Me, Myself, and HER

 I used to suffer from debilitating insecurity. Truly debilitating. I’d look in the mirror and just loath what I saw. Genuine, scary, hatred. I used to desperately want to be a boy. Truly. I’d spend my summers fantasizing about going back to school as a boy. The furthest thing from myself that I could possibly be. I remember days when I’d be sobbing with self hatred and my mom would help me re-do my makeup. She always made me feel better. 

I’d gob on tons of makeup. Lots of foundation, contour, blush. Anything to make me not look like me. Then I’d come out of the bathroom crying, telling her I didn’t want to go, and she’d gently wash my face off, put a little concealer over my blemishes, maybe some eyeshadow. A little mascara, and I’d feel better. I never really realized it, but it’s been a pattern in my life. Make drastic changes to my outward appearance, tell myself that I was somebody new, somebody better. I never really connected the dots and figured out that I was running away from myself because I just… well I hated me. My mom was always working to uncover me, though. 

Well my moms not here and I’m not one to break old habits so what do I do? Haha you guessed it. Pink hair. It never occurred to me though!!! It never occurred to my WHY I wanted to have “cool E-girl” hair. I dyed my hair just before I started my new job. Everybody loved the hair. It got lots and lots of compliments. My hair helped me fit in. Everybody gave me suggestions on what color to do next. I cycled though pink, a few shades of blue, then a few shades of purple, back to pink… it never felt RIGHT though. Just like how lots of eyeshadow never really felt right. 

Just after Billy left, I stepped up for a leadership position. I didn’t really know what it would require of me, I just knew I needed something to do and this would help me connect with Billy, even while he was away. Honestly, I spent a lot of time crying and frustrated with myself for stepping up to not just volunteer, but to be the president of the volunteers. I wasn’t big enough for this task. My husband is the lowest ranking, I’m the youngest, we’ve been in the military for the fewest years… it doesn’t make sense. Why would I be the one in charge? Then this little voice inside started telling me that those things didn’t matter. I stepped up when nobody else had and now I just needed to square my shoulders and get on with it. 

I literally have no idea where this voice is coming from. It’s not like me at all! But slowly, I started to see a change in myself. I looked around and noticed that I was getting $h1t DONE! I’m leading, and doing a great job. I’m killing it (in the best way) at work. I’m managing a household for two people, even though one of us is across the world. Learning to fix my car on my own, problem solving, talking myself out of anxiety attacks, insecurity, and fighting through depressive episodes. I’m used to leaning heavily on the people around me for support. Billy always makes me feel better when I’m anxious or fighting back depression and my momma builds my confidence when I feel insecure, but now I’m here, across the country and my mom can’t fix my makeup.

I am in no way rooting my own horn. I’m flabbergasted. I can’t believe that this person is a part of me. She exudes strength. There is a trend going around the internet that’s like “my 9 year old self would have a heart attack if she could see me now” but I’m dying of a heart attack right now, seeing myself in the mirror. I went back to my brown hair, and I’ve started just kinda… not wearing makeup. I mean literally I’m just walking around at work, in town, just happy with myself. Is this what normal people feel like? I’m giddy with excitement every time I get home and realize that I spent all day without makeup and felt fine. It’s blowing my mind that I’m not afraid that I’m not enough. Whispers aren’t making me think that I’m getting fired. 

I’m confused, but in the best way. I know that this strength is from God I’m just wondering where it came from? What inspired this. Is this what my mom has been seeing all along? Is this what my husband sees? I want to laugh with joy. I’ve been taking care of myself. It’s been easier to. I enjoy my skincare routine, and working out. I don’t  drink very much coffee, and I love a good glass of water. I’m eating mindfully and I don’t spiral into emotional eating (as easily lol. I have an empty container of ice cream in my trash currently laughing at me) 

I guess I’m asking if you’ve ever felt like I did. So full of self hatred, so out of place in your own body that you wanted to be somebody else… 

I still struggle with insecurity, the new me isn’t always big enough to change my negative thoughts, but it’s insanely empowering to look at myself, who I really am, and know that somewhere inside is somebody I admire. I hope someday my voice of self doubt goes away. 

Until then, I guess it’s just me, myself, and her. 

One Whole Year

 I can’t believe its been a year. A year of marriage, a year of living on the other side of the country… a full year. It’s so crazy to me that I am doing it. I have a little furnished home, I have a husband I cook for every night, I have meal plans and budgets and I have work friends and church friends, and I even have a handful of regulars at the coffee shop that all know at least a few of my crazy farm kid stories. 

