Thursday

For those of you that follow my blog, this might seem random and out of nowhere. For those of you that do not follow my blog. Welcome! this blog is a little "out of nowhere" and I encourage you to explore my blog! Either way, please stay for the whole duration of the blog. Its long, but I have something important to say.

I just want to feel beautiful

Have you ever heard a song at a perfect time, and it just spoke to you in the perfect and exact way you never knew you needed to hear? I just recently heard the song "Thursday" by Jess Glynne. If you follow me, you know that this blog is about self discovery and me being as real and true to myself as I can be. You also know that William (my best friend and boyfriend) just left for basic.

New Years is also coming up, and I have been feeling a lot of pressure (from myself) to change in some big, dramatic way, like I am so prone to doing. Then I heard this song. (maybe look it up or you might not get the rest of this blog)

 I sat on the floor of the bathroom and cried for a while. Then I took a bath and cried for a while. Have you ever felt like you were drowning in pain and sadness? Like. Your'e trying to breathe but you cant stop crying long enough to get a breath, and hot salty tears are streaming down your face, and your eyes are burning from the pressure of the tears pushing themselves out and your chest hurts from lack of oxygen, even though your body is expelling so much energy because you're crying so hard. You cant even open your eyes and they are stuck squinted, pain pulsing through your veins, streaming down your cheeks.

I cried like that for two and a half days. Triggered by a song. I listened to it on repeat, and just let the words sing in to me. My mom thinks that maybe the initial shock of William laving finally wore off.  Like when you slam your finger in the door, and at first it doesn't hurt, but then its like *&%$*%#@*$%  because it hurts so bad? Maybe it was just a bunch of things stored up inside of me that for some reason, needed to escape at that moment.

I was scared. I can't even tell you all the emotions inside of me. There were so many. I was tired. I was really really tired. I got back to Spokane on Monday, and the tears started Tuesday. I cried even harder (which I didn't think was possible) when Billy's mom invited me over for dinner and to hang out on Thursday. I cried so hard I couldn't even respond. I don't know why. Like. Yeah ok I had a pretty good idea of why I was crying. I have a lot going on right now. But I got it together and went to work and then to Billy's house. Jackson ran to the door and gave me a huge hug the second I walked in the door.

Him and I sat on the couch and watched T.V. He occasionally bumped me to show me something on the video game he was playing, and munched on the Leggo candy I brought him.  Everything was just really normal. Lisa showed me a Facebook page that was the Navy Basic page. It was all just. Normal. A huge changed had just happened in their house. No more Billy. A box sat downstairs with the things he was wearing when he went to basic. A reminder. Yet everything was normal. No one had lost their mind and jumped off the deep end and dyed their hair blue. No one was starving themselves to reach some imaginary goal weight.

When I went home to Wallowa county. There were changes in my home too. Yet, the same, loving parents met me at the door. My brother and I still played cards and I still felt welcome and loved and... normal. I'm so dramatic.

I have been wearing makeup since I was like. 11 years old. I don't think I have gone a day without at least a little makeup since the day I started wearing it (and even before. I snuck into my sisters makeup and stole her mascara. sorry sis) I dyed my hair black as a sophomore and basically never let it be my natural color since. When I moved here, I filled my life with things. Big changes. New clothes, new hair, new nails and and attitude and everything because I was a new person. Look at me, living this glamorous college life.  Stress free, the world in my hands.

I felt like I needed to ditch my old life in order to be successful in my new life, and it was exhausting. Its been exhausting. Waking up in the mornings and being filled with self hatred when I saw myself in the mirror. Covering up with makeup and hair...

I wrote this song once. The only one I ever really like. Put a melody to and then sang it in front of a camera. The first lines of the chorus are like this "You can dye your hair and you can paint your face, but the girl in the mirror will never change" I wrote it after my sister left. The song was about her and how she left. But that line was about me. Just trying to get away from who I was. Desperate to prove that I wasn't a small weak girl who lost her sister. I feel like I've kinda lived a lot of my life trying to prove that I wasn't "that girl" anymore. That I was braver and better. That I could be cooler and prettier and skinnier or more fit.

So this year, I have no resolution. My hair is finally back to brown. Not my natural color, but getting there. This year. I just want to let go. I want to learn to actually feel comfortable in my own skin. Not just write blogs about it. I just want to go back to being myself. Maybe I will never be that kid that jumped in my dads truck with cow poop on my face, headed to grain growers for pig feed. No makeup, not a care in the world. I will try, though. I just want to let go. I want to surround myself with who I was, because she was so lovable and I allowed her to get shoved to the side because I couldn't love her. I let the world in and it killed a part of me I want back.

I woke up with my eyes salty and painful this morning, but I made my bed. I went out in 35 degree weather and I washed my car. Put my hair in a ponytail and I went to the gym and worked out really hard for an hour. I came home and I took a bath, and then I took a nap. I called my momma, and I ate with my host family. I was moved and inspired by a song and I wrote about it. And now I'm going to get some actual sleep tonight. Take this one day at a time, and figure some things out.

So I wont wear makeup on Thursday, cause who I am is enough.





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9I-CORTWgyM

HOME???

Home is where the heart is, and to be very honest, I have been very confused lately.

Where is my heart? Furthermore, where do I belong? I often find myself feeling "too county" for Spokane, and "too city" for Wallowa county. Which is crazy. Why would I even feel like this?

What was even more confusing was that I missed Spokane while I was in Enterprise and I miss Enterprise when I'm in Spokane. All I want is my moms hug. I want to drink coffee with her and laugh at our jokes that only we think are funny. I want to play cards with my brother and giggle at our jokes and drive him and his friends around. I miss my dads hugs. I wanna talk about how nothing is wrong with my car. I want to make popcorn and sit and watch football and eat chips and some really good dip my mom makes. I want my grandpa to talk about my aunts and uncle when they were kids and I want to see my aunts and have my old teachers give me hugs and my friends to rush over to me and have conversations about the world I used to live in.

Yet somehow I still feel like I don't quite belong. Its like a part of me doesn't click with where I am, but I feel the same about Spokane. I feel like that part of me that is able to identify home, is missing, and now there is really nowhere that I do feel home. No where that I can connect to.

Its weird. I feel like I'm floating in the air. I'm suspended and even though I have a ton of support from all sides, I am unstable. I feel like I can't relax. All I want is to sit still and feel like I belong in that spot, but I don't. I am anxious and I am scared, but I don't know why. I feel like there is always something more I should be doing, but I don't know what.

