "you look amazing" before I run out the door. At first it was kinda like "oh yeah, I got my own grind and I do my own thing and I work hard and all of that" but now I kinda just wish I had someone to go to Lagrande with and get Dutch Bros and take selfies and paint nails and laugh with.
I just don't know how.
Its nothing against anyone. Seriously. I love the people in my life. You guys are all amazing and I am honestly so blessed. I just wonder why I am so totally not the girl with a car full of excited teens, off on an adventure. My mom and I pretty much stick together. I know she wants me to go make friends and be a teenager and live life, and I want that too! I just. I guess I don't know how. I don't have secret handshakes. If I'm in a snapchat video, its usually a mean girl making fun of me. It feels like the universe creates a bubble around me. I see the world, I interact with the world. I am IN the world. I'm just not really a solid part. No one can really get to me, and I cant really get to them, and no matter how close we all get, there is still that glass bubble in between us. I don't know. Does that make sense?
I'm working hard to push through it. God blessed me in other ways. I get to travel the country. I have ambitions to travel around the world and help with disaster relief, and share the stories of the people, person to person. I feel like I never relax around people, and that's probably a huge part of it. I'm either intensely focused on a mission, or intensely focused on being *normal*, or intensely aware that I am, in fact, so NOT normal that I can't hide it and its probably best to just add some gusto to it and make sure people CAN'T get close because I won't let them.
And then I'm like "OMG that is totally part of this whole problem"
Duh.
I try really hard to keep people away, and maybe its because I know I don't know how to have a normal relationship. You know how in cheerleading, they tell the flyer not to wiggle around and flail her arms and such so she doesn't knock out a base? Yes, well in this scenario, I'm flailing to make sure no one can get close enough to me to help me.
As I'm writing this, I'm having Epiphanies. No joke.
I've still got my armor up! I won't let people in. I don't know how to act normal because I am so worried someone might dislike me, or worse, like me, that I won't take it down and it shows SO CLEARLY. Holy smokes. That all makes sense! Of course I feel alone. I am different. I'm really different. I'm different because I'm making the distance. Now how do I take it down? My best friend of seven years even notices my walls. The other day she told me "you never just relax around me. Its so weird. When you get in the car, I swear I can actually feel the tension."
I don't feel alone at Ruby Peak, the place I work. Leslie, my employer, and I crank the tunes and dance and sing and I get to help customers and joke and laugh and I am for reals, just Georgia when I'm in there. It's wonderful and liberating, and I think that its actually helping me grow. Its helping me learn to relax. I think we all need a space in our lives like that. I'm just me in Ruby Peak, and the customers love it, the FedEx and UPS guys love it, Leslie loves it. I love it.
So yeah. That doesn't change that I feel alone. That driving home alone, going to the store alone, leaving practice alone, getting ready for dances and cheer events alone, painting my nails alone, drinking coffee, taking selfies, hanging out at school.. still makes me hurt really deep inside. Heck. I'll admit it. I cry. I cry because I feel so alone.
I love my mom. I honestly have the most amazing bond with my mom on earth. She has been wiping the tears from my face, hugging me after a hard day, and loving me since I was born. Shes been the coffee date, the 'jamming in the car to loud music', the mani/pedis, the girls nights, the hype crew before dances and football games. Shes been my mom and my best friend all in one person, and I thank her for that. I think we all know that there is a difference between having your mom as a best friend, and having another kid as your best friend. I just need to learn how to have a best friend.
Most important, I need to learn how to be a best friend. To relax and become susceptible to real human relationship. I am a fun person. Yeah, I'm a little crazy and wild and I like laughing more than fighting and I'm sensitive, and I feel things really deeply, and I am a bit awkward, but I can dance like nobody's business. I tell hilarious jokes and I can probably sing all the songs in your entire music library. I don't think I'm that great at taking slefies because it often feels like there is no good angle. But I'm also willing to wurk it, regardless. I love country music. I know a lot about things like fashion and coffee and hashtags, but I'm also really empathetic and caring and I love physiology. I suck at running, but I do it anyways (lol sometimes). Most important though, I'm still growing and learning. And I totally understand that I will be, for the rest of my life. I'm also a great listener.
So tell me, who are you when your done being everyone else?
Friday, November 10, 2017
Suicide
If you've been following my blog, you are aware of my struggles with bullying. If not, and the title of this blog caught your attention, you should probably go back and read my last blog post.