A year ago, I loaded my life into a Uhaul, and drove away from everything I have ever know. I was excited, I finally, FINALLY got to spend more than two weeks with my best friend… I had the rest of our lives to look forward to. With a heart (and a uhaul) FULL of the love and support of the village that raised us, it was time to embark on the adventure of a lifetime - marriage. 

So, we didn’t get to spend a full year together in the same zip-code, or even the same time zone, but this whole year has been full of growth for me. I’ve learned that husbands need meals every night, and preferably also a lunch every day, I have learned that its worth losing sleep to wake up and make your husband lunch and see him off to work every day. I learned that finding a man that will cross state lines with you, in search of a cow, is  imperative. I have learned that being excited over new spatulas is perfectly acceptable. I’ve learned that teaching your husband to cook your breakfast is worth the struggle, and that sometimes, even grown men just need to be told how to turn off a light when they leave a room. 

But, I have also learned that I’m okay on my own, that building your own community is a must, that leadership is scary, but a good leader always has a great team of wise counsel. I have learned that calling your mom and talking on the phone for 4 hours is never the plan, but will inevitably happen. I’ve learned that friends come from unexpected places, that not everybody is against you, just because the little voice in your head says they are. I learned that spending a Saturday helping somebody makes you feel better than a Saturday spent eating cheesecake watching shows, and that relying on your husband to be everything for you, all the time, isn’t the healthiest thing for you, OR your husband. 

That last one was probably the hardest lesson for me to learn. I think I may have been slightly co-dependent  on him. He makes me feel so safe and secure… I never felt the need to look elsewhere for support. I actually thought that maybe it was bad to look for support elsewhere. Well, its not. I was putting a lot of pressure on Billy, and it was adding a lot of stress to our marriage. I didn’t have anything for myself, and (I hate to admit this, but I’m doing it for the blog) I actually felt a little resentment for the freedom he seemed to have. He never told me I couldn’t attend bible study, or that I couldn’t have friends (he encouraged it, actually) but I was sure that he was the only friend I needed. The only support system I needed. 

Well his phone broke right after he left for deployment, and I could rely on him no more. I wound up finding a bible study to attend and hopefully find some friends, to find the support that had just recently gone missing, but the strangest thing started to happen. I didn’t even see it happening until all of a sudden I looked up and I had a community. I wasn’t relying on one person. I wasn’t relying on one group, I had friends, and co-workers and I even had connections in the military community that wanted to support me. Jacksonville started to become home to me. Almost. 

Its only been a few months, but already I can see a garden of beauty growing around me. I have hobbies! I have a little garden, and houseplants! I’m cooking new meals, I’m experimenting with new foods and recipes! I go out with my friends, and I love to find hidden gems at thrift stores, and my husband never told me that I couldn’t do any of it. I really was just so worried about being his “perfect wife” that I completely neglected being a human outside of my husbands needs. 

Some of you may think this sounds crazy, and wildly unhealthy, and you’re right. The truth is, I didn’t even know what I was doing. I was so worried about making sure that Billy was never  uncomfortable , never had to do anything for himself, wanting to spend every moment possible with him, I completely forgot that  I could also have a life outside of the home.

It’s kinda scary for me to put myself out there like this, but I’m doing it because maybe there is somebody like me, who doesn’t even realize that she’s living for something else. I’m not saying I live for myself now, because I absolutely do not. I live for God, trying to glorify His name with every breath I take, but God didn’t creat us to be lonely creatures. He wants us to fellowship and make friends and enjoy the world He created for us! Life will always be like this. I will always wake up and realize that there are things I can change, but that’s part of the beauty of it all. 

I’ve learned that putting various wines in your pasta sauce is fun, and makes you feel more fancy. I’ve learned that sometimes, a good slice of cheesecake and some lounge clothes are the answer, but sometimes, getting dressed and going for a walk is also the answer. I’ve learned that thinking and planning fun surprises for your SO is extremely fun, especially when you’re bursting with excitement but you have to keep it a secret. I’ve learned that growing carrots in a field  behind your house tastes better than carrots grown in a planter box, but both are equally satisfying. I’ve learned that you can’t judge somebody by the rig they drive, no matter how bad you want to (some of them make it toooooo easy), but most importantly, I’ve learned that house plants need sunlight and water, and that depriving them of either will kill them, just like depriving humans of sunlight and water will do the same. 

What a year. What more is there to say? 

Jigsaw puzzle Pt. 2

I've been feeling scattered lately. Torn between two homes, confused about my job, and wondering if I even have a place in Jacksonville. Its so big, there are so many people, and even though I have been here for a year, I still cant find familiar faces. Its like the page refreshes every day and brings new people, and I can never find consistency. Its really easy to feel like you don't belong anywhere when you're busted into tiny fragments and scattered around the world. 

