Rainy Day

 I only blog when I'm feeling good, I'm happy, and everything makes sense and I feel fulfilled. Today, I am changing that. 

Today, I am tired. My insecurity has gotten the best of me, and Billy's absence feels like an elephant on my chest. No sunshine is radiating from my eyes, and I just want to curl up and be alone. 

I never share my bad days because I feel like I have built this personality online that is so hopeful and joyous, but recently, I've been feeling like maybe a little real time vulnerability might not be the worst thing. I don't want to be misleading, and have it look like I really have life figured out, or that its easy for me to go through big things in life just because I try to meet every situation with a fresh glass of optimism. 

The truth is, I do know that the way I feel right now is temporary, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Deployments are really hard for a number of reasons. Today, I just wish my best friend was here to talk to. You'd think that after 4 years of not knowing when we would get to see each other, or if we'd get to see each other, or how long we'd even get to be together, would have made me a little stronger by now. Yet, here I am. No matter what music I listen to, what food I eat, or what other things I do to distract myself, there is still a silence that hangs in the air. 

I used to get really mad at myself for missing Billy. This was my job, this was my LIFE. I needed to get used to being alone, or my life would suck. I couldn't be a baby. Even the Facebook pages I followed told me that I needed to be strong. I couldn't be weak, my husband and my family was relying on me. He needed me to be okay, no tears, just capable of doing this all by myself. Typically, being "strong" just lead to me having a massive meltdown. I used to greet loneliness and the quiet hurt of distance, like it was a terrorist. In true Georgia fashion, I'd put on some Rock N' Roll and bulldoze that depression right under a very thin and worn carpet. 

Today, I put on my sweatpants, I listened to some quiet music, and I met that silence like an old friend that I'd been expecting. The truth is, I had been expecting it. I know that even the strongest of wives get sad when their husband leaves, even if its just for a couple of nights. I did my prep work. There is no cleaning for me today, no cooking even. Just relaxing with hot coffee, sunshine, and relaxed vibes. I'd rather allow myself to hurt and treat it as a selfcare day, than to try to blast away the pain with loud distractions, pushing the tears away to be stored up for an unpredictable moment of explosion that seemingly comes out of nowhere. I wish I was this smart, even just a year ago. 

I think strength is knowing when you need a break to just break. Its knowing when to stop scrolling on social media, when to take your makeup off, and just exist in the moment you're in. Tomorrow, I know I will be back to firing on all cylinders, but for now, I'm just curled up in this blanket, missing my other half more than anything in the world. 

I'm not always happy, or excited, or even optimistic. I forget that the way I feel is temporary. I get lost in my thoughts and my sorrow. I eat food I know I shouldn't, and sometimes, I even leave the dishes in the sink (but I never skip making my bed. Ever). I'm learning that its okay to not be okay. I'm also learning that it is okay to be okay. Sometimes, it feels like people expect me to be more upset, more of a mess than I am. They feel like if I'm not upset, then maybe I don't miss him. 

The real truth is that I always miss him. Even on the best day that I have during this deployment, I will still be missing him. He's my best friend, the one I want to share my life with. So whether I am smiling, or crying, I miss him. I preach healing, and being a little sad is a part of that healing. So if you're anything like me, stop telling yourself that you're made out of the strongest metal on earth, and allow yourself to be quiet inside, turn off your phone, turn off the TV, maybe read a book, or paint, or go for a walk and listen to the sounds of nature. Keep hope in your heart though, because no matter how bad this seems, not matter how permanent this feels, its temporary, you will get through it, and everything will be okay. 

I know there's a brighter day, but its not today, and that is alright with me.