Yes! That is right! College. Because I am a senior. It still tickles me to think I am going to graduate high school. It just seemed like something that would never happen. Now I'm picking out colleges, trying to apply, and the reality of it all is crashing around me.
I'm not going to be able to come home every night and give my mom a hug. She wont be at the store with me, helping me pick out super smart food choices to make quick, healthy meals. I wont have to ask her if I can go out with friends. I'm going to be independent.
Yes, of course I have been independent in the past. I know I am capable of doing things. I am smart, and even if I don't know how to do something, I know I can learn. But this feels like a new kind of independence. Like I slammed the table and everything flew into the air, and now its stuck there with no support. I'm worried about jobs, paying for college, being able to balance school and work and being able to pay my bills. Also, what college do I go to? Do I go to the one with dorms and a meal plan, and a good creative writing course, or do I go to the college with no dorms or meal plans, but has a great creative writing? Or do I just ditch both those ideas and go farther away from home?
Are my fears irrational??
I am a smart, capable, young woman with the world ahead of her. I'm scared of being too scared to grab it. Now where does that get me? I honestly never pictured myself graduating. Not because I wasn't capable, I just never really thought about making it that far I guess.
Its my last year of cheerleading, my last year of track and my last year of sitting in a safe place where I know every inch of the town, people who support me literally surround me. Everyone in the county knows my dad, knows me. If my car breaks down, my dad is a phone call away. If I'm having a hard day, relief is a hug from my mom away.
Bend, Portland... both are huge. I don't visit either place frequently. Both are far from home, and I'm just jumping in!
Seriously, if you guys have any input, any questions I should be asking the colleges, tips on how you survived this journey, ideas on what to do. What were some things that went well for you? went bad? What were some things you wish you knew before you went to college? Drop in in the comments! PLEASE. This is really important to me and I would appreciate your insight so much. Thank you!
~xoxo G
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Will The Real Georgia Please Stand Up
I like reading. I pride myself on being able to read the entire Harry Potter series in a week. I love cuddling up with my mom to watch some lame show. I like letting the quiet settle around me like a warm blanket. I love cuddling with kittens and being intuitive and deep. I love big words and digging into the psychology of humans. I love having substance. I love being smart and thoughtful. I love having compassion and kindness. I love WANTING to do my chores. I love thinking about good things, and working hard and just letting my mind rest. I love that. I love listening to country music and driving slow. I love making my teachers and my parents proud.
But I get caught up in being this other person, and I don't even know them, and to be frank, I hate them. This person is loud, shes SO spunky. Like, yes. I love my spunk. But this chick? WAY TOO MUCH. Shes bouncing on the walls. No deep thought, no room for quiet. She is chaos. I can list of tons of designer brands, I know about models and makeup and pop culture and I'm constantly going. I have humiliated myself in front of my teachers. Saying something so totally dumb. I get so caught up being this other person, that I completely forget who the heck I am.
I take more time to take care of myself, than I do to take care of others. I get hurt when people point out flaws in a way to help me grow, not to insult. Its like I'm offended that someone could possibly be wanting to improve ME.
I know this sounds crazy, but I seriously have no idea how to control when it happens. She sits in my mind and whispers mean things to me, and it makes me sad. Then, I wake up and I'm in a bad mood because I instantly hate myself for not meeting my own impossible expectations. Its horrible. And I get to school and to cover up the fact that I don't really like myself, I'm all bouncing off the walls, or I'm snappy... and my teachers see a side of me that I never wanted them to see. The people around me meet a me that is not ME.
Then comes time to write an essay... and I want to prove that there is more to me. My teachers, parents, friends. They all talk about what a good writer I am, and I just put so much pressure on myself. Like, I feel like I should write something that the entire world is going to connect to and feel and understand. Something that is gonna change perspectives, bring the world to tears, and improve the lives of everyone. As a wonderful person told me once, not even Elvis made a #1 hit every time. Its such a struggle. Why am I trying to impress people still? Why can't I just settle into my beloved silence? Why do I feel such a need to be THE KID who will never ever let their guard down. The kid thats either ecstatic to be alive, or murdering people with a glare?