Then, a comment was made. Not a comment that was said to hurt me, but it hurt none the less. I realized how little the people I spend the most time with, knew me! Instantly, rage bubbled up inside of me. I have spent so much time trying to get to know the people around me and they don't know anything about me, until I realized that I wasn't allowing them to get to know me. I had given them a very small part of me that they were allowed to know, and sadly, it was my least favorite part of me. 

 I got all stuck in my head, and just started swirling around feelings of acceptance and frustration and self doubt. Why couldn't I just open up and let people get to know me, the real me, and not just the little piece of me I decided that they owned. 

That's when I came across the first blog I ever wrote. It was about how I felt like I was little pieces of everything I loved, instead of everything I loved, being little pieces of me. It is so funny to me how 16 year old Georgia wrote something, and it wound up being exactly what 22 year old Georgia needed to here. 

The truth is, if you want to know me, you’ve got to know that I feel more comfy in a field of mud than I do on paved streets, but that doesn’t mean I  don’t feel comfortable in the heart of the city. It just means that I was raised working hard, proud of the blisters on my hands, going hunting in my silver Doc martins, riding bourses bareback, getting my new boots dirty before anybody saw them, and wearing high heels on Wednesday nights. 

I shoveled poop, drove a tractor in the hottest sun, and in the snowiest winters. I was a Court Queen, but I was rarely clean and I was proud to be the hardest worker in the room. 

My dad taught me how to hunt, my mom taught me how to cook it. 

I rocked out on a drum set to warm up after a cold day of work and I learned how to drive a tractor before I learned how to drive a car. Honestly, I was scared of a lot of things like cows, and driving a tractor, but I still did it. It’s a part of who I am. I may not have had a bunch of friends to run with, but I had acres and acres of open space all to myself. My brother was my best friend 

I can’t remember the last time I was this proud to be myself. I’ve felt so torn to pieces, like little bits of me had come off with every state I traveled through to get here, but I’m finally remembering what 16 year old Georgia already knew. It’s all a part of ME. 

Yet, in order for me to feel truly at home here, I needed to understand and accept that Jacksonville was also a part of me. I need to dig in and plant my roots here and allow this soil to become a part of my growing process. Temporary or not, this is my new hometown. I love having sandy feet, salty hair, and sun-kissed skin. I am building my very own community, all on my own! My shoes are now clean (unless I'm at work) and I strive to keep them that way, and I don't think I have had a drop of mud on me in a year! I'm learning that you'll never have a better taco than the one you get during Happy Hour at Taco Lu, Mikes Lemonade will ALWAYS taste better if its at least 80 degrees outside, and you can always find cows just outside the city limits. 

I hope I can relax and be ALL that I am instead of just a tiny bit of who I am. God gave me every experience I have ever had, and trying to tare myself to pieces and file myself into categories is so silly. God made me to be a whole entire person, with flaws and random little bursts of color. This blog post was random and maybe useless, and my sole purpose for writing it was so that I could see my thoughts in front of me, and maybe finally sew myself back together bit by bit. I am proud to be me! I'm proud of my "yee-haw" up-bringing (not my word for it, but a co-workers), proud of my strength, and the silly stories I have, no matter how red neck they make me sound. 

I’m a little Wallowa County, I’m a little Duval. I love country music, and I love rock and even funky alternative that Wallowa County just isn’t ready for. And you know what? I am dang proud of that. 

Just Keep Walking

 It was June 9th, 2018.

Rain was sprinkling outside, the giant windows in Billy's living room were covered, I was snuggled up under his arm, probably watching football, but I can't remember that part.  I was in Spokane for his graduation that had happened the day before. He asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, and of course I said yes. I can remember his mom being so upset because it was raining and I didn't have a jacket. 

As we walked along this trail behind his house, arm in arm, he started to tell me all the things he loved about me, and all the reasons he was so in love with me. Eventually, we came to a little clearing that was lit up by some Christmas lights hanging on a neighboring fence. It was more romantic than anything Hallmark could depict. He explained to me that he wanted to make up for the fact that neither of us had been able to go to prom together and we danced right there, in the rain. On the last twirl, I came around to face him and he was on one knee, holding a ring he had fashioned out of a pine needle. 

That was the day Billy Wisor asked me to wear his promise ring. It was one of the best and most perfect moments of my life.

That's what I think about every time it rains. 