In Wallowa County, I know the rural roads. I know where all the side roads go, the dirt roads. I know the best places to go for a drive if you want to clear your mind, and the best place to watch the sun set. I have seen the sun rise from the top of a mountain. I can tell you where to get coffee, the best socks, and I can walk through Safeway with my eyes closed. I know the voices of the people who surrounded me, my mom, my dad, my brother and Maria and Jenni and Michael and my classmates. My family lives there.

In Spokane, I also know the roads. Not all of them, but the ones I know, I know. I can tell you where to get coffee and what the best time of day to go to the gym is and I have a couple really good friends. I have family that I don't share blood with, brothers I never planned on having, a puppy that is so cute I could die. Spokane is full of urban adventure.

Both places used to make the sunshine in my heart, a little warmer. Both places used to set a peace in me I couldn't find other places. Now the streets of Spokane are loud. I don't know the faces. I feel too shy and too nervous to be around the people I love. Wallowa County is cold. I feel like my heart and mind should be resting, getting a break from the fast paced life of Spokane. Instead in just worried because I am worrying instead of getting rest, and even when I try to calm myself down. Even when  I sit on the couch and watch football with my dad, or play cards with my brother, or help my mom do the dishes (I love doing the dishes). I am restless. Searching for a connection I seem to have lost.

I am insecure, and disappointed in myself because I know I should not feel insecure. I am a pretty girl, and more importantly, I am sweet and kind and caring and compassionate.

Has anyone else felt this? Like you can't connect anywhere? I know that I am supported in Enterprise and Spokane. I know that I am loved and that I truly belong both places, but I don't feel like it. Sorry that this blog post was more melancholy. Does anyone have any advice? Maybe some tips? I would love to hear from you guys <3

William

Welp. It happened, William went to basic today.

I expected myself to still be in a mess of tears and pain, but I am actually okay with it.  We got to the MEPS center at around 8:30 to watch him be sworn in, then I waited till around noon for him to go to the airport to get on the plane to Chicago and leave. He will be gone for two months, then off to Florida for tech school. He is going to be on air crew, so he will get to work on planes and build up flight hours. His dream is to be a pilot.

When I met Billy almost a year ago, his plan was to go into the Air Force, which later changed and I have been through the whole Navy journey with him.

I spent forever trying to figure out what I was going to say on this blog post, but I don't have anything to say really.

I love him, I am proud of him, I don't know what else to say. Enjoy this little slideshow and picture gallery of us together :)

I will be getting better at updating my blog!! I have been very busy on adventures with William!! 

Winter is here...

Snow is falling. The house smells like a fresh baked chocolate cake. Soft music is playing. Christmas lights are hung over a plastic ficus tree. the house is clean and I am wrapped up in a weighted blanket, watching  A Holiday Engagement on Netflix. A small fire crackles beside me.

Its month four! Statistically, the homesickness should be over! Yet... Somehow... Its worse.

Today, my mom and I would have baked cookies. The first snow. So we also would have probably made some homemade hot cocoa. We totally would have watched a Christmas hallmark movie, and maybe even listened to Christmas music. My guess would be last year's Casting Crowns Christmas CD. Thats out favorite.

I heard the bells on Christmas day.... their old familiar carols play....

I'm not trying to make myself sad. This is my first winter away from home, and I am living in a city. Not just any city. My favorite city. This morning, I woke up and felt like I belonged here... but I couldn't help but wish my mom was here.

I think about seeing the Christmas trees, the lights, the ice skating. The mall is already decorated. Stores have up their Christmas decorations up. Its truly magical. The world is lighting up, even as the dark creeps further and further into our days. I just wish my mom was here to look at all of it with me. It was a family tradition for us to go to the lights in Lewistion. We would get cocoa from Starbucks, and walk around this park. Sometimes, our friends from Clarkston would join us, or even host us at their house.

My brother and I would build snowmen and destroy them. We would fight about feeding cows, and I'd probably be doing my best to avoid having to go take care of the chickens, BUT. I would be baking amazing cookies and cakes, and not eating any of it cause I am gluten intolerant. Plus I'd probably sorta clean the kitchen afterword so that makes up for my lack of outside chores, right??

Sorry. I needed comic relief.

My gym has really big windows that face east, so all the light comes through, and I am excited to look outside at all the cars driving around me, while I workout to Christmas music.

This year, I don't get to come home for Thanksgiving, because I work on Black Friday, and I don't think I will be able to go home for Christmas either. I am sad I wont get to wake up on Christmas morning, and then wake up Jacob and put on our matching onsies and running into the living room and looking at our stalkings before our parents are awake, and then pretending to be really shocked when we open them up later when the parents are awake.

Being an adult is so weird... I miss my mom. I just wanna go home and be a kid again, even though I love Spokane so much. I guess I just love my momma that much more <3

I want...

I want to give a TED talk on the importance of a youth truly informed about politics

I want to travel all around America and help victims of natural disasters

I want to write emotional pieces that inspire a positive change

I want to help the men, women, and children liberated from sex slavery

I want to sing in my churches choir

I want to someday teach a Sunday school class

I want to help the neglected youth of America

I want to help kids in alternative classrooms realize that they can be so much more than what others say

I want to wake up sparks in people that turn into motivated fires

I want to spend the rest of my life dancing in the rain, because rain is a blessing

I want to spend the rest of my life, in love with life

I want to spend the rest of my life, overjoyed at the sight of a smile from someone I love

I want other people to look at me and realize that they can also achieve their wildest and seemingly craziest ambitions

I want to spend the rest of my life, laughing with the love of my life.

I want my kids to learn the value of their sibling bond

I want my kids to have best friends that they laugh with

I want them to feel freedom, and a love so perfect that fear doesn't exist

I want to speak at high schools all around America, sharing a message of optimism

I want a family that loves adventure as much as I do

I wanna wake up every day for the rest of my life, and praise God for remembering to wake me up again

I want to make the people around me feel 100% better, just because

I want the world to wake up, to a glorious Son. The Son who saves.

I want to shout His praise from the tops of buildings and cars and hills

I don't want to forget. 

It is a glorious day, my people. The sun is shining on your face. No matter how cloudy, there is a light. Lean in. Absorb it. Allow it to fill you, so that you become it. Lets be millions of points of light, full of joy and love.

What do you want?

Best friends

Listen to me.


Do you remember, as a kid, having that one really good best friend? I had two. Both at different times, neither are currently my friends, although none of us hate each other. We grew apart.  I'm gonna use this blog post to reflect on both. I changed their names just cause I wasn't sure. So yeah.