HEY G. WHERE ARE YOU?
To be honest, my makeup takes three minutes. All I know how to do is like, foundation, mascara, and blush. I can do my whole face in the time of one song. So why do I go to school and act like my face took 15 hours and a beauty squad. Obviously, I just look like me, because I do the same thing I do everyday. Why do I fill my life with appearance, rather than substance? I know who I really am. I'm sad though, because no one else does, and I'm making everyone else dislike me and my extremeness. I'm waiting. Searching for the real Georgia to please stand up. I am not a bad banana!!! I have Substance, I have character, deep thoughts, intellect, insight. I really did read the dictionary in the 5th grade, because I was proud of having a huge vocabulary (for a 5th grader...)
So who are you? I mean, really. Listen to yourself, not the rest of the world, and just tell me.
Who ARE you when your done being everyone else?
But I get caught up in being this other person, and I don't even know them, and to be frank, I hate them. This person is loud, shes SO spunky. Like, yes. I love my spunk. But this chick? WAY TOO MUCH. Shes bouncing on the walls. No deep thought, no room for quiet. She is chaos. I can list of tons of designer brands, I know about models and makeup and pop culture and I'm constantly going. I have humiliated myself in front of my teachers. Saying something so totally dumb. I get so caught up being this other person, that I completely forget who the heck I am.
I take more time to take care of myself, than I do to take care of others. I get hurt when people point out flaws in a way to help me grow, not to insult. Its like I'm offended that someone could possibly be wanting to improve ME.
I know this sounds crazy, but I seriously have no idea how to control when it happens. She sits in my mind and whispers mean things to me, and it makes me sad. Then, I wake up and I'm in a bad mood because I instantly hate myself for not meeting my own impossible expectations. Its horrible. And I get to school and to cover up the fact that I don't really like myself, I'm all bouncing off the walls, or I'm snappy... and my teachers see a side of me that I never wanted them to see. The people around me meet a me that is not ME.
Then comes time to write an essay... and I want to prove that there is more to me. My teachers, parents, friends. They all talk about what a good writer I am, and I just put so much pressure on myself. Like, I feel like I should write something that the entire world is going to connect to and feel and understand. Something that is gonna change perspectives, bring the world to tears, and improve the lives of everyone. As a wonderful person told me once, not even Elvis made a #1 hit every time. Its such a struggle. Why am I trying to impress people still? Why can't I just settle into my beloved silence? Why do I feel such a need to be THE KID who will never ever let their guard down. The kid thats either ecstatic to be alive, or murdering people with a glare?
HEY G. WHERE ARE YOU?
To be honest, my makeup takes three minutes. All I know how to do is like, foundation, mascara, and blush. I can do my whole face in the time of one song. So why do I go to school and act like my face took 15 hours and a beauty squad. Obviously, I just look like me, because I do the same thing I do everyday. Why do I fill my life with appearance, rather than substance? I know who I really am. I'm sad though, because no one else does, and I'm making everyone else dislike me and my extremeness. I'm waiting. Searching for the real Georgia to please stand up. I am not a bad banana!!! I have Substance, I have character, deep thoughts, intellect, insight. I really did read the dictionary in the 5th grade, because I was proud of having a huge vocabulary (for a 5th grader...)
So who are you? I mean, really. Listen to yourself, not the rest of the world, and just tell me.
Who ARE you when your done being everyone else?
Friday, November 24, 2017
Christmas
What other day is so spectacular that an entire month is dedicated to it? That people prepare for it, plan for it. That thousands of songs are written about it, and the world quite literally lights up for it?