Its been about a month since my last blog post. My "rainy day" turned into a rainy month, and I just couldn't find the strength (or time) to write. Luckily, the storm broke and the sun peeked through the clouds of my mind, and I am feeling much better this week. I feel like I am finally getting my sea legs. I have started cooking real meals for myself, and not just making popcorn or some other random snack I found lurking in the cupboards. 

Today, its rainy. Drizzly, really. Just like it was on June 8th. My lovely husband probably doesn't even remember that day, but how could I forget? 

Its insane to me how time passes. This past month has been packed full of lessons, things I could have written blogs about, and busy work. Pretty much every day of the last month, I have been so frustrated with myself for being down. It felt like a curse to have the wisdom that I do! How could I sit here and feel sorry for myself when I knew that this was temporary. How could I be stuck in my rut when I knew all the things to do to get myself out. How could I waist time, worry my family, and make my job harder on myself when I knew that it was all a part of God's plan and he was going to use it for good! How dare I! 

How on earth could I possibly write a blog about healing and being optimistic and seeing the sunshine in life's storm clouds, when I, myself, was currently a storm cloud!?  It just became this awful swirling tornado of pessimism and self doubt and I definitely went to some pretty dark places that I was not expecting to get dragged into. I mean REALLY ugly places (mentally). 

Yet here I sit today, a dopey grin in my face, twirling the little bronze ring Billy and I picked out together at Earth Bound in the Spokane mall shortly after he got down on one knee with that pine needle. I don't know about you guys, but for me, that puts a lot into perspective. 

Psalm 23:4 (NIV)" Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me..."

What stands out to me most there is the "walk" part. So often, I find myself huddled up, holding myself tightly with my eyes closed and my head down, sitting still when it comes to scary changes. Doubt enters my mind and I stop walking. I am not as much of a "flight" or "fight" person as I am a "freeze in your tracks" person. I like to shut down when things get rough. I'm pretty sure I shut down last month. I don't really remember much of it, just the pain and self doubt I was going through. 

Then, maybe a week ago, I got tired of feeling dirty, of sitting in my feelings and not making any progress. Usually when I feel that way, I just stand up and completely change directions. Maybe I dye my hair. Maybe I do a facemask, maybe I slap a Band-Aid on that pain and walk away like its not real, but this time, I looked up and I just kept moving. 

I cleaned my house, I cooked myself a meal, I prayed with my heart more than just my mouth, and just kept moving. I walked through that valley, I looked at the walls, dripping with self-doubt and insecurity, and I just kept walking. I'm still walking, but I'm feeling way better than I ever do when I just get tired of being frozen and start running away. I know this walk is far from over, but today I have the rain, the reminder that beautiful moments come when we least expect it. 

I know I do not have all the answers. In fact, I feel like I have the least answers. I'm hardly 22, what could I possibly have to offer that someone else hasn't already? I don't want anyone to read my blog and say "well she just thinks she's so great" because I really don't, I'm just sharing what I have learned, and what I have experienced. At the end of the day, what else would any of us have to offer? 

So in my humble experience, just keep walking. God has already been here, He already knows. He knew you were going to be here before you were even a twinkle in your mothers eye and He has used this for good! There is nothing you can do to mess up what He has already planned, because He knows every step you take, before you take it! 

There is nothing in this world that is permanent. Not one single thing. Rest assured that this too, shall pass. Every day is new, and beauty is always there if we are looking! <3 

Rainy Day

 I only blog when I'm feeling good, I'm happy, and everything makes sense and I feel fulfilled. Today, I am changing that. 

Today, I am tired. My insecurity has gotten the best of me, and Billy's absence feels like an elephant on my chest. No sunshine is radiating from my eyes, and I just want to curl up and be alone. 

I never share my bad days because I feel like I have built this personality online that is so hopeful and joyous, but recently, I've been feeling like maybe a little real time vulnerability might not be the worst thing. I don't want to be misleading, and have it look like I really have life figured out, or that its easy for me to go through big things in life just because I try to meet every situation with a fresh glass of optimism. 

The truth is, I do know that the way I feel right now is temporary, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Deployments are really hard for a number of reasons. Today, I just wish my best friend was here to talk to. You'd think that after 4 years of not knowing when we would get to see each other, or if we'd get to see each other, or how long we'd even get to be together, would have made me a little stronger by now. Yet, here I am. No matter what music I listen to, what food I eat, or what other things I do to distract myself, there is still a silence that hangs in the air. 

