Mother’s Day

 Happy Mother’s Day! 

Wow, two blogs in one week. I’m on a roll! 

Mother’s Day… wow. My first Mother’s Day. In the last year, I have thought about being a mom, a LOT. I’m so lucky to have had such a good role model, not many have that. 

As a lot of you know, my mom and dad came down in January to help me with my new home, and eventually, my new baby. Both of my parents did a ton for me, but this post is about Mother’s Day so 🤷🏽‍♀️ 

My mom tucked me in to bed every night until I went into labor. We’d talk for hours about life, God, motherhood, labor… she made sure I was comfy, and then she would go to her own room. Every morning, she made me breakfast and coffee and helped me get ready for work… and when I finally went into labor, she stayed awake beside me for the whole 34 hours. She stayed beside me in the delivery room when I said things I’m not proud of, she encouraged me when I was feeling down about how long labor was taking, and she made sure I stuck to my guns when all I wanted to do was quit (fun fact, you can’t “quit” labor) 

Then my mom stayed up at night to help me take care of Delilah. She held her so I could take showers, eat hot meals, and sleep. Then, she thanked ME! I thank God a lot that He allowed  me to be at peace with who I am before I got pregnant, but now I thank Him for the example of motherhood I have, and pray that He gives me what I need to be at least half of what my mom has been for me. 

If you’ve read my blog for a while, you know that my mom has not had an easy job, raising me. Countless hours in principals offices, thousands of tears wiped from my eyes, a fighter in my corner when I’d given up, a confidante when I trusted no one, and a best friend when everyone else had walked away. To me, my mom was always just my mom, but now that I have Delilah, the thought of watching her go through what I went through, rips me apart. Yet, my mom was strong enough to stand next to me. To stand in front of me and catch bullets. 

How did she not just fold? Give up? Cry on the floor in defeat, with me? She taught me what it means to be a woman. She showed me how to make meatballs, fight for myself, be a wife, and love the Lord. My mom showed me the greatest music ever created, taught me to laugh over bad situations, and truly, she showed me the joy of life. 

Not everybody gets to have a mom like mine. The Lord smiled on my face the day He wrote that my mom would be MY mom. The Lord knew I needed more than what most kids got. I pray my daughter doesn’t experience the same hardships that I did, but I pray that no matter what she goes through, I can be for her what my mom has been for me. 

Now, I’m going to go enjoy the breakfast my hubby made for me, give my daughter extra snuggles, and call my mom to thank her. 

Butterfly

 The world around me is shifting and growing so magically, I can’t even imagine how it looks for Delilah. 

I’m sitting in my Florida room, light streaming in through the windows, Delilah enchanted by the shadows. I’m supposed to be working on my CDA but I’m caught up in emotion, watching my life change and grow. Besides, how can anybody focus with a two and a half month old grinning next to you? 

I love hearing her little coos, watching the wonder and amazement in her eyes as she realizes that she has feet, that her fingers taste good (I assume?) that light is pretty, and figuring out how to move her little body the way she wants. I know she won’t remember these moments, but maybe someday her life will shimmer with magic and it will be the residue of days like this. 

Sometimes I look around and I think I kinda know how she feels, watching the world unfold in front of my eyes. How is it real that I’m a mom? I have a whole family. Daddy, baby and me. We have a home that we are working on. It’s been HARD. I knew it would be, and I was so afraid of that hard. Now I’m in it though and I realize that it only has to be hard, one thing at a time. That’s another blog though. 

This blog is about how worth it that hard is, even if I can only see it for small moments at a time right now. How magical it is that is butterfly season and that seems to represent so much of my life right now. Each stage is different, and beautiful and bazaar. How is it real that a caterpillar can become a beautiful little chrysalis, which eventually dissolves and out emerges a huge butterfly. How do butterfly’s even fit in there? 

How is it real that this is where I am? Who else remembers that just a few years ago, I had braces and I wore my class ring everywhere and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go to Portland or Spokane for college?? Now I live in Florida with my husband and our daughter. My daughter who is trying so hard to laugh, that she snorts. Who’s got little abs from trying to sit up so much. Who’s got this tiny perfect little nose, and cheeks that are addicting to kiss and chunky little legs I love to squeeze. 

Everybody told me “don't blink” because I’ll miss it, and I can’t believe how true that is. It all changes so fast, two months ago Delilah couldn’t hold her head up and slept all the time. On the other hand, how could anybody blink? There are too many incredible, beautiful things to see, I don’t want to waste a second with my eyes shut. I used to have a hard time taking naps because I was so excited to be awake, I remember playing around in my room when I was supposed to be napping, but how could I sleep with the whole world out there? I feel very similar now. Who knew that everything in life could change, and yet things would still be the same. 

Exodus

 This deployment, I feel like the theme has been “Exodus”. The book from the Bible? It’s about the great exit from Egypt, Moses took Gods people to freedom but first there were all the plagues and hardening of hearts. 

Well the theme of this deployment has also been change. So much change. Never ending change, and that’s okay! I’m good with change. That’s what makes me a fitting military wife. Change is where I thrive! One of the biggest changes we’ve made (one of two pretty major changes) was buying a house. Oddly enough, this is where I felt Exodus the most. 

10 times, God told Moses to talk to Pharaoh. 9 times, God hardened pharaohs heart. Imagine how frustrating that would be. God told Moses each time, it seemed like everything was lining up, things were going to work, and then God said no. 

I looked at pretty much every available house in my price range, in Jacksonville, Fl. I went to some pretty bad areas of town (not realizing it) hunting for this home. So many times, things lined up. I mean they lined up perfectly. Billy was able to talk, it was a good house in a great neighborhood, the right distance from both our jobs… it felt like God gave us the green light  I’d get so excited, and then God would tell me no. It was frustrating and discouraging. I cried a lot, I felt really hopeless and confused. I wonder how Moses felt. 

My side of things is clearly a lot easier to swallow than what Moses went through. I wasn’t abandoned by my birth mom, sent down a river, raised by the enemy, only to be rejected by my true family. I did raise sheep, but I also felt insanely inadequate to be the one to find us a house, and since Billy was gone, I didn’t even have an Aaron to help me out. 

I wonder if Moses felt confused and angry that God had asked him to do this thing he didn’t even want to do, only for God to shut the door in his face over and over. Of course, we all know how the story ends. The waters part and Moses leads the people to the promise land. I guess I’m just amazed at the faith Moses had. He didn’t even have the Holy Spirit living IN him at that time. I think I might get in my own way, wondering if I really had heard the voice of God. Yet, Moses persisted. He left for a few days to go up the mount and the people he freed from slavery and false gods, went back to their old ways and built a gold shrine. 

I’d be so frustrated I’d turn blue in the face. The Bible never tells us how Moses felt about this stuff, other than some mentions of anger and inadequacy (he had a speech impediment). I just wonder. It’s easy for me to forget how human the people from the Bible are. 

Just something I’m thinking about.