Yeah. New Years is great, and we celebrate it for the night. Independence day is pretty neat, and we light fireworks one night (most of us, anyways) and have a boss BBQ that day. Halloween is pretty neat, and people dress up for it and kids plan costumes. The air changes. Communities open up their doors individually to give kids candy. And Thanksgiving. Well. Thanksgiving is often over-looked because next month, right behind it, is the shining star (but you know, you can't skip one day of being with your family and eating a huge mean to celebrate all that you have) but Christmas. CHRISTMAS.
Its not just a day on the calendar. Its in the air. Its truly in the heart. It becomes a PART of you. You can feel it. I know you can. Because its not just each of us doing something. Its each of us doing something TOGETHER. Its choirs meeting twice a week for the Christmas program at the churches and schools. Its the lights that the city hangs up, that the pedestrians hang up. Its the quiet fall of the snow, muffling all the noise of yard work and sidewalks, that only months ago could have cooked an egg. Its the cold shuffling, the frost biting your face. Its looking up at the sky and not being able to hold back a laugh that's been growing inside of you.
Life is like a song, yeah? Its beautiful and dramatic and sometimes its slow and quiet and peaceful, sometimes it makes you cry, or roll down your window and let the wind blow through your hair, singing with your best friend. Christmas is like the swell in the music. When all the love, the joy, the excitement and everything else tossed into this masterpiece comes together in a great, moving bubble. Its not the freedom of summer. Its the hum of something more. Because Christmas is something MORE.
People say its the season of miracles, because beautiful, amazing things happen. A community comes together, in a church, on the streets, in shops and behind the doors of homes. Warm fires are lit, while compassion warms the frosty air. The poor are fed lavish meals, toy boxes are set out so they can have presents, too. Operation Christmas Child, Operation Christmas Angel, Meals on Wheels... its the time of year when people get satisfaction from giving to others. When someone else smiles, at your expense, means more than any gift.
My heart fills with warmth. Christmas to me, is more than trees and lights and songs and the Christmas service at the church. Its time for me to remember to be thankful, to remember how thankful I should be. God sent His child to us. Soft and quiet, He was delivered into the world. The Kind of Kings, the Ancient of Days. He was given to us as the gift of all gifts. Emanuel. God is with us. He gave it all to us. Isn't it wonderful that we get to give back? I mean, I strive live my life, giving it all to God. Every day. But a season. Like, you could have frosting on the cake, ooorrrr you could just eat out of the container. Christmas is kind of like eating out of the container. Its all that wonderfulnes, concentrated into one thing.
OR LIKE, YOU COULD HAVE COOL WHIP ON COCOA, OR YOU COULD JUST GRAB A SPOON AND DIVE IN TO THE COOL WHIP. Hello, I don't know about you, but I'm going for the spoon.
Sorry. I got really excited because I just remembered we have both cocoa, and cool whip.
Anyways. We put a magnifying glass on all that we can do for the world. On all that we can DO for the world! I am so thankful that I have enough to give to others. Each year, my family picks four different charities, and we each get to donate a portion of our Christmas money to them. My personal favorite is Mercy Ships, because they do sort of what I want to do, except I can't be a doctor (Blood? No thanks). But there are so many out there! I love giving to our local food banks, helping deliver the food and gift boxes. Its so beautiful to give to others. Its beautiful to see how grateful these people are. I have SO MUCH. It really shows me how much I have.
And the family! Ahh. I love it. We are Italian, and there are a few of us. We don't get the opportunity to pack all of us in someones house all that often, but when we do? It's beautiful. I love it. I hang out with my aunts, girl cousins, and mom, while my dad and brother hang out with the dudes of the family. We have wonderful conversations about everything. The past, the present, the future. Sitting around those tables is where a lot of my career options, inspirations, and motivations have come from. Winter is cold, which instantly justifies snuggling with my mom, which I cant do in the summer because its so hot its insane. We also get to drive around and look at lights, packed into our truck, Christmas music playing softly, warm cookies on our laps, driving around. Or cocoa in our hands while we walk around the lights in Lewiston.
Christmas seriously just seems to bring us all closer. I'm not sure I am humanly possible to verbally or physically express what Christmas makes me feel inside. Its magical. A virgin birth. Whats more magical than that?