I'm coming to you with this because its something that's been on my mind for a bit now.
When I was a sophomore in High School, things were rough. I'd already survived 10 years of relentless cruelty. My grades were horrible. I felt like I was the issue in every situation. At home, at school, in my friend triangles. I felt like it was wrong of me to feel like that, and how dare I, even for a second, think about myself. Because it WAS my fault, weather I thought so or not and it was time for me to just get over it and do something for someone else because I mattered the least on the face of this earth.
I was fueled by anger. I was angry that my mom was always mad at me. Mad that I was never enough. I was mad that everything was my fault. Mad that I cared. Mad that things hurt me. Mad that I cried because I should be stronger than all of that. I'm better than that. I hated myself, I hated my family. I just hated. I sat in dark, angry hatred. I was SO MAD.
I wanted to be alone. Just give me an hour! But even when I was alone, I was haunted by my parents voices.
"Of course she didn't do the dishes. She's the only one she cares about"
"shes being a baby"
"shes depressed. She feels so sorry for herself"
But it wasn't their words. It wasn't really them haunting my brain. I was inside my head. I was trapped in a world of constant chaos.
I was being abandoned by my friends, my family, everyone. I can't even explain it. I was so alone. SO forsaken. I was rock bottom. I was lower than rock bottom. I was desperate. Trapped inside of myself, clawing at the walls of my body to escape.
Suicide.
That's it. That's how I would escape.
Well obviously, I didn't. But I battled with it. It was a crazy fight, and one I fought alone. I heard my fake parents leering at me in my head:
"Of course she committed suicide. Shes too lazy to do anything else"
"She just wants attention."
"She was always so extreme."
"Just another bad choice"
All it did was make me hate myself, for being so pathetic. And my real parents. Because in my head, they were horrible.
I fought against myself. Most of me hated God, too. How could He let me go 10 whole entire years of unfathomable emotional pain. How could He let me go so long, so alone? How could He let my sister leave? HMM? I wanted answers! I knew God was there, but I was angry at Him. What a traitor.
Yet another part of me was crying out "Georgia, you know this isn't you!"
I remember one night in particular. I was having a hard time. I wasn't helping out around the house. I pretty much had straight F's and i was trying to convince myself I didn't care. I got into a fight with my mom. I had been dishonest and betrayed her trust, and the worlds just exploded from me.
"MOM. YOU KNOW THIS IS NOT ME. I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG BUT YOU KNOW THIS ISN'T ME."
I was desperate for her to understand that there was someone else inside of me that was not supposed to be there. It's been a long process. I became less suicidal after weeks of talking to a therapist, which I was adamant about not needing at first, talking to my mom. I had no secrets. She saw my scars. I told her what was going on. I transferred schools. I had to let go of so much. I had been a rubber band, trying to hold too much together and I was fraying and breaking quickly.
I transferred schools and said goodbye to everything I had known middle of last year, when I started my blog. Well. Not quite last year. February of 2017. I no longer keep things from my mom. She knows everything. I talk to her. I let her know when I hurt. When things are wrong. Yeah, we get in some pretty monumental fights. Not everything is okay and good. I'm healing. I think we all are. We've all got out bumps and bruises from running around, screaming with our eyes closed.
Lesson is: Suicide is not the answer. Talk to someone. Talk to your mom or a trusted teacher. Talk to SOMEONE. Even if its just a friend. Be prepared. Things sometimes get worse before they get better. Be prepared to feel alone and hurt, even after you talk to someone, but know, you're not in this alone. You are going to change the entire world.
I started this blog as an outlet. My original plan was to have braid tutorials, nail polish idea, basic things. But this thing has turned into an outreach that I never expected to have. I'm amazed everyday at the people who's lives I've touched. At the lives I continue to touch. I'm in awe of the beauty that I have been able to turn my pain, my turmoil, my issues, into. I was Morticia's bouquet of flowers, but my buds are growing back (Adams Family reference). I am so excited to keep growing. I'm so excited to keep shining light.
Don't give up. You've got a light to shine, and I am so SO excited to watch you light up the world. There is hope, no matter who you are, where you are, where you've been, or where you're going.
Disclaimer: My parents have always been extremely supportive. The dialog I gave as examples were words formed in my own head during the rough time. My parents have never belittled me like that.
