Be assertive

I have struggled my whole life with being assertive. I am a welcome mat. I legit invite people to walk on me. Seriously. When I was in the 7th grade, I was a drummer for the high school band. I was in competition with three other boys. We were supposed to  share and trade days, but when my days came, I'd let them beat me into submission. 

Literally. 

They would leave welts on my skin with their drum sticks. Most days, I left with tears in my eyes. I felt discouraged, full of self doubt and hatred. Scared to say anything.

I'm the girl that actually feels BAD for standing up for themselves.  There was this girl who was extremely cruel to me. She had been pushy, intentionally seeking me out to make me feel bad. One day, I had had enough. I didn't say anything cruel or physically harm her, but I did not back down from what I wanted. I was given a place of power, and I didn't give it up to her. Well, later that night, she messaged me about how I had made her cry and about how she was having a hard time in school and I was just making everything harder for her. Instantly, I was in submission.

How could I be so cruel? I had had a hard time in school. I knew what that was like. I had cried myself to sleep so many nights. How dare I, who was given a chance to make a difference, resort to that? All I wanted to do was make it right. Help her somehow. Make her feel better. I felt horrible. 

That has been my entire life. People walk all over me, and if I stand up for myself, I feel like I'm becoming exactly like the mean kids that tormented me. 

I hate compliments. I feel unworthy. I'm just here for you. I don't deserve praise. If you need someone to rant on, yell at, be mean to, have power over. I'm here for that. Not to be complimented. 

Wait hold up. Do you guys see what I'm saying? I have an entire, logical, explanation for WHY I am below everyone else. Seriously.  I used to tell every new kid I met that they didn't want to be around me, because then they wouldn't have any friends either. I seriously just laid on the ground and let people kick me and walk on me and throw dirt on me. I inflicted abuse on myself. 

That was horrible. Like, what a bad choice. Of course, I did not know what I was doing. I never felt like I deserved respect. It was my job to respect others. I was simply a tool for others use. 

I'm still struggling. Horribly. I am headed into adulthood and I still don't know how to stand up for myself. I will be taking you on a journey with me as I figure myself out, draw my boundaries, and become more confident and sure of myself. I've admitted the issue, which is the first step to recovery, no? 

This will be a long, rigorous journey, seeing as I know nothing else. The first thing I'm doing is saying "thank you" to compliments instead of disproving compliments about myself instantly. I'm not perfect at it, because I've been doing it for so long. I've got this though. I can do it, I know I can.