Yeah. New Years is great, and we celebrate it for the night. Independence day is pretty neat, and we light fireworks one night (most of us, anyways) and have a boss BBQ that day. Halloween is pretty neat, and people dress up for it and kids plan costumes. The air changes. Communities open up their doors individually to give kids candy. And Thanksgiving. Well. Thanksgiving is often over-looked because next month, right behind it, is the shining star (but you know, you can't skip one day of being with your family and eating a huge mean to celebrate all that you have) but Christmas. CHRISTMAS.
Its not just a day on the calendar. Its in the air. Its truly in the heart. It becomes a PART of you. You can feel it. I know you can. Because its not just each of us doing something. Its each of us doing something TOGETHER. Its choirs meeting twice a week for the Christmas program at the churches and schools. Its the lights that the city hangs up, that the pedestrians hang up. Its the quiet fall of the snow, muffling all the noise of yard work and sidewalks, that only months ago could have cooked an egg. Its the cold shuffling, the frost biting your face. Its looking up at the sky and not being able to hold back a laugh that's been growing inside of you.
Life is like a song, yeah? Its beautiful and dramatic and sometimes its slow and quiet and peaceful, sometimes it makes you cry, or roll down your window and let the wind blow through your hair, singing with your best friend. Christmas is like the swell in the music. When all the love, the joy, the excitement and everything else tossed into this masterpiece comes together in a great, moving bubble. Its not the freedom of summer. Its the hum of something more. Because Christmas is something MORE.
People say its the season of miracles, because beautiful, amazing things happen. A community comes together, in a church, on the streets, in shops and behind the doors of homes. Warm fires are lit, while compassion warms the frosty air. The poor are fed lavish meals, toy boxes are set out so they can have presents, too. Operation Christmas Child, Operation Christmas Angel, Meals on Wheels... its the time of year when people get satisfaction from giving to others. When someone else smiles, at your expense, means more than any gift.
My heart fills with warmth. Christmas to me, is more than trees and lights and songs and the Christmas service at the church. Its time for me to remember to be thankful, to remember how thankful I should be. God sent His child to us. Soft and quiet, He was delivered into the world. The Kind of Kings, the Ancient of Days. He was given to us as the gift of all gifts. Emanuel. God is with us. He gave it all to us. Isn't it wonderful that we get to give back? I mean, I strive live my life, giving it all to God. Every day. But a season. Like, you could have frosting on the cake, ooorrrr you could just eat out of the container. Christmas is kind of like eating out of the container. Its all that wonderfulnes, concentrated into one thing.
OR LIKE, YOU COULD HAVE COOL WHIP ON COCOA, OR YOU COULD JUST GRAB A SPOON AND DIVE IN TO THE COOL WHIP. Hello, I don't know about you, but I'm going for the spoon.
Sorry. I got really excited because I just remembered we have both cocoa, and cool whip.
Anyways. We put a magnifying glass on all that we can do for the world. On all that we can DO for the world! I am so thankful that I have enough to give to others. Each year, my family picks four different charities, and we each get to donate a portion of our Christmas money to them. My personal favorite is Mercy Ships, because they do sort of what I want to do, except I can't be a doctor (Blood? No thanks). But there are so many out there! I love giving to our local food banks, helping deliver the food and gift boxes. Its so beautiful to give to others. Its beautiful to see how grateful these people are. I have SO MUCH. It really shows me how much I have.
And the family! Ahh. I love it. We are Italian, and there are a few of us. We don't get the opportunity to pack all of us in someones house all that often, but when we do? It's beautiful. I love it. I hang out with my aunts, girl cousins, and mom, while my dad and brother hang out with the dudes of the family. We have wonderful conversations about everything. The past, the present, the future. Sitting around those tables is where a lot of my career options, inspirations, and motivations have come from. Winter is cold, which instantly justifies snuggling with my mom, which I cant do in the summer because its so hot its insane. We also get to drive around and look at lights, packed into our truck, Christmas music playing softly, warm cookies on our laps, driving around. Or cocoa in our hands while we walk around the lights in Lewiston.