I used to get really mad at myself for missing Billy. This was my job, this was my LIFE. I needed to get used to being alone, or my life would suck. I couldn't be a baby. Even the Facebook pages I followed told me that I needed to be strong. I couldn't be weak, my husband and my family was relying on me. He needed me to be okay, no tears, just capable of doing this all by myself. Typically, being "strong" just lead to me having a massive meltdown. I used to greet loneliness and the quiet hurt of distance, like it was a terrorist. In true Georgia fashion, I'd put on some Rock N' Roll and bulldoze that depression right under a very thin and worn carpet. 

Today, I put on my sweatpants, I listened to some quiet music, and I met that silence like an old friend that I'd been expecting. The truth is, I had been expecting it. I know that even the strongest of wives get sad when their husband leaves, even if its just for a couple of nights. I did my prep work. There is no cleaning for me today, no cooking even. Just relaxing with hot coffee, sunshine, and relaxed vibes. I'd rather allow myself to hurt and treat it as a selfcare day, than to try to blast away the pain with loud distractions, pushing the tears away to be stored up for an unpredictable moment of explosion that seemingly comes out of nowhere. I wish I was this smart, even just a year ago. 

I think strength is knowing when you need a break to just break. Its knowing when to stop scrolling on social media, when to take your makeup off, and just exist in the moment you're in. Tomorrow, I know I will be back to firing on all cylinders, but for now, I'm just curled up in this blanket, missing my other half more than anything in the world. 

I'm not always happy, or excited, or even optimistic. I forget that the way I feel is temporary. I get lost in my thoughts and my sorrow. I eat food I know I shouldn't, and sometimes, I even leave the dishes in the sink (but I never skip making my bed. Ever). I'm learning that its okay to not be okay. I'm also learning that it is okay to be okay. Sometimes, it feels like people expect me to be more upset, more of a mess than I am. They feel like if I'm not upset, then maybe I don't miss him. 

The real truth is that I always miss him. Even on the best day that I have during this deployment, I will still be missing him. He's my best friend, the one I want to share my life with. So whether I am smiling, or crying, I miss him. I preach healing, and being a little sad is a part of that healing. So if you're anything like me, stop telling yourself that you're made out of the strongest metal on earth, and allow yourself to be quiet inside, turn off your phone, turn off the TV, maybe read a book, or paint, or go for a walk and listen to the sounds of nature. Keep hope in your heart though, because no matter how bad this seems, not matter how permanent this feels, its temporary, you will get through it, and everything will be okay. 

I know there's a brighter day, but its not today, and that is alright with me.

Life Itself

 Billy is safely in Japan, and I am standing on the edge of summer. 

I was told once that I am really good at being alone, but that was back during a time when  I truly wasn't really ever alone. I always had somebody. My dad was a phone call away. Heck, anybody was a phone call away. But now, I'm standing here on the edge of summer, truly on my own for the first time in my life.

3,000 miles from everything I have ever known, my husband and I planted our roots in the ground. That was almost a full year ago. Standing here right now, I honestly can't believe that its happening. That I am here. I am a little afraid, but wildly excited to see what this summer has in store for me, to see who I become. I know this may seem silly, but I imagine myself as a fresh baby cow. I need to learn to stand for survival, but the first few steps are wobbly and scared. I feel like I am just now getting confident on my feet, and it is such a great feeling to be able to look at myself and think "holy crap I am doing it".

Its such a crazy thing to go from being a kid living in your old bedroom, to being less of a kid, living in your own home with your own husband that you cook dinner for, and shop for... Like, I'm a whole wife! I hope that my family back home is proud of me, proud of us. Marriage has been the biggest blessing to ever come into my life. I have learned more about myself, grown into a person that I am proud to be, and I've gotten to do it along side my best friend. He's my safe space, and even though I am not as strong, and my ninja skills are lacking, I think I'm his safe space too.  

In other news, Florida's three months of winter have passed, our week of spring is gone, and winter coats have been traded for tank tops and shorts (yes, it really gets cold enough here for a winter coat) Slowly, vacationers roll in like sleepy bears after a long winter. Every day, a few more come in to the coffee shop, reminding me that soon this little world I've become a part of, will turn into a wild rush of voices and colors and summer. 

In the last four months, it feels like everything has been shaken so hard that it all fell into place. I got a job at an incredible coffee shop, and it gets better every day. Billy and I planted a little garden in a planter box on our patio area, and we dove headfirst into our first deployment as a married couple living together. It was hard at first. There was a sudden burst of adventures and dinner dates and so much busy excitement and eagerness to spend time together after he got back from Iceland, and then even more so when we realized we only had a short time until he left for his real deployment, and then all of a sudden, there was silence. No hustle to make his lunch before we both had to leave for work. No chaotic house cleaning in the hour between when I got home and he got home. Just me, in my little apartment. 