I'm coming to you with this because its something that's been on my mind for a bit now.
When I was a sophomore in High School, things were rough. I'd already survived 10 years of relentless cruelty. My grades were horrible. I felt like I was the issue in every situation. At home, at school, in my friend triangles. I felt like it was wrong of me to feel like that, and how dare I, even for a second, think about myself. Because it WAS my fault, weather I thought so or not and it was time for me to just get over it and do something for someone else because I mattered the least on the face of this earth.
I was fueled by anger. I was angry that my mom was always mad at me. Mad that I was never enough. I was mad that everything was my fault. Mad that I cared. Mad that things hurt me. Mad that I cried because I should be stronger than all of that. I'm better than that. I hated myself, I hated my family. I just hated. I sat in dark, angry hatred. I was SO MAD.
I wanted to be alone. Just give me an hour! But even when I was alone, I was haunted by my parents voices.
"Of course she didn't do the dishes. She's the only one she cares about"
"shes being a baby"
"shes depressed. She feels so sorry for herself"
But it wasn't their words. It wasn't really them haunting my brain. I was inside my head. I was trapped in a world of constant chaos.
I was being abandoned by my friends, my family, everyone. I can't even explain it. I was so alone. SO forsaken. I was rock bottom. I was lower than rock bottom. I was desperate. Trapped inside of myself, clawing at the walls of my body to escape.
Suicide.
That's it. That's how I would escape.
Well obviously, I didn't. But I battled with it. It was a crazy fight, and one I fought alone. I heard my fake parents leering at me in my head:
"Of course she committed suicide. Shes too lazy to do anything else"
"She just wants attention."
"She was always so extreme."
"Just another bad choice"
All it did was make me hate myself, for being so pathetic. And my real parents. Because in my head, they were horrible.
I fought against myself. Most of me hated God, too. How could He let me go 10 whole entire years of unfathomable emotional pain. How could He let me go so long, so alone? How could He let my sister leave? HMM? I wanted answers! I knew God was there, but I was angry at Him. What a traitor.
Yet another part of me was crying out "Georgia, you know this isn't you!"
I remember one night in particular. I was having a hard time. I wasn't helping out around the house. I pretty much had straight F's and i was trying to convince myself I didn't care. I got into a fight with my mom. I had been dishonest and betrayed her trust, and the worlds just exploded from me.
"MOM. YOU KNOW THIS IS NOT ME. I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG BUT YOU KNOW THIS ISN'T ME."
I was desperate for her to understand that there was someone else inside of me that was not supposed to be there. It's been a long process. I became less suicidal after weeks of talking to a therapist, which I was adamant about not needing at first, talking to my mom. I had no secrets. She saw my scars. I told her what was going on. I transferred schools. I had to let go of so much. I had been a rubber band, trying to hold too much together and I was fraying and breaking quickly.
I transferred schools and said goodbye to everything I had known middle of last year, when I started my blog. Well. Not quite last year. February of 2017. I no longer keep things from my mom. She knows everything. I talk to her. I let her know when I hurt. When things are wrong. Yeah, we get in some pretty monumental fights. Not everything is okay and good. I'm healing. I think we all are. We've all got out bumps and bruises from running around, screaming with our eyes closed.
Lesson is: Suicide is not the answer. Talk to someone. Talk to your mom or a trusted teacher. Talk to SOMEONE. Even if its just a friend. Be prepared. Things sometimes get worse before they get better. Be prepared to feel alone and hurt, even after you talk to someone, but know, you're not in this alone. You are going to change the entire world.
I started this blog as an outlet. My original plan was to have braid tutorials, nail polish idea, basic things. But this thing has turned into an outreach that I never expected to have. I'm amazed everyday at the people who's lives I've touched. At the lives I continue to touch. I'm in awe of the beauty that I have been able to turn my pain, my turmoil, my issues, into. I was Morticia's bouquet of flowers, but my buds are growing back (Adams Family reference). I am so excited to keep growing. I'm so excited to keep shining light.
Don't give up. You've got a light to shine, and I am so SO excited to watch you light up the world. There is hope, no matter who you are, where you are, where you've been, or where you're going.
Disclaimer: My parents have always been extremely supportive. The dialog I gave as examples were words formed in my own head during the rough time. My parents have never belittled me like that.
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