The first one, I will call April. I met her when I was in the third grade. I can still remember. I used to sit at the front of the bus and listen to the bus driver say her name every day. This went on for a month or so before I got the courage to call her over to come sit with me. I can still picture my second grade self calling her over to my seat, and seeing her alarmed expression. I thought for sure she would reject me. She didn't know my name, I had just moved out to the country and got put on her bus route, but she didn't reject me, and that was the first day.

After that, we were almost inseparable. We used to wake up at 6 AM and go to each others houses. I still don't know how we convinced our parents to allow that. We would ride our bikes, pet horses, play with dogs, sing Taylor Swift as loud as we could, we had sleepovers on her trampoline and we even had almost the same little Hello Kitty stereo. We used to get in trouble for the amount of time we spent talking over the phone with each other. She would call me as soon as she got home from school, because from the time we dropped her off at her driveway to the time I got back to my house was about the same. We basically lived at each others houses. One time, we ate an entire box of fudge pops together. While swimming in a really big water thing for cows that we turned into a swimming pool.

We watched the Hannah Montana movie together, and then sang and danced to "Hoedown Throw down" for the talent show when I was in the 4th grade. Right around then is also when our relationship started to get rocky.  I was becoming obsessed with Harry Potter, and she was getting tired of it. We started to fight more and more and eventually we just had this really ugly split and we weren't friends till both of us were in high school, and we became team mates on the cheer team.

In the 5th grade, I met the most exotic creature I had ever seen. Her hair was dyed, she had these beautiful freckles, her eyes were amazing. She had this bright freshness about her that told me she was not from Enterprise. We were watching our sisters volleyball practice. I'm not completely sure how it all went down, but she cut her heel really bad on this metal gate our school has set up, going into the junior high, and her bloody footprint was still on the concrete the day I graduated from EHS. I'll refer to her as Blue. We were instant besties. I still remember waiting for her bright pink hair to show up on the first day of school so I could take her to class and show her around. I had never seen anyone at EHS like her. Ever.

We soon started having sleepovers. She lived in a huge house and had her very own room. We would make huge messes in the kitchen, making all sorts of pastries like cake pops and waffles. Blue would do my makeup and give me clothes and talk about her life in catholic school. Soon we were old enough to ride our bikes the 4 miles into town. So thats what we did in the summer. We would ride our bikes to get milkshakes and pizza, and have to peddle home completely bloated. We went on these dragon slayer adventures, we would download the Lord of the Rings sound track and pack a lunch and use old wrapping paper rolls as swords. We would slay dragons all after noon, adventuring across a hill behind her house. We would sleep on her trampoline and wake up at midnight to jump in the pool, come in the house freezing cold and soaking wet, and make a mess while making cocoa.

Her mom worked nights, so in the morning, she would bring us home doughnuts for breakfast. She would take us on adventures to towns close to us, and she would always turn up our fav song to sing together "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice. I can still remember the lake days, the entire brand new lifestyle that Blue and her family gave me. She really was my best friend. Then one day, she just didn't respond to my texts. Or my calls. She ignored me at school, once it started again.

I was heart broken. For months, at random times, I would just think about her and dissolve into tears.  I held a lot of pain in my heart, and a bit of resentment, and today I just had a random thought.

Just because it ended, just because its over, just because it hurt really bad going down. That doesn't mean I didn't still have millions of laughs and thousands of moments under the sunshine of friendship. Just because I don't have her anymore, doesn't mean that I don't have those memories. Little Georgia has so many beautiful memories. Breaking up didn't take away the years I had, the memories we made. I don't really know why it took me so long to remember that.

Just because we lose people or things, does not mean that we lose the affect they had on us, and the way they enriched our lives.

 So lets remember that.

Magic Strings

Imagination is a powerful element in the life of a child. That wish becomes reality when we learn to fabricate things in out mind, enabling us to clock out of real life, without having to move. I was a very creative kid, there was no doubt about that. I had an imagination like you could not believe. I later learned that that's a coping strategy for kids in stressful situations (ie dealing with bullies).


I was overflowing with ideas. I had plans and hopes and dreams and I loved reading. My books could take me anywhere.  By the 4th grade, I was reading high school level books, or higher. My mother had told me that reading was a way of escaping. I started to create scenarios in my head. My showers became hair shampoo commercials, red carpet runway speeches, Presidential inauguration speeches, and beauty pageants galore. I was being soaked in an environment where it was okay and encouraged to not like myself. Where it was encouraged to be anything but myself. School wasn't a supportive environment for me; I wasn't even sure I belonged there. I fabricated myself these fantasies that I was somewhere else, that the body I was in was just a stand in. I would play with guitar strings tacked to my wall, till I was no longer Georgia Falk, but someone else entirely. They were my magic strings.



I wished and wished that my magic strings could truly work. I played them and played them till I would lose my mind and end up in a world I had read about. Pretty soon, reality and my mind had gotten so mixed that I often forgot that I wasn't actually going different places when I played my strings. I could lay still in my bed after plucking a string, and feel the world around me spin. I could feel the colors blurring and mixing in the dark, I could feel the temperature changing as I lay still, listening to the sound of myself leaving my house. I could hear the beach waves, or the bustle of Hogwarts. I was Juliet, begging Romeo to stop this insanity.



Then one day, my magic string broke, but I didn't feel the need to replace it. I wasn't hungry for the world to spin. I wasn't desperate for a change of scenery. I was too tired to work my brain. So instead I lay still, night after night, and forgot about my adventures. I had a notebook. It was a gross pink red color. I hated the color pink. I still do. Inside, it contained all my adventures. All the little thoughts that ran through my mind. Some of it made a song, other parts made a poem, and some of it was just drawings repeated over and over till one deformed flower became a flower that look semi normal.


Why do we imagine safe spaces, become brilliant thinkers, create alternate universes, become time travelers, crack the mind of Confucius, and save the world from ultimate destruction, over, and over, and over again, just so we can forget we were ever more then tired teenage bodies that hate homework? Why is it that we tell each other that we were insane back in those days, when in reality, the day we became what we are is the day we lost our minds? Why does growing up mean losing creativity?


As a kid, I knew how to solve world hunger. I knew the answers to world peace. I had the perfect formula to being a good best friend. Why do we choose to forget that the sun used to be a bright yellow corner on a white sheet of paper? I am reading a book for my college class right now, and its crazy. Everyone who has looked at it has said "looks like they were on drugs"


But why? Why is it that thats how we view things? Why do we lose our creativity so much that others creativity looks like a druggie did it? Why do we forget how to play with legos and crayons and play dough? Why do we forget how exciting it is to think of all the beautiful things?