Christmas seriously just seems to bring us all closer. I'm not sure I am humanly possible to verbally or physically express what Christmas makes me feel inside. Its magical. A virgin birth. Whats more magical than that?
Thursday, November 23, 2017
Thankful
Happy Thanksgiving! We should be thankful every day, and I honestly try to be. This is just a short post on some of the people I'm grateful for.
First and foremost, I would like to thank God, for giving me this life, and then protecting me. I have not been the easiest kid to keep on track, and I have defiantly not stayed on track. He has been my anchor, my strength, and often, my only hope.
I would also like to thank my amazing mother. She is the strongest woman I know. She has (quite successfully, I think) raised three children, met everyday with a smile, and kept going, even when all signs pointed to giving up. My mom has been my best friend since I can remember. We have cried together, laughed together, had fun girl weekends.. We mirror each other in sickness and in health. She understands me, works with me, her hugs can dissolve my anger. I have not been the easiest kid to raise, and she has never stopped loving me. Making choices that were right for me. Shes spent hours making Halloween costumes for me (even just this year!) makes special food for me, because I can't have gluten. Shes the first person I ever drove with, even though I know she was terrified. Shes the woman who makes it to all of my school functions to support me, the mom that takes care of me before cheer, dances, everything. My mom is my everything and I am so incredibly grateful to have her in my life.
I'm also grateful for my little brother. Hes like, six million feet tall. He can beat me in all of our wrestling fights, he can push me over without even trying. Hes big, hes intimidating, serious. Deep down though, is my brother. Hes the first to protect me. Even when I claim I don't need it. He makes me smile when I don't want to, his jokes are stupid and he can do this scream at a pitch that should not be legal for a man to do. Hes an amazing driver, good practice for when I need to sing over loud, annoying distractions, he is insanely smart and handsome. I know I annoy him a lot, and he hates it when I'm all emotional and mushy. Or when I'm singing. Or I get to the bathroom first in the morning. or when I walk into his room. But without him, no one would walk into my room without permission. No one would be so protective. No one would give me headaches in car rides, no one would ask me to braid their hair.
Jake is my best friend, and I am so grateful that I get him to yell at me to stop crying.
My dad and I have a lot of amazing memories together too. When I was little, I had rolled a perfect snowball with my dad, and we stored it under this huge pine tree to keep it safe. I remember Christmas tree hunting, sitting in the back of the white chevy, in all my snow clothes, wrapped in a blanket as we lumbered down the road. Or that one time the white chevy broke down and we had to walk to the closest house and he held my hand so I wasn't scared. I used to get really sick from driving down rattle snake grade, and my dad would always take it supper slow for me. We used to play this game in the car when we would turn on the country station and I'd guess which artist and song it was. My dad and I haven't always seen eye to eye, and we fight sometimes. but when I come home crying, he always has ice cream and a hug ready for me when he gets home. He takes good care of my car, and always warns me when its icy or cold or dangerous. My dad has always taken amazing care of me and I will always appreciate that.
Next is a huge thank you to all of my friends. Even the ones I don't talk to anymore. Each and every one of you has had an impact in my life. Each of you has been an amazing friend, and provided me with a beautiful growing opportunity. You've all built a part of me. Countless hours on the phone, the same team, hours spent laying in the grass, staring at stars we wished we could reach. Whispering secrets, drinking milkshakes. You've inspired thousands of smiles, wiped my tears, even while I wiped yours. Midnight dives into the pool, sleeping on the trampoline, the all-nighters, the brownies at 2 AM. The mutual support. Every broken heart. Each of you helped me grow in such different ways. You've enriched my life with every moment or ours together, and apart. I will forever be grateful for the pain and the joy.
