Alone

I am completely surrounded. I've got amazing, supportive friends on one side of me, and a beautiful, wonderful family on the other. I've got God in my heart, my past mistakes to push me forward, and future potential pulling me to tomorrow.  yet here I stand, once again, feeling alone. 

I feel like between me and the rest of the world, there is a huge disconnect. I think different, I feel different, I do different things. I laugh different at different things. No one is secluding me, or leaving me out, or intentionally making me feel the space. It's just there. I'm better at reading books than taking to humans. I stutter through sentences, say "Merry Christmas" because I get nervous and I don't know or remember what else today. I don't know how to "Just grab some coffee" with them. I'm too excited. I'm not used to going out with 17 girls and laughing in Subway. I'm not used to having 17 girls talk to me, or pay attention to me in a positive way. 

These girls, or just humans in general. They know how to act. They know how to drive in their cars with 6 other people, jamming out to music. My car stereo is broke and I drive alone. I don't get ready for dances with other girls. My mom gives me a hug and a kiss as I run out the door. I don't get ready for cheer with other girls. Again, a hug and a kiss and a "you look amazing" before I run out the door. At first it was kinda like "oh yeah, I got my own grind and I do my own thing and I work hard and all of that" but now I kinda just wish I had someone to go to Lagrande with and get Dutch Bros and take selfies and paint nails and laugh with. 

I just don't know how. 

Its nothing against anyone. Seriously. I love the people in my life. You guys are all amazing and I am honestly so blessed. I just wonder why I am so totally not the girl with a car full of excited teens, off on an adventure. My mom and I pretty much stick together. I know she wants me to go make friends and be a teenager and live life, and I want that too! I just. I guess I don't know how. I don't have secret handshakes. If I'm in a snapchat video, its usually a mean girl making fun of me. It feels like the universe creates a bubble around me. I see the world, I interact with the world. I am IN the world. I'm just not really a solid part. No one can really get to me, and I cant really get to them, and no matter how close we all get, there is still that glass bubble in between us. I don't know. Does that make sense? 

I'm working hard to push through it. God blessed me in other ways. I get to travel the country. I have ambitions to travel around the world and help with disaster relief, and share the stories of the people, person to person. I feel like I never relax around people, and that's probably a huge part of it. I'm either intensely focused on a mission, or intensely focused on being *normal*, or intensely aware that I am, in fact, so NOT normal that I can't hide it and its probably best to just add some gusto to it and make sure people CAN'T get close because I won't let them. 

And then I'm like "OMG that is totally part of this whole problem" 

Duh.

I try really hard to keep people away, and maybe its because I know I don't know how to have a normal relationship. You know how in cheerleading, they tell the flyer not to wiggle around and flail her arms and such so she doesn't knock out a base? Yes, well in this scenario, I'm flailing to make sure no one can get close enough to me to help me. 

As I'm writing this, I'm having Epiphanies. No joke.  

I've still got my armor up! I won't let people in. I don't know how to act normal because I am so worried someone might dislike me, or worse, like me, that I won't take it down and it shows SO CLEARLY. Holy smokes. That all makes sense! Of course I feel alone. I am different. I'm really different. I'm different because I'm making the distance. Now how do I take it down? My best friend of seven years even notices my walls. The other day she told me "you never just relax around me. Its so weird. When you get in the car, I swear I can actually feel the tension." 

I don't feel alone at Ruby Peak, the place I work. Leslie, my employer, and I crank the tunes and dance and sing and I get to help customers and joke and laugh and I am for reals, just Georgia when I'm in there. It's wonderful and liberating, and I think that its actually helping me grow. Its helping me learn to relax. I think we all need a space in our lives like that. I'm just me in Ruby Peak, and the customers love it, the FedEx and UPS guys love it, Leslie loves it. I love it. 

So yeah. That doesn't change that I feel alone. That driving home alone, going to the store alone, leaving practice alone, getting ready for dances and cheer events alone, painting my nails alone, drinking coffee, taking selfies, hanging out at school.. still makes me hurt really deep inside. Heck. I'll admit it. I cry. I cry because I feel so alone. 

I love my mom. I honestly have the most amazing bond with my mom on earth. She has been wiping the tears from my face, hugging me after a hard day, and loving me since I was born. Shes been the coffee date, the 'jamming in the car to loud music', the mani/pedis, the girls nights, the hype crew before dances and football games. Shes been my mom and my best friend all in one person, and I thank her for that. I think we all know that there is a difference between having your mom as a best friend, and having another kid as your best friend. I just need to learn how to have a best friend. 

Most important, I need to learn how to be a best friend. To relax and become susceptible to real human relationship. I am a fun person. Yeah, I'm a little crazy and wild and I like laughing more than fighting and I'm sensitive, and I feel things really deeply, and I am a bit awkward, but I can dance like nobody's business. I tell hilarious jokes and I can probably sing all the songs in your entire music library. I don't think I'm that great at taking slefies because it often feels like there is no good angle. But I'm also willing to wurk it, regardless. I love country music. I know a lot about things like fashion and coffee and hashtags, but I'm also really empathetic and caring and I love physiology.  I suck at running, but I do it anyways (lol sometimes). Most important though, I'm still growing and learning. And I totally understand that I will be, for the rest of my life. I'm also a great listener. 

So tell me, who are you when your done being everyone else?