HOWEVER, I am so blessed to have incredible friends I have met through work, and a spirit of excitement about this whole thing. I am standing on the edge of summer. MY summer. This last year has brought a lot of growth and a lot of healing. I realize that I haven't made an update on my "Unfiltered" series, I've just been so busy with life that I haven't really had time to think about it, or even write it down. I had a lot of goals for this year, and I can't wait to share the journey and the lessons with you. I'm back to reading books, painting, writing, all the things I love and chose not to have time for. 

I know that youth, and this feeling of freedom won't last forever. I also know that the hurt of my best friend missing some of it is temporary. I know the sun will set on my Florida summer and the bite of cold that Fall brings will also deliver my husband back into my arms, but as I have said in my past blogs, I can't just sit and wait for him to get home. 

Its seltzer season baby! That means suntans, sunshine, and sandy feet! Cowabunga, my dudes! 

Small Perfect Moments

 I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for my life to get started.

Can anybody else relate? 

I was waiting to get out of school so I could become an independent woman and go to college. Then, I was waiting for my boyfriend to propose so I could plan our wedding. Then, I was waiting on the military to give us a date so I could figure my life out. Then I was waiting to get life sorted before I got a job so I could feel like I was a part of the team.... 

Waiting, and waiting, and waiting. 

I almost feel like I was so consumed with waiting, that I completely missed everything else. I felt so stuck... 

Until one day, just a short while ago, I woke up and felt like I had arrived. I don't know what happened, or what changed. I just felt home. I looked around and I realized that all of the things I had been waiting for, praying for, and dreaming of, had all come true and I was sitting in the sweetest spot known to man. I felt so overwhelmingly thankful and blessed. What a great God I serve!! 

Do you ever think about where you are in life, and the map of tiny perfect moments that happened perfectly to get you where you are?  I do. The other day I was thinking about how I met my husband. 

When I was 7 or 8, my parents had just moved us into a new house on a big plot of land. Our closest neighbors were a really nice older couple that lived a half a mile off the road from us. A short while after that, their grandkids came to visit, from Russia! That is where I met my long time friend, Rachel. Eventually, Rachels family decided to move to America to be closer to her grandparents. They chose a small town outside of Spokane. That is where she wound up going to school with a boy named Billy Wisor. 

How insane is it that all of those things happened so perfectly. If my parents had waited to move in, if Rachels parents found a better home, somewhere else. The smallest, most fragile detail could have changed, but that's not how God wrote the story!  

I had waited so long to find a life long friend, and God delivered two! One was just a little belated. Thank goodness though, because if my husband had met me in Junior High, I think he would have thought I was too crazy to touch. 

I know this all seems a little scattered, but I promise I have a point. 

God fills our lives with a map of tiny, perfect moments. He 100% has a plan for our lives, and I didn't grasp that until the other morning when I woke up, and I realized that I had reached all the goals I've been longing for. You have to understand though, I was feeling so lost and pointless. Like, I had lived my whole life, I had put in the hours I needed to, and I didn't feel like I was home. I felt like I had done all of the right things, listened to God, and followed His will, so why was I still feeling so low and hopeless? 

I was waiting.

 I thought that there would be a notification system that somehow alerted me when I had reached my goal, so I could celebrate it. That sort of feels like missing the point though, right? You don't know joy until you feel sorrow, its all about the journey... bla bla bla. Having an angel tap on your shoulder and whisper "you've arrived! You can relax and celebrate now" feels like driving like a crazy person with a blindfold on, and then your GPS letting you know that you arrived safely. 

So I just kept waiting, waiting to feel like I had "arrived" to my life. "Things are perfect now, I can wake up and start living." Waiting left me resentful, left me feeling out of control and sad, it left me feeling alone. How disrespectful that my boyfriend didn't know I was waiting on him. How disrespectful that the military didn't know I was waiting on them. How disrespectful that that job didn't know I was waiting on them. Nobody respects me or my time. Nobody cares about me or my time...

Yet in all of those periods of waiting, I had arrived at each goal I had hoped for. I was in college! I was engaged! I had gotten the truck of my dreams! I was married! I lived 15 minutes from the beach. I was taking all of those things for granted, a passive "thanks God" and on to praying for a new level to unlock. 

Its all of those small, perfectly placed, seemingly innocent moments, like meeting your best friend, that make life so flavorful and delightful. I'm just so glad that I realized that! I'm excited for the day my husband comes home from deployment, but I am not waiting. I am excited for the day that I have my very own mini versions of my husband and I, but I am not miserably waiting. 