Thank you to my teachers at Alt. Ed. You gave me a second chance, you never gave up on me. You support me, you find ways to promote my academic growth, your patient (especially you Michael, thank you for math :D) You teach me important life skills, people skills. You are helping me build my confidence. You're supporting my college dream. You are making my dreams into goals and my goals into actions. I wake up, excited to get to school. Excited to do my best. Excited to make you proud. I'm excited to sing with Maria and adult with Jenni. I'm excited to write with Cam and just grow and learn and absorb as much as I possibly can. I will never be able to tell you how much I appreciate you and all that you have done for me. Ever.
THANK YOU to my employer, Leslie. You make work so fun. It doesn't matter what kind of day I'm having, you just make things better. I love our dance parties, I love the food, the talks. Ruby Peak is one of my favorite places to be. You are an amazing, beautiful person and I honestly just enjoy being around you. I always learn something. Every day. It doesn't matter if no one walks in the door and asks about natural remedies, I learn how to relax, how to let go, how to laugh and smile and just be Georgia, in public! I love working for you, and I love you. Its gonna be hard saying goodbye!! I am forever appreciative of you.
ECC!!!! THANK YOU!!!! You guys have always been so amazingly supportive. You've promoted my singing dream, your helping me peruse my passions, your my safe place, your my happy place. The way the light comes through the windows, the people filling the space. The complete atmosphere. I just feel so grounded, so complete. So close to God. Everyone is so full of love. you find ways to include me and the rest of the youth. Hopefully, we are headed into Texas over spring break. I can't een put my gratitude into words. Thank you. Thank you SO SO SO much.
And to my blog readers. Thank you. You have no idea. This blog started as an empty chat room I talked to myself and now its this beautiful thing where people are supporting me through everything. You guys are so amazing and beautiful. Thank you so much. Why don't you drop what your thankful for in the comments?
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
First and foremost, I would like to thank God, for giving me this life, and then protecting me. I have not been the easiest kid to keep on track, and I have defiantly not stayed on track. He has been my anchor, my strength, and often, my only hope.
I would also like to thank my amazing mother. She is the strongest woman I know. She has (quite successfully, I think) raised three children, met everyday with a smile, and kept going, even when all signs pointed to giving up. My mom has been my best friend since I can remember. We have cried together, laughed together, had fun girl weekends.. We mirror each other in sickness and in health. She understands me, works with me, her hugs can dissolve my anger. I have not been the easiest kid to raise, and she has never stopped loving me. Making choices that were right for me. Shes spent hours making Halloween costumes for me (even just this year!) makes special food for me, because I can't have gluten. Shes the first person I ever drove with, even though I know she was terrified. Shes the woman who makes it to all of my school functions to support me, the mom that takes care of me before cheer, dances, everything. My mom is my everything and I am so incredibly grateful to have her in my life.
I'm also grateful for my little brother. Hes like, six million feet tall. He can beat me in all of our wrestling fights, he can push me over without even trying. Hes big, hes intimidating, serious. Deep down though, is my brother. Hes the first to protect me. Even when I claim I don't need it. He makes me smile when I don't want to, his jokes are stupid and he can do this scream at a pitch that should not be legal for a man to do. Hes an amazing driver, good practice for when I need to sing over loud, annoying distractions, he is insanely smart and handsome. I know I annoy him a lot, and he hates it when I'm all emotional and mushy. Or when I'm singing. Or I get to the bathroom first in the morning. or when I walk into his room. But without him, no one would walk into my room without permission. No one would be so protective. No one would give me headaches in car rides, no one would ask me to braid their hair.
Jake is my best friend, and I am so grateful that I get him to yell at me to stop crying.
My dad and I have a lot of amazing memories together too. When I was little, I had rolled a perfect snowball with my dad, and we stored it under this huge pine tree to keep it safe. I remember Christmas tree hunting, sitting in the back of the white chevy, in all my snow clothes, wrapped in a blanket as we lumbered down the road. Or that one time the white chevy broke down and we had to walk to the closest house and he held my hand so I wasn't scared. I used to get really sick from driving down rattle snake grade, and my dad would always take it supper slow for me. We used to play this game in the car when we would turn on the country station and I'd guess which artist and song it was. My dad and I haven't always seen eye to eye, and we fight sometimes. but when I come home crying, he always has ice cream and a hug ready for me when he gets home. He takes good care of my car, and always warns me when its icy or cold or dangerous. My dad has always taken amazing care of me and I will always appreciate that.
