comparison

I'm about to get really real and I have no idea how crazy I am going to sound


I compare! Ghaaaa I compare myself everywhere. Its a cruel addiction I've got myself hooked on. I'm not talking like "oh I have better shoes" or "wow shes so pretty and I'm just..." cause yeah I do that too, but I mean like.

I search people out. I intentionally find people that I know make me feel small, just by looking at them. I see so much of myself in them that I get scared. That I am devoured with insecurity. I debilitate myself in malls, convincing myself that every little glance is judgmental and hateful. I catch glimpses of my imperfect skin in mirrors or see the way my jeans fit. I see girls with their long glossy hair and perfectly manicured nails and eyebrows and I feel like I'm scum. Then I mentally promote it in myself.

Even if I walk into a building feeling really good about myself. It takes no time at all for me to feel like the little kid who was playing in her moms closet and makeup. To feel like the fat little ugly girl trying to be a cool girl.

I just really aggressively hate myself sometimes.

Yet, it goes deeper. Its not just about how I look. I'm not that self consumed. But then, maybe I am. which is bad and I shouldn't do that. Oh my gosh, what if I'm shallow? I can already hear people telling me that I am too self obsessed and that I shouldn't feel like everyone would give me that attention. How vain of me.  I'm repulsed at my self obsession. Wait, no. I'm mad. Why are you mad at me for having an insecurity? Do you think its my fault I became this? Not saying its your fault...

And it spirals. Deeper and deeper and deeper and it sits inside of me and insecurity and self doubt and all of these thoughts just plague me. Part of me feel like I am unworthy of standing in the presence of these people, and part of me is mad at myself for feeling like anyone cares, part of me is mad at the others for making me feel like that and yet another part of me is mad at the angry side because I'm just acting like a baby. My pants don't fit right. My body is disproportionate. Maybe if I lost 20 pounds. Why am I so disgusting.

People think I like shopping. I do not. Please. Don't make me go shopping. My mom shopped for me. Which she will deny. But I cried every time we went shopping. I'd be a brat over lunch because I had to go jean shopping earlier. I feel like even the girls heavier than me just, wear it better.

So why am I bringing this up now? Because I spent tonight harshly comparing myself to how similar I was to someone else and I let it destroy me while I smiled and said "no, nothing is wrong"

I know I am not the only one. This is unhealthy. This obsession with intentionally degrading myself to build others. These people don't even know me. They have never seen me and I will probably never see them again. Yet, in my head, I beat myself further and further into the ground. Its disgusting.

BUT THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. 

You are not stuck there. I am not stuck there. We are never trapped inside our own heads. Its time we ask for the keys back, and kick down the bars we made for ourselves. Its not easy for me to go into a mall. I don't even buy anything. I just walk around. Maybe go into the stores and look at clothes. Eventually, I will be brave enough to try them on. Do not let your fear own you. Do not let that ugly secret hide in the dark and devour you in silence. You are brave, you are good. There are a lot of things I have no talked about on this blog that I would like to talk about, I just don't know how to start the conversation. Maybe we just need to drop it in the water and let it go. Bring it to the light. Pain grows in darkness, making the darkness itself grow. Stop letting it grow.

Going to the mall is one small step. I am growing. I am becoming. I am fear conquering. I'm just some girl from a town in Oregon hardly anyone has heard of, but I have my own story and its pretty big. Come out of hiding, lets do this together.

 Lets smash our fears, one moment at a time.