Will The Real Georgia Please Stand Up

I like reading. I pride myself on being able to read the entire Harry Potter series in a week. I love cuddling up with my mom to watch some lame show. I like letting the quiet settle around me like a warm blanket. I love cuddling with kittens and being intuitive and deep. I love big words and digging into the psychology of humans. I love having substance. I love being smart and thoughtful. I love having compassion and kindness. I love WANTING to do my chores. I love thinking about good things, and working hard and just letting my mind rest. I love that. I love listening to country music and driving slow. I love making my teachers and my parents proud. 

But I get caught up in being this other person, and I don't even know them, and to be frank, I hate them. This person is loud, shes SO spunky. Like, yes. I love my spunk. But this chick? WAY TOO MUCH. Shes bouncing on the walls. No deep thought, no room for quiet. She is chaos. I can list of tons of designer brands, I know about models and makeup and pop culture and I'm constantly going. I have humiliated myself in front of my teachers. Saying something so totally dumb. I get so caught up being this other person, that I completely forget who the heck I am. 

I take more time to take care of myself, than I do to take care of others. I get hurt when people point out flaws in a way to help me grow, not to insult. Its like I'm offended that someone could possibly be wanting to improve ME. 

I know this sounds crazy, but I seriously have no idea how to control when it happens. She sits in my mind and whispers mean things to me, and it makes me sad. Then, I wake up and I'm in a bad mood because I instantly hate myself for not meeting my own impossible expectations. Its horrible. And I get to school and to cover up the fact that I don't really like myself, I'm all bouncing off the walls, or I'm snappy... and my teachers see a side of me that I never wanted them to see. The people around me meet a me that is not ME. 

Then comes time to write an essay... and I want to prove that there is more to me. My teachers, parents, friends. They all talk about what a good writer I am, and I just put so much pressure on myself. Like, I feel like I should write something that the entire world is going to connect to and feel and understand. Something that is gonna change perspectives, bring the world to tears, and improve the lives of everyone. As a wonderful person told me once, not even Elvis made a #1 hit every time. Its such a struggle. Why am I trying to impress people still? Why can't I just settle into my beloved silence? Why do I feel such a need to be THE KID who will never ever let their guard down. The kid thats either ecstatic to be alive, or murdering people with a glare? 

HEY G. WHERE ARE YOU? 

To be honest, my makeup takes three minutes. All I know how to do is like, foundation, mascara, and blush. I can do my whole face in the time of one song. So why do I go to school and act like my face took 15 hours and a beauty squad. Obviously, I just look like me, because I do the same thing I do everyday. Why do I fill my life with appearance, rather than substance? I know who I really am. I'm sad though, because no one else does, and I'm making everyone else dislike me and my extremeness. I'm waiting. Searching for the real Georgia to please stand up. I am not a bad banana!!! I have Substance, I have character, deep thoughts, intellect, insight. I really did read the dictionary in the 5th grade, because I was proud of having a huge vocabulary (for a 5th grader...) 

So who are you? I mean, really. Listen to yourself, not the rest of the world, and just tell me. 

Who ARE you when your done being everyone else?