Next is a huge thank you to all of my friends. Even the ones I don't talk to anymore. Each and every one of you has had an impact in my life. Each of you has been an amazing friend, and provided me with a beautiful growing opportunity. You've all built a part of me. Countless hours on the phone, the same team, hours spent laying in the grass, staring at stars we wished we could reach. Whispering secrets, drinking milkshakes. You've inspired thousands of smiles, wiped my tears, even while I wiped yours. Midnight dives into the pool, sleeping on the trampoline, the all-nighters, the brownies at 2 AM. The mutual support. Every broken heart. Each of you helped me grow in such different ways. You've enriched my life with every moment or ours together, and apart. I will forever be grateful for the pain and the joy.
Thank you to my teachers at Alt. Ed. You gave me a second chance, you never gave up on me. You support me, you find ways to promote my academic growth, your patient (especially you Michael, thank you for math :D) You teach me important life skills, people skills. You are helping me build my confidence. You're supporting my college dream. You are making my dreams into goals and my goals into actions. I wake up, excited to get to school. Excited to do my best. Excited to make you proud. I'm excited to sing with Maria and adult with Jenni. I'm excited to write with Cam and just grow and learn and absorb as much as I possibly can. I will never be able to tell you how much I appreciate you and all that you have done for me. Ever.
THANK YOU to my employer, Leslie. You make work so fun. It doesn't matter what kind of day I'm having, you just make things better. I love our dance parties, I love the food, the talks. Ruby Peak is one of my favorite places to be. You are an amazing, beautiful person and I honestly just enjoy being around you. I always learn something. Every day. It doesn't matter if no one walks in the door and asks about natural remedies, I learn how to relax, how to let go, how to laugh and smile and just be Georgia, in public! I love working for you, and I love you. Its gonna be hard saying goodbye!! I am forever appreciative of you.
ECC!!!! THANK YOU!!!! You guys have always been so amazingly supportive. You've promoted my singing dream, your helping me peruse my passions, your my safe place, your my happy place. The way the light comes through the windows, the people filling the space. The complete atmosphere. I just feel so grounded, so complete. So close to God. Everyone is so full of love. you find ways to include me and the rest of the youth. Hopefully, we are headed into Texas over spring break. I can't een put my gratitude into words. Thank you. Thank you SO SO SO much.
And to my blog readers. Thank you. You have no idea. This blog started as an empty chat room I talked to myself and now its this beautiful thing where people are supporting me through everything. You guys are so amazing and beautiful. Thank you so much. Why don't you drop what your thankful for in the comments?
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
Friday, November 17, 2017
Alone
I am completely surrounded. I've got amazing, supportive friends on one side of me, and a beautiful, wonderful family on the other. I've got God in my heart, my past mistakes to push me forward, and future potential pulling me to tomorrow. yet here I stand, once again, feeling alone.
I feel like between me and the rest of the world, there is a huge disconnect. I think different, I feel different, I do different things. I laugh different at different things. No one is secluding me, or leaving me out, or intentionally making me feel the space. It's just there. I'm better at reading books than taking to humans. I stutter through sentences, say "Merry Christmas" because I get nervous and I don't know or remember what else today. I don't know how to "Just grab some coffee" with them. I'm too excited. I'm not used to going out with 17 girls and laughing in Subway. I'm not used to having 17 girls talk to me, or pay attention to me in a positive way.