Guys, maybe today is a good day to sit down with a pen or a pencil and just draw lines. We've all lost our minds, and claim that people who haven't, are just crazy. Maybe its time to find your mind again. Winter is coming anyways.

comparison

I'm about to get really real and I have no idea how crazy I am going to sound


I compare! Ghaaaa I compare myself everywhere. Its a cruel addiction I've got myself hooked on. I'm not talking like "oh I have better shoes" or "wow shes so pretty and I'm just..." cause yeah I do that too, but I mean like.

I search people out. I intentionally find people that I know make me feel small, just by looking at them. I see so much of myself in them that I get scared. That I am devoured with insecurity. I debilitate myself in malls, convincing myself that every little glance is judgmental and hateful. I catch glimpses of my imperfect skin in mirrors or see the way my jeans fit. I see girls with their long glossy hair and perfectly manicured nails and eyebrows and I feel like I'm scum. Then I mentally promote it in myself.

Even if I walk into a building feeling really good about myself. It takes no time at all for me to feel like the little kid who was playing in her moms closet and makeup. To feel like the fat little ugly girl trying to be a cool girl.

I just really aggressively hate myself sometimes.

Yet, it goes deeper. Its not just about how I look. I'm not that self consumed. But then, maybe I am. which is bad and I shouldn't do that. Oh my gosh, what if I'm shallow? I can already hear people telling me that I am too self obsessed and that I shouldn't feel like everyone would give me that attention. How vain of me.  I'm repulsed at my self obsession. Wait, no. I'm mad. Why are you mad at me for having an insecurity? Do you think its my fault I became this? Not saying its your fault...

And it spirals. Deeper and deeper and deeper and it sits inside of me and insecurity and self doubt and all of these thoughts just plague me. Part of me feel like I am unworthy of standing in the presence of these people, and part of me is mad at myself for feeling like anyone cares, part of me is mad at the others for making me feel like that and yet another part of me is mad at the angry side because I'm just acting like a baby. My pants don't fit right. My body is disproportionate. Maybe if I lost 20 pounds. Why am I so disgusting.

People think I like shopping. I do not. Please. Don't make me go shopping. My mom shopped for me. Which she will deny. But I cried every time we went shopping. I'd be a brat over lunch because I had to go jean shopping earlier. I feel like even the girls heavier than me just, wear it better.

So why am I bringing this up now? Because I spent tonight harshly comparing myself to how similar I was to someone else and I let it destroy me while I smiled and said "no, nothing is wrong"

I know I am not the only one. This is unhealthy. This obsession with intentionally degrading myself to build others. These people don't even know me. They have never seen me and I will probably never see them again. Yet, in my head, I beat myself further and further into the ground. Its disgusting.

BUT THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. 

You are not stuck there. I am not stuck there. We are never trapped inside our own heads. Its time we ask for the keys back, and kick down the bars we made for ourselves. Its not easy for me to go into a mall. I don't even buy anything. I just walk around. Maybe go into the stores and look at clothes. Eventually, I will be brave enough to try them on. Do not let your fear own you. Do not let that ugly secret hide in the dark and devour you in silence. You are brave, you are good. There are a lot of things I have no talked about on this blog that I would like to talk about, I just don't know how to start the conversation. Maybe we just need to drop it in the water and let it go. Bring it to the light. Pain grows in darkness, making the darkness itself grow. Stop letting it grow.

Going to the mall is one small step. I am growing. I am becoming. I am fear conquering. I'm just some girl from a town in Oregon hardly anyone has heard of, but I have my own story and its pretty big. Come out of hiding, lets do this together.

 Lets smash our fears, one moment at a time.

Home Sick

I like solid facts. Dependability, I guess. I suck at math. Like, ask my high school math teachers. Yet, oddly enough, I love statistics. I like solid evidence. I guess maybe that will help me be a good journalist, because I want to know everything. I want the whole truth and I want to know that I have all the facts from all the sides.

So naturally, when my teacher told me that, according to statistical evidence,  the first three months away from home would be the worst, I was over joyed. I knew leaving was going to be hard on me, but I had an anchor. Three months. Thats all I had to survive. When the first month passed, and I looked back and realized that I hadn't cried much and that I was doing pretty good, I was hecka excited. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad! Month two flew by. I had two families that I spent all my time with. The Agnors, and the Wisors. I pretty much spent every evening at the Wisors house, hanging out with Jack and William. Their mom welcomed me in, and I felt like I was home. Then I'd go back to the Agnors, and the boys were running around. I took care of them after school. Teased them while they played video games, talked to Luke about running... It was all very good.

Hello October, and buckets of tears. I wasn't expecting the third month to hit me like a freight train. I miss my mom. I miss my brother. So bad. I miss cheesy Halloween movies and the way the trees look by now. I miss cheerleading, and I miss football. I miss hunting season. I really just... miss home.

When I hang out with Jack and William and their family, we watch football. Like. We are allowed to yell and back talk the refs. Its so fun. At this point, Mrs. Wisor kinda just plans on me coming over after William gets off work. To me, its crazy. William and I take Jack to the mall, and we go to hobby lobby and look around, we go to tons of toy stores, and we even go to Barns & Nobles! Jack and I always push all the buttons on the toys that make noise, cause its funny to watch William get *mad* at us. Its no secret though, I can always see his smile.

Jack is a fun little dude. I never anticipated having a 9 year old friend as one of my better friends in college, however, I learn a lot from him. He is amazing at creating things with Legos, hes artistic with clay, hes diligent with his spelling homework every night, and hes not afraid to have fun. I have seen full-out nurf wars go down in that house. At the end of the night, hes still excited to snuggle down next to me and show me his video games and ask me how to spell his screen name.

I feel at home. Yet I miss my own so much. Jacob (my biological brother, just to clarify) and I used to lay on the dirt road after a run, or just a long day, and look at the stars. Closer to me moving, we'd lay on my bedroom floor with sheet masks on and giggle about stupid things that were not funny. I don't even know why we laughed. Every time I call mom and hes home, he picks up the phone and its at least a half hour before my mom gets her own phone back, because Jake and I can talk for hours. He texted me today to tell me that hes going to bake for me when I come home.

When I get on the phone with my mom, we just talk for hours. Or. We could, but we both have things to do. We talk about the colors of the trees and we talk about how Bath & Body works has updated to their Fall sense. I tell her about college and how weird it is, we talk about church and my dad.

