Wait, What?

"I'm so jealous of how you've always been so brave and not afraid to be yourself." 

Wait, what? 

Yes. I've been told this. Like, recently.

My initial reaction was like "Dude I've pretty much spent 9 or 10 years of my life trying to be a part of the 'group'!" and I was sorta ashamed to say that. So of course I did some self reflecting. 
Bullying is a really big part of my youth. I grew up being bullied. Pretty much from the first day of first grade till now, I've been bullied. I was not strong in myself. I was not the one little kid that was being bullied and completely oblivious, dancing around on the playground like a little butterfly. NOPE. NOT ME. 

No. I was hecka worried about being a part of the 'group' (BY THE WAY KIDS. I NEVER WAS. PLEASE. LISTEN, ABSORB, AND DON'T LOSE YOURSELF) My mom and I were talking the other day and she was like "The Group. Man, I hated that word. Every day after school you'd come home and tell me what the group said you had to do to be accepted!" 

I don't remember much. I remember coming home crying pretty much every day after school (yes, for like 8 years. Not even kidding). I remember my little kid pep talks to myself:
"Okay Georgia. Its time to do it. You always say you want change, so LETS DO IT. You're done being Georgia. Lets be Nichole. Lets get fit and go back to school with everyone wanting to be our friend" as I rode my bike up and down my driveway, determined to be liked. 

I remember thinking about how cool it would be if I could change my name and shave my head and come back to school a 'boy'. Maybe people would forget about Georgia and like ME instead! I remember buying things I thought the kids would like. I got matching glasses with a girl in my class, thinking it would help me be included in the group (I actually needed the glasses. It was just convenient to get the same ones as this other girl). 

I remember the weight loss plans, the first time I wore eyeliner,  because the other girls in my grade were. I got laughed at because my line was wobbly. In the 4th grade, I created an imaginary friend (Harry Potter) because I didn't have any one else and I got tired of sitting alone on the school bus. I felt disliked by my teachers. I knew my peers didn't like me. They reminded me every day. 
I was not strong in myself. I dressed how I thought they wanted. I tried to stay out of their ways. I did everything I possibly could to be less hated. Everything. 

Now I realize how wrong that was. We were FIRST GRADERS. I shouldn't have been asking my mom what was wrong with me. I shouldn't have been letting some 6 year old cut me in line so she could be closer to her friend, maybe giving me some brownie points. All I was, was a stupid doormat for everyone to walk on, and boy did I let them walk on me. 

"I'll be better. I can be better. I just need to change this" 

They didn't like me because they didn't want to.

I used to tell the new kids that they wouldn't stand a chance with the crowd if they hung out with me. I remember being told in the third grade that some girls had to hang out with me because their mothers had told them to. I was so excited that someone was hanging out with me. I remember thinking "Their mom knows what my mom has been telling me!" and I got to spend three days, here or there, hanging with the group. 

Every kid goes through those days in junior high with the acne problems and bad hair and makeup. I remember my mom telling me almost every day "they are just as insecure as you are." "you are beautiful." "your good at writing." "you are an amazing drummer. Don't let those boys take your time away. You've earned it" I remember looking in the mirror and thinking "whats wrong with my skin?" I remember sitting at the drum kit, trying to stay true to what my mom said, and giving up as soon as their drum sticks left welts on my skin. 

"Oh my gosh! You should have told someone!" Yeah, I know. I was scared. I didn't want to get the group in trouble. Plus, the times I did tell, nothing happened and I felt like a tatle-tale and that was no fun. I used to stand on top of the blacktop/ball wall platform at my school and write/sing songs all lunch recess. Or i glued myself to a pole that no one ever went to or played around. I'd just shy away. I mean, I don't think I was shy. I felt awkward giving presentations, standing in front of people who hated me. Performing in talent shows, knowing if I made one mistake, I'd be the talk of the town for WEEKS. Yes. 

I was scared. Terrified. Yet, somehow, I did it anyways. 

That is how I know I was not shy. 

Hi. I'm Georgetta Nichole Falk. I'm 17 years old and I have slight social anxiety. Being in a large crowd scares me. I have a rough time letting people get close to me. I've had the worlds most amazing best friend since I was in the 4th grade (yes, shes a real human), and she has been there for me through more than you could imagine. My mom has been my ride or die since day one, and sometimes we fight and it kills me. I love to sing and dance, I'm a little crazy when it comes to dancing. I can play the drums like a boss, but I know I always have room to improve. I love running, and not because its gonna help me lose weight. I am a very passionate person, and I understand that sometimes its a little much. 

BUT. It is no reason for me to hide. 

I am bright 

I am funny

I make people smile and honestly, that makes me smile 

I am BEAUTIFUL. Not just because my genetics turned out good, but because I have an amazing soul.

Hey! You! Your not alone out there! We've been through a lot, you and I. But I see you. I see your potential. I see your BEAUTY for what it is, not just the surface value. I see your ambition and your thoughts. I see that little sparkle in your eye that your trying to hide because it makes you different. I see you.  Don't cut your hair, don't stop laughing at the sun, don't stop drawing, writing, composing, creating. Don't stop just because THEY tell you to. Just because the people around you that you are striving to impress say so. You are not them, and that's what makes you so individually beautiful. Don't go home and change your pants just because someone doesn't like them. You look amazing in those pants. Nothing is gonna change my mind. 

Even you, you beautiful flower. You might think your just another daisy standing in a huge filed of daisy, but your not. You are one flower. Your not going to the same place as the daisies around you. your not gonna be in a bouquet with a bunch of the same flowers. Your gonna be a part of something bigger than where you are right now. 

I'm sorry it took me so long to stop trying so hard to be what I'm not to make you happy. I realize now that my true joy is more infectious than my desperation to be accepted. To the girl that said she was jealous of me, you need not be. You are SO TOTALLY allowed to be yourself. Dance when the music stops, I dare you. You don't think I was scared of rejection when I took my first step? I'll take it with you, and we can be different together. 

You don't know where your headed, but the sun is shining today. So grow. Soak in the rain when it comes. Let your roots grow further and sturdier when a storm hits, and DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.