Now, that's not to say that I will never go through a crappy season again. Another season of anxious waiting, of fear, or pain... I am saying that my whole life wont be devoted to those things, like it has been in the past. Sometimes, its in the painful moments that the tiny perfect ones show up, like a flower poking out of the pavement on the road. I want to better appreciate where I am in life, as opposed to pushing it all aside and asking "okay what's next" 

This is exactly where I wanted to be, and I don't want to miss what the Lord has for me. So I am going to celebrate today, and tomorrow, and all the days ahead of me. I will work in excited anticipation for the future, but I am done waiting, missing out of all of my small, perfect moments <3 

Imagine Bullying a Child.

 The administration at my school was full of cowards. 

Truly spineless, selfish, cowards. 

That being said, not everybody in my school district were like that. A handful (literally I can only think of maybe 5 teachers) were incredibly supportive and kind. I really believe that they are the golden standard of what teachers should be. What all school administrators should be. 

Sadly, most of my school was crooked, and easily influenced. 

When I was in the second grade, a boy put his hand down the back of my pants at lunch. The lunch lady saw it, I got publicly humiliated by her bird-like cawing at the top of her lungs about it, and then parents were called. Guess who got in trouble for it? Me. Did I have any idea what was happening when it happened? No, but hey, the other kid couldn't get in trouble and I was already labeled a "bad kid" so why not blame this on me. 

Flash forward years, it doesn't matter how many because it was every day of every year, this kid is still harassing anybody he wants and not getting in trouble for it.  One of my readers (and friend) wrote me after she read my last blog, saying that he tormented her to the point where she was dressing in long sleeve, heavy clothes so he couldn't make fun of her body. She was tormented to the point where she was dressing, physically uncomfortably to avoid being harassed by this kid. She told me that she too had reported it, only to be informed that making this kid face consequences, or the school upholding their "no tolerance" policy, would result in the school being sued. 

Why? Because this kid was the only ethnically diverse kid in our school, and the mom had come into the office and informed our principle, and I'm sure the rest of the office, that if her kid got in trouble, it would be racist. This boy got away with everything and anything. He even left welts on my arms, in front of a teacher, and I got yelled at. Does that sound like a "zero tolerance" policy to you? How would you feel if it was your kid being tortured by this one student, that the school WOULDN'T touch, because they were more worried for themselves than they were for taking care of their students. 

Moving along, lets talk about the administration pushing kids out of the way so that their choice of kids can excel, and the other kids can struggle and drown. There was a teacher that I had that routinely lost kids papers, and would just give kids the grade she figured they would earn. There were many rumors about this particular teacher, but it was pretty much a fact that she lost students papers frequently. Imagine being the kid who had a bad streak in her class, and then you studied really hard for a test or whatever, and she lost it. So she looked at your past grades and gave you an F, but your classmate whos paper she also lost, just so happens to be another teachers kid so she gets an A, even if she totally tanked the test, or didn't even turn it in and this teacher just assumed she lost it. hmm.

I don't feel very encouraged to try my best. Would you? It felt like the school was actively working against me. Like running on a treadmill when I thought I was running on pavement. I could try as hard as I wanted, but I really wasn't going anywhere. 

Another example of my school pushing kids out of the way so somebody else can shine, this story also came from a reader. We will refer to her as Mary.

Our state has a huge sports opportunity, at the end of the basketball season, the best players in the state are selected to be on an "All Stars" team. They spend a weekend playing basketball games, in front of a bunch of college recruits. The state pics the players based on their stats from the season, as well as grades and school accolades. Well Mary won that opportunity, but her coach decided not to tell her until it was over, because the coach wanted another girl to go, we can call this girl Ann, and she didn't get it. So to avoid the coach getting in trouble by Ann's mom, he just decided to let Mary miss out on this huge scholarship opportunity so there would be "no hard feelings" 

Imagine being the parent of Mary. Your kid works so hard all year, getting great grades (Mary was also supposed to be the valedictorian, but once again, Ann's parents got involved so my school had four, or five valedictorians) working her butt off in basketball, and the coach decides for your kid that they don't get to go, because Ann's mom works for the school and Ann shouldn't have to miss out on this opportunity while your Mary get to reap the benefits of her hard work. 

I'm getting upset even just writing about it! Once again I ask, when will this be too much? When will we, as parents, as students, as co-workers, when will we make this stop?? Its truly up to us! Our kids deserve better! 

According to the US National Library of Medicine,  20% of high school students are reporting that they are depressed, and 30%-50% of depression cases go undiagnosed. The numbers climb yearly. What are we ACTUALLY doing about it?? Will we continue to let spineless cowards who bend to the will of selfish parents, be the ones in charge of our children's education? 