In Spokane, I drive the same places, do the same things, and yet I hardly ever see the same face twice. Even the people in the grocery store seem to be always changing. At home, I knew everyone. I went different places and did different things. I always knew someone. There was always someone I had some connection to. Someone knew my parents, and there for, knew me. No matter where I went. It was still home.

Now, I'm not saying that I don't love Spokane, because I do. I love living in the city. I love having a boyfriend and my two close friends that I knew before I moved up here. I love Williams family and I love the Agnors. I love having access to Walmart and a mall, all within 30 min and not 2.5 hours, just to get a Walmart. The mall was like, 4 hours away! In a different state!

I want to know how I have changed. Whats different about me? Thats one thing I keep thinking about. Its not something that I thought of when I left, but even as I change, my home changes too. My brother turned 17 when I was gone. He completely redesigned our bathroom. My parents have a new TV remote. Like, small things. Some pretty major things have happened too, though. I wonder if its weird for my mom to have memories of who I was, and then have me come home, who I am. I also wonder if my mom misses that Georgia like I do.

I miss home.

A life of excitement

A lot of people ask me how I am able to wake up excited every morning, even though I know I will be doing the same thing.

NEWS FLASH: I never do the same thing twice, I never have the same day. It doesn't matter if I fill today's hours the same as I did yesterdays, there is always something new and exciting about it. New faces, new worlds. Maybe its the same words repeated, but the influx in the voice was different. To me, life is new, every day.

Maybe you're thinking that I don't understand, and maybe I don't. From the same perspective, maybe you don't understand.

What are your first thoughts when you wake up? Are they positive? Are they negative?

"I don't wanna get upppppppp"

Yeahhhh girl, SAAAMMMEEEE.

Instead though, I hop out of bed and I'm like "YYYEEESSSS I GET TO LISTEN TO THAT SONG I'VE BEEN DIGGING"

Its small, its weird, but it actually really excites me and all of and sudden I'm out of bed and turning on my speaker and dancing my way to the bathroom. It SUCKS that I just got out of bed and I'm already tired, but I refuse to allow myself to be discouraged.

I understand that I don't always have to be at 100, I also understand that things are sometimes really bad. Like when you wake up and realize that you're gonna be late, or you're half way to school and you get dizzy and remember you forgot breakfast, or you forgot your backpack or your homework and all of a sudden your perfect day that was mapped out perfectly is officially ruined because you can't go to school without your backpack and now you have to legally drive a little faster so you're not late and its the second week of classes and your teacher is gonna think you're a slacker and that will be your reputation for the rest of college.

My typing got progressively faster as I thought about that scenario, which has yet to happen, because I make lists (thank you, mom)

Anyways. Why look at that as something negative? That's an adventure. Like, you're some top-secret spy, racing against the clock to get a bomb to a safe shelter and the clock is ticking, and all these roadblocks keep popping up and you gotta be all ninja and get them out of the way. BOOM. UPGRADE. That little $3000 beater you bought used from your neighbor for college, just became a little Italian car. SLIDE YO SHADES ON AND OWN THE DAY.

I mean, I could be crazy. Maybe that's why my days are so interesting. Or maybe I'm just really optimistic and I refuse to let life get me down. Its life, man. Things are gonna happen. Its your attitude that is going to determine the outcome. Maybe you weigh your options and you really can't go back for your homework, so you walk into class and you have two options. You can pretend like "oh shucks, I just had it, I swear" or you could explain to your teacher what happened. Maybe you didn't even do your homework. Like, that's bad. Please do your homework.

My point is, you are not in control of what happens today. You really aren't, no matter how hard you try. What you are in control of, though, is how you react to it. Life doesn't have to be obligatory, it doesn't have to be boring. Yes, I am young. I'm young mentally, I'm young physically. My scenarios are different from my moms. Different form my host sisters or brothers, my circumstance is different from the neighbors and the kids who live in medical lake and just came here for a football game.

Responsibility changes, obligation, priorities, ideas, believes... All of that changes. Some of it changes daily. Life is about perspective. You cant choose whats going to happen, but you do choose if you're going to let it be a growing opportunity, or just another thing you have to deal with.

So tell me, are you going to wake up tomorrow morning, and groan that you have another work meeting? Or are you going to wake up and listen to that song that has been stuck in your head? MAybe all you need is a kitchen dance session.....

Who are you when no one is watching?

Just Another Day in the Life

I'm currently sitting on the couch in the living room, the fresh light of day seeping through the sheer window covers. No classes on Wednesday :)

All my homework is done, the only thing I need to finish, is my cocoa before it gets too cold. My weighted blanket is keeping me warm in the brisk fall air, and I've got on thick crew socks. Tonight, I will be going out to a fancy restaurant, playing dress up, with my boyfriend of 8 1/2 months.

Wow. What a perfect life.

Which actually is kinda true. My life is perfect, but not because there is no bad things. Classes started a couple weeks ago, and let me tell you. I feel like everything I learned in school, is wrong. One of our most recent assignments was to write a thesis on why education is good, so I wrote a thesis like all of my teachers have taught me. It was clear, my view was evident, I used adequate vocabulary, I had three solid, provable points. I was glowing as I turned it in.

Later, in class, he gave us our papers back and asked us if anyone had a non-debatable thesis. Upon closer inspection, I realized that you really couldn't debate my thesis. I raised my hand and read it to the class. There were lots of head nods, everyone was in agreement with my thesis. That, in itself, was the issue.

Now, don't get me wrong. I cam to college because I know I'm not the best writer, I'm not a perfect writer, and I haven't explored writing to the full extent that I am so eager to do. I am loving having direction, being challenged. It would be boring if my professor just told me that it was perfect and that I didn't need to change anything. What would even be the point of college?

Humbled, is genuinely what I felt when he told me, in front of the whole class, that I need to be more assertive in making a point. That I needed to be more controversial.

I'm too agreeable? Since when was that a bad thing???????

I saw that I had two options. I could feel hurt, talk to my professor about how he must have made a mistake or maybe I didn't hear him right, or I could take that criticism and go with it. I chose the latter. How can I make my writing more assertive? How can I write something that people are going to disagree with? How do you combine facts and opinion so that you're writing a factual paper that gets across your point in a debatable manner????????? Guess I get to learn!!!!

He told us that the point of an essay is to explore a question, or a solution... Basically an idea that you develop through your paper. Challenge yourself, and your own idea. Investigate, ask questions, become an expert on what you're writing about. Once you understand the rules of the game, you can play it a little different.

SO today, I'm challenging you, maybe you're good at what you do, but how can you be better? Are your eyes open to opportunities to grow? Life is school. Everyday you wake up and you get ready for school, even if you're going to stay on the couch and binge Netflix. You're learning something, be it about yourself and your behavior, others and their behaviors, or maybe you're going to watch a two hour documentary on killer whales at sea world. If you're open to it and willing to find it, there are learning opportunities everywhere. 

So keep growing! There has never been a better day to begin a life of discovery, than today!!

Jacob

Just a forewarning. I haven't even started writing yet and I'm already crying. I miss my little brother.

Friendship. Like. Face masks and ice cream. Companionship. Like mud fights while changing pipe. Loyalty. Like backing each other up.

Yet so much more than words could ever describe. Yes, Jacob was my best friend.

Red Bull and Cardi B. That's how Jake and I did it. All the drives to the lake and my grandpas house. Loud music, and Red Bull or Peace Tea. We'd roll the windows down and sing loud, or yell over the music to talk to each other.

The day I graduated, Jacob went up to the lake and jumped off the dock, fully clothed. Then we walked into R&R, soaking wet, and got fries and a shake. He also took me to prom, and we went to the place and got fries and a shake. We had traditions, I guess.

I don't think it really hit either of us that I was leaving till one day we were driving back from the lake, about to go change pipe, and Jake asked if I wanted to sing camp songs while we worked.

I was like "heck yeah. Lets finish like we started"

And the car got really quiet. You could almost hear the "oof" that came with that statement.

We do everything together. We run (well he runs, I complain. But I always end up really glad I went for the run with him), we work, we play, we facemask and have mud fights. We took piano lessons together and camped in the yard and we go for late night walks and lay in the middle of the road, stargazing together. When we fight, its brutal, but we always end up on the same team, and we hardly ever fought. He knows my secrets and I know his. He made an embarrassing speech about me at my graduation, and said "amen" when Matt (our youth pastor) said it was my last Sunday at ECC as a youth group member.

We spent as much time together this summer as we could. We were at the store getting our Peace Tea, and the lady who works there said that Jake and I sure do spend a lot of time together, and before I could say anything, he told her that we are best friends and that I was leaving soon and he wanted to spend as much time with me as he could before I left.

Jake hated it when I cried. Any time I cried, for any reason, but we cried together the day I left for college.

Jacob has grown into an amazing young man. I know he will probably not like this entire post because I am being mushy and emotional, but Jake can deal. I am really proud of him. Just as much time we spent together laughing, we also spent together being each other's support group. It was not just rainbows and peace tea. He worked hard every day so I didn't have to. He made sacrifices in his own life so I could get a job in town and focus on myself. He gave a lot up for me. Not just time either. He gave up opportunities, although there were times when we both got the opportunity and we rocked the world.

He grew up fast, but he grew up strong and I can not express my gratitude or love for that kid. I miss him like crazy. He posted on Facebook that walmart wasn't as fun without me, but nothing is as fun without him. I can't wait to come home and see you. We are going to have an amazing time.

Adventure Time!!

Do any of you remember a few months back when I asked you if you thought I should go to Portland or Bend for college?

Well I actually went to Spokane.

Sorry that my posts have been so sparse this summer! I went on so many crazy adventures and trips, I have things to say about bravery and friendship with a brother and my process of growing up in the last three months from graduation to now....

I'll get all that done. Eventually. I swear.

Right now, I'm going to talk about the past week.

Its really weird, walking out of your room. Its something we do so many times, every day, and yet one day, you walk out, and you know the next time you walk in, it will be different. I closed the door on my freshly made bed, my swept floors, and empty closet. I dragged a 50 pound suitcase to my car, the last of the bags I would be taking to college with me, and started my car.

I knew it wasn't the last time I'd be in wallowa county. I knew I'd be back in just a few weeks  to watch a friend of mine be baptized, but it still felt weird. My brother and I sat in silence. Coming home again or not, we both knew that our childhood together was over. We hit the rattlesnake grade and turned up the tunes though. One last jam session together, yeah? My parents followed behind. we crossed the Oregon/Washington state line, smiling.

I'm currently living with family friends. It felt like just another sleepover the first night, but watching my parents drive away from me the next day after college orientation was like watching a part of me walk away. I honestly miss home. I haven't cried that much. I've been pretty busy this week with taking care of getting a bank and a job and switching over to my own phone plan, and being drug around with Rachel and dates with William.

I've called my mom for more advice in the past few days than I have in 16 years combined. Which phone plan? Which bank? Are checks or debit cards a better idea? Credit Union or bank? I've been making choices this week I didn't even know I had. I've been doing extensive research and updating my spread sheet of costs and budgeting, basically daily as I gather new information. What do I need? Where can I cut costs?

I like lists. I like knowing whats up and I like having a schedule. I like plans. I kinda feel like I'm waking up in the mornings to wait now. I want classes to start. I was a job. Why do I have to wait? Why do I have to be patient? I like things to happen fast. My plan for moving to Spokane was to have a job and a phone plan and a bank all figured out by the first couple days, start work on the next monday, and be occupied with something that contained visible purpose, daily. Its hard for me to slow down and relax and just be ok with how things are. College hasn't even started yet and I'm already learning a lot.

Its annoying, why can't things just work on my time? LIke. Come on dude. I had a plan. A PLAN. Will you please follow it with me? I know I'm making progress and getting things in order but it feels like I'm sitting still and I am so bored.

Don't get me wrong though. This whole adventure is so exciting. I'm learning to drive in the city! I'm learning to navigate some low-level adulthood! I'm learning independence! Making choices!! I live in SPOKANE. MY FAV PLACE EVER. College will be an adventure and I am so excited to bring you guys along with me!!

Melting candles

Survival 101:

Keep your head low. Don’t make eye contact. Stay small, stay out of the way. Stay quiet. Your exuberance is annoying. No one likes it. Stop shaking, you’re not 4, people shouldn't scare you.

Georgia, stop. Be quiet. STOP. People are staring. Just stop thinking. Stop Being.

I was 14 years old, my head was a mess. Crippling social anxiety plagued my thoughts.

I’d been trained by my peers since I was in the first grade.

Be a good girl, Georgia. Follow the rules we made for you. No one likes you, no one wants to be around you. I was not used to anybody wanting to be my friend. I wasn't used to people wanting to be around me. Why would they want to be? I was annoying and loud. I was distracted and too enthusiastic. I was inconvenient, a party crasher.  I sat alone on busses, kids whispered rumors about me. I was weird.