My last blog post got a reaction I was not expecting, at all. Even today I was receiving feedback, and its a week later! I really quick just wanted to say thank you! Some of you came forward with your own experiences, even from the same school I go to. I encourage all of you to not let your story go unheard. There is a serious problem in schools. We the people have to be the ones to address it. We employ the teachers, we get a say in what they teach our students, and how they treat our kids. Schools run on tax-payers dollars, its time to stop letting the tail wag the dog. 

UNFILTERED.

So I was going to write a mini blog series about all the things I went through in school. I was going to tell you all about the abuse and neglect I received not only from my peers, but from my advisors as well. However, I have decided not to release that series. Maybe ever, maybe I will someday. I was thinking about it, and why I wanted to post my story, and  I realized that the details weren't really relevant. It's WHY that is relevant.

 I started my blog because I felt like I had no voice. I felt incredibly small, and my blog was a way for me to put my voice out there. It was pretty much no risk, because my mom and a few of her friends are really the only ones that ever read it.

 Today, I am hoping that will change. I feel like for the first time, I am addressing you as a woman, not just a little girl who's trying to get her voice out there. I had it rough in school, but I am not alone. I felt like in my mini series, I sounded so weak, scared, and hopeless. The truth is, that is exactly how I felt while writing it. I have a strong message to convey though, and I do not want to stutter in my delivery. I am sick and tired of seeing these heartbreaking stories on the news about suicide, and everybody looking around wondering why. I'm tired of hearing about violence's at school and everybody blaming the weapon. There is a serious lack of accountability in our school systems today.

 I was harassed daily. I was tortured. My grades were awful. Teachers saw it. I asked for help. I wrote letters, desperate for somebody to hear my plea. Yet all my attempts to get my head above water were ignored, or worse. I was blamed. I had a label that read "problem student" in big fat letters, stamped all over my body. If something happened to me, it had to have been my fault. I asked for it. Do those words sound familiar to you? She asked for it. Hmmm. 

My story is old news, but there are thousands and thousands of stories similar to mine that are occurring right now. Bullying doesn't even feel like an appropriate word to use to describe what is going on. Bullying feels like such a childish word. This is mental torture, isolation, harassment, abuse. It was a phycological war of terror and I was just out there, trying to survive.  What are our schools doing to stop it? They claim to have a "zero tolerance" policy, yet they still pick favorites?

 I did what they told me to. They said to report things when kids get hurt, so I reported when things got bad and I got hurt, yet somehow the story was twisted and I was the one inflicting the pain. They said "shake your arms and say 'stop bullying me'" and all it did was attract more bullies. So tell me, schools. What ARE you doing? When kids report sexual harassment, when kids are dragged into your office almost DAILY, being accused of something. What are you doing about it? The school system I was in told me to sit down and shut up. Those are our star athletes you're accusing. Even the teachers were in on it. Even the adults in my life were fine with attacking and bullying a little kid! A bunch of this stuff happened to me when I was 8! But you can't fire a teacher who has tenure, right? Even for the mental safety of your students. 

What do you do when a kid doesn't feel safe at your school, so they get bad grades, and their GPA brings down your school's overall GPA. Oh, that kid makes you look bad. Right? So you have to banish them to a school you have been threatening them with for years. That is correct, folks. Threatening. I was told that if I went to this school, I would need the protection of the main teacher. That I wouldn't be able to get a job, that my diploma wouldn't be the same as the other kids, and that I could never go to college. Maybe you're thinking "wow I would have gotten my act together if I was threatened with that" and the truth is, I tried. I was so mentally exhausted. There was nothing left in me by the time I got home at the end of the day. I would try so hard to do my homework, to read my books, to study and do well on tests. Big shocker, I was so distracted by the race to stay alive, that I hardly had time to do homework. 

No, I wasn't scared that anybody at the school was going to kill me, except me. I know I am not alone. I hear about kids who take their lives, and my heart just breaks because I can imagine how they felt. Yet, everybody is looking around and wondering "how could this happen, why did this happen" and then maybe they hold a school assembly and build a little shrine for that kid, ignoring the blood on their own hands. Nobody sees a gun and just thinks "oh I am gonna shoot up the school today" They are pushed there. Nobody wakes up and thinks "wow. My life is so worthless it would actually be more beneficial if I was dead" our bodies have a program in them. It's against our nature to take our own lives. You have to really be feeling that with conviction. 

I wonder where those kids got the conviction. Something to think about.