4H camp, 2013. I was so scared. I was going to be one of the oldest girls, attending for the first time. I didn’t know anyone, and everyone I knew, didn’t like me. I was expecting more rumors. Homesickness. Why on earth would my mom subject me to this insufferable, unusual, and cruel torture? I’d been in 4-H since I was 11, but I was perfectly fine staying in my little shell, where I couldn’t disturb the people. I felt bad enough that they had to deal with me during fair and spring comp.

4H camp lit something inside me me, and it just so happened to burn hot enough to start melting years upon years of self-protective walls that make bank vaults easy to break into.

The next year, I came back as a counselor. I started traveling with the OSU 4-H summer conference in Corvallis, Oregon. Kids wanted to hang out with me. They called my name across court yards and it didn’t sound like the most horrible word imaginable. I was still scared. I was shy. I wasn’t good at hanging out or remembering to tag along or speak up. I mean, kids were liking me. Why would I mess that up and open my mouth?

I kept melting. Confidence was finding its way into my head. Summer had finally come into my heart after years and years of frigid fear. I tried out for the Wallowa County 4-H court, and then got the position. The girls on the team weren't close with me, but we went on so many adventures across Oregon. I started changing my words from “I’m sorry” to “I worked for this.” I stopped trying to make myself so small that you couldn’t see me.  Slowly, I crawled out of myself.

4-H was burning inside of me. Pushing me outside of my small comfort zone. By 2015, I was creating my own community service projects, gaining momentum, I did a state talent show at the OSU summer conference, and my confidence skyrocketed. People were chanting my name. They cared about what I thought.

Suddenly, I crashed. My confidence hit the floor. I started avoiding people. Their affection for me couldn’t be real. I’m Georgia. The black plague. The girl with a skin problem. The loud one with too much school spirit and enthusiasm. I started questioning the authenticity of relationships I had built. I fabricated a shield. Y’all thought I was fake? I’ll show you fake.

I knew my over excited mannerisms pushed people away, so I turned it up to a 10 and tired TOO hard. I became flippant. Pfffff no one ACTUALLY cared how I was, so i just faked a smile, a laugh. Played the part that a pretty girl ought to, while being it TOO much. I SPARKLED in my armor. I was overly sparklie. No one likes gaudy sparkle. So guess what I was?

I was at summer conference, hanging out with a group of kids, and one of them looked me dead in the eye. He looked at me like he knew something. Like he knew that my efforts at happiness were completely and overly intentional.   It sent shivers down my spine. I can still remember.

“This isn’t you.”

Just like that, and somehow it dropped. Not instantly, but I could just feel it. I was exhausted. For a while, it felt like there were two people living inside of me. I wanted friends, I wanted relationship, but I was so scared. What if I got rejected? What if it turns out that this was a cruel joke? An act of charity?

Haha Georgia. You actually believe that we liked you? Pathetic.

OH my gosh. I can still feel the fear making my body shake. I remember my rules, I remember the faces of the kids sneering at me. I can remember the kids of my class laughing at me while they treated me like trash, and I took it because I wanted friends so bad.

Flash forward a couple years, and here we are. I had friends through 4-H, all over the nation. I confidently give public speeches. I’m blazing trails for kids like me, that feel alone, feel hated. Have shields up. Three years ago, I didn’t see myself here. Three years ago, I couldn’t see myself getting out of my own prison. 4-H helped me liberate myself. It took one single 4-Her to make me stop long enough for the real me to be heard. It took a group of five kids to help melt me. It took leaders, supportive peers, it took adventure.

4-H is more to me than a club. Or a bunch of clubs. 4-H is a home. It’s a support system. It’s a school. 4-H is more than livestock projects, sewing meetings, and memorised speeches. 4-H is growth, a liberator. Without 4-H, I wouldn't have had the opportunities to push myself and build the confidence to stand on my own. Without 4-H, I wouldn’t be who I am.

Purpose

It had to start young. 

If I had ever felt like part of the group, part of the school, the team. I never would have had the opportunity to go to the Alternative school. I didn’t see it then. Heck, I was a third grader. I remember it. I remember staring at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, home sick for Washington, but I knew. God would not have sent me here if He didn’t have a plan. I knew I was going to make a change. A real change. I just knew it. 

That didn’t make dealing with it any easier. At all. I lost sight of that eventually. I forgot that I knew something good had to come out of this, as the pain of missing *home* took over, and I was consumed in self doubt. 

I graduated three weeks ago, and this weekend I watched  my best friends graduate from Lake Side High School. It was an amazing weekend. I got to spend time with their class. I was honestly shocked. We all laughed together and played this crazy game and it was so good. And I was reminded of how much I really missed Washington. 

Let me explain though cause if you even knew we lived in Washington, you’d probably think I was crazy for missing it. I left in the first grade!! 

I was so excited. The day my mom said we were leaving, I was like “BOOH YEAH!” And started running around my house, telling it that I wouldn’t miss those walls. I remember the first time we drove over. I fell asleep right outside of Colfax, and didn’t wake up till we were almost there. It felt like a 15 minute drive! Yeah well. It was closer to 4 or 5 hours. We got to enterprise, and the distance of my *safe place* started weighing on me. 

I know I was little, but I honestly have so many good memories from Colfax. My sister and I used to run around in my moms *fairy garden* and pretend to be fairies and hide from people who drive by on the road. I remember dance classes and sock parties on the hardwood floor in my and my brothers room. I remember my kindergarten and pre school teachers. I remember trips to the mall with my mom and dad. I remember stopping by les Schwab with my mom to see my dad. It just felt like everything was so much better in that little world. 

Here, the kids were harsh. Our house was small. There was no fairy garden. Enterprise didn’t sparkle like Washington did. Our school didn’t even have a pool. It haunted me for YEARS. I remember up until the end of sixth grade, I fully planned on moving back to Colfax. I had kids sign a little paper at the end of each school year, planning on not seeing them ever again. Well. I always ended up back at the doors of EHS for my first day, the next year. 

I guess I just gave up on that at some point, although I don’t remember when. And it still feels like coming home every single time I go to the Colfax/Spokane area. I don’t know why. However, Spokane will soon be my home, and I know in my heart that the third grader inside of me is ECSTATIC. 

The point is. God was preparing me. I couldn’t have gone to the Alt ed, and made such amazing friendships. Such amazing memories. I wouldn’t have met Maria or any of those kids, who each individually has inspired a part of me that is determined to work with the youth of the nation on a huge scale. I did make a change. Or, I inspired one. 

I couldn’t have made it so that EHS Alt kids could play sports without the help of my mom and dad and faculty. I couldn’t have walked with the kids of EHS without the same support. And it took a whole village of kids to slowly change the way that EHS perceived Alt ed kids. 

The point of this is, maybe you miss home right now. Maybe it hurts a lot and you feel hopeless and you kinda wanna just give up, because what’s the point? But I’m telling you. Hold on. There is a difference to make. There is change to inspire. You have to do what you have to do and sometimes it’s hard. Really, really hard. 

I think that it’s actually about perspective. Because I can look at things and see two perspectives. I could look at my 12 year school career and think to myself “the world owes me” or I could look at it and think “I’ve been equipped with so much resilience and experience. I can use this to do something amazing”. I personally enjoy choosing the latter of the two. I’ve been given so so much. It’s time for me to give back. I’m so excited to serve God with all the tools and insights and experiences that He has given me. 

I Did It!

Hey guys!! I did it!! I GRADUATED!!!!!! 

First of all, I just want to say thank you to my mom who has been my best friend since day one. We've had our differences. We have had our issues and our fights, but in the end, you're always the one pulling me closer when I'm kicking at you to get away. Without your unconditional love, I would never have made it this far. 

Reflection time!! 

As you guys know, I have not had the best time in school. Friends weren't my thing, grades weren't either...basically I was just bad at school.

Kinda. 

I had to work a lot harder than most kids. I felt isolated and alone for most of my school career, but this is not a sad story. This is a story of victory. So lets start at the beginning and recount all the good memories. Here's to you, School, and all the lessons you taught me without even knowing it. 

In the first grade, I got 100% on almost all of my spelling tests. I'd come home from school, walking hand in hand with my big sister, knowing that my mom and brother probably had apple fritters waiting for us when we got there. 

In the second grade, I met Amy, who turned out to be one of my best friends. We fell apart for a while, but then this year on the cheer team, we had a lot of laughs together, and second grade really just started an amazing friendship. I still remember convincing our moms to drive us to each-others house at 6 AM. Still not sure how we pulled that off. 

In the third grade, I remember learning how to crack my first egg, and my mom let me crack eggs after that. I also got glasses, which I loved to death, and had a really sparkly pair of converse, and honestly, what makes life better than sparkly shoes? Nothing. Except Jesus, of course. 

In the fourth grade, Amy and I did the talent show to a song for the newest Hannah Montana movie. hoe-down throw down. We laughed together a lot. Mrs. Findly was an amazing teacher, if you read my blog, thank you. You were amazing. I can't express the impact you truly had on my life. 

FIFTH GRADE. I caught my passion for writing. I remember having to write essays and short stories and book reports and state testing and poetry competitions. I always just wanted to push. To read more, be better. Expand my vocabulary. Mrs Fisher really pushed me in the direction of personal growth as well. Mrs. Fisher believed in me, a ton. She promoted my writing, encouraged me, and helped me feel like in a class of people who isolated me, she was my friend. Mrs Fisher, you have been one of my absolute favorite teachers, ever. you taught me so much. Thank you. 

Sixth grade was a year of discovery. I met another two friends of mine, Lucy and Nodya. We were like, instant besties. Sorta. The start of the friendship Lucy and I had with Nodya is funny, but not instant best friends, lol. That was a good friend year. 

Seventh grade. Did not do so well in school. BUT. I did get to see my best friend from Russia, and I mean best friend. We've been friends since like, third grade? I also got a horse. Rachel and I fought over whos horse was taller and faster. Lots of races. I got to see her every day. It was also a good friend year. 

Eight grade, my family took a trip to Montana. It was so cool. We all got in the yellow truck with a camp trailer and the dog and just drove. We went through Utah and Montana and we saw yellow stone and Jackson Hole and so many places that I don't even remember. I do remember Jacob, Madison, and I all laughing in the back seat, I remember stopping at the state lines and getting pictures as the asphalt changed color. 

My ninth grade year, I met Mr. Pace, who became a hugely motivational part of my high school career. I would like to apologize to Mr. Pace right now, because I know that I wasn't the best student, but you really inspired me. You were always a happy face. I know I must have been difficult to watch self-sabotage. Walking into your class every day was difficult, because I knew I wouldn't have homework to turn in, but you were so passionate about what you were teaching, and so positive and supportive. 

My sophomore year was hands-down, the hardest year I have had thus far. Yet I learned so much. I learned about pushing through hard times, I learned about strength, I learned about who I was, learned where my boundaries were. I was stripped to the core, and that let Jesus get a hold of me. I got baptized that summer. I let grace come in and change me, radically. 

My junior year, I was getting the hang of letting God be in control of my life, and learned to be okay with changing schools, which turned out to be such a blessing. I met Maria and found home in a school, when I had been so used to being cast out. 

My senior year. Lets see. I got to be on the cheer squad. More than that, I was a part of the cheer squad. They were my friends. I got to ride on top of a fire truck for homecoming, I got to practice and have a car wash, I got to travel with them. The football team made it to state play-offs. It was a year for the under dog. I also got to go to my first dance at another school. Josephs homecoming was great. I just strengthened my friendships at the alt school, made new friends, was pushed to look inside myself, I grew a lot, learned a lot, smiled A LOT. Senior year was so good, so much more than I ever had hope of having.

Thank you, Maria. You believe in a bunch of kids who have a hard time believing in themselves, and it makes a difference. You showed me a future I didn't believe in a year and a half ago. You took tears of deep pain, and made them tears of gratitude. You took inner strife and doubt, and turned it into potential to grow. 

Jeni, you were a gift. I've never felt challenged by having to think about my emotions. I've always perceived myself as someone who knows whats up with themselves. I've always seen myself as a just happy person. You challenged me to search myself in a way that led to a lot of truths and understandings and a heck of a lot of growth.

Ahaha and Michael I am so sorry. You are probably the most tolerant person I know. I was very difficult during math, trying to talk my way out of math assignments. I also asked if we could blog, like, every day. You always lightened the classroom though. You were really fun, and soooo supportive. When I was making up my math credits, you were always there to support me, even when I had haughtily said, only a moment before, that I knew what I was doing. 

Ms. Pinkerton, you made my dreams come true this year. Without you, I would never of had the opportunity to cheer again, or to walk with my class. My senior year was a dream. A true dream, and I have you to thank. Thank you for being there when I got my diploma, thank you for standing up for me, thank you for taking care of me. 

Okay I know this was a long blog post, but I have no idea how to fit all of what I want to say into a  post. I'm not sad that high school is over, just insanely grateful that I got to experience it, and come out a much stronger person than I could have ever imagined.