These girls, or just humans in general. They know how to act. They know how to drive in their cars with 6 other people, jamming out to music. My car stereo is broke and I drive alone. I don't get ready for dances with other girls. My mom gives me a hug and a kiss as I run out the door. I don't get ready for cheer with other girls. Again, a hug and a kiss and a "you look amazing" before I run out the door. At first it was kinda like "oh yeah, I got my own grind and I do my own thing and I work hard and all of that" but now I kinda just wish I had someone to go to Lagrande with and get Dutch Bros and take selfies and paint nails and laugh with.
I just don't know how.
Its nothing against anyone. Seriously. I love the people in my life. You guys are all amazing and I am honestly so blessed. I just wonder why I am so totally not the girl with a car full of excited teens, off on an adventure. My mom and I pretty much stick together. I know she wants me to go make friends and be a teenager and live life, and I want that too! I just. I guess I don't know how. I don't have secret handshakes. If I'm in a snapchat video, its usually a mean girl making fun of me. It feels like the universe creates a bubble around me. I see the world, I interact with the world. I am IN the world. I'm just not really a solid part. No one can really get to me, and I cant really get to them, and no matter how close we all get, there is still that glass bubble in between us. I don't know. Does that make sense?
I'm working hard to push through it. God blessed me in other ways. I get to travel the country. I have ambitions to travel around the world and help with disaster relief, and share the stories of the people, person to person. I feel like I never relax around people, and that's probably a huge part of it. I'm either intensely focused on a mission, or intensely focused on being *normal*, or intensely aware that I am, in fact, so NOT normal that I can't hide it and its probably best to just add some gusto to it and make sure people CAN'T get close because I won't let them.
And then I'm like "OMG that is totally part of this whole problem"
Duh.
I try really hard to keep people away, and maybe its because I know I don't know how to have a normal relationship. You know how in cheerleading, they tell the flyer not to wiggle around and flail her arms and such so she doesn't knock out a base? Yes, well in this scenario, I'm flailing to make sure no one can get close enough to me to help me.
As I'm writing this, I'm having Epiphanies. No joke.
I've still got my armor up! I won't let people in. I don't know how to act normal because I am so worried someone might dislike me, or worse, like me, that I won't take it down and it shows SO CLEARLY. Holy smokes. That all makes sense! Of course I feel alone. I am different. I'm really different. I'm different because I'm making the distance. Now how do I take it down? My best friend of seven years even notices my walls. The other day she told me "you never just relax around me. Its so weird. When you get in the car, I swear I can actually feel the tension."
I don't feel alone at Ruby Peak, the place I work. Leslie, my employer, and I crank the tunes and dance and sing and I get to help customers and joke and laugh and I am for reals, just Georgia when I'm in there. It's wonderful and liberating, and I think that its actually helping me grow. Its helping me learn to relax. I think we all need a space in our lives like that. I'm just me in Ruby Peak, and the customers love it, the FedEx and UPS guys love it, Leslie loves it. I love it.
So yeah. That doesn't change that I feel alone. That driving home alone, going to the store alone, leaving practice alone, getting ready for dances and cheer events alone, painting my nails alone, drinking coffee, taking selfies, hanging out at school.. still makes me hurt really deep inside. Heck. I'll admit it. I cry. I cry because I feel so alone.
I love my mom. I honestly have the most amazing bond with my mom on earth. She has been wiping the tears from my face, hugging me after a hard day, and loving me since I was born. Shes been the coffee date, the 'jamming in the car to loud music', the mani/pedis, the girls nights, the hype crew before dances and football games. Shes been my mom and my best friend all in one person, and I thank her for that. I think we all know that there is a difference between having your mom as a best friend, and having another kid as your best friend. I just need to learn how to have a best friend.
Most important, I need to learn how to be a best friend. To relax and become susceptible to real human relationship. I am a fun person. Yeah, I'm a little crazy and wild and I like laughing more than fighting and I'm sensitive, and I feel things really deeply, and I am a bit awkward, but I can dance like nobody's business. I tell hilarious jokes and I can probably sing all the songs in your entire music library. I don't think I'm that great at taking slefies because it often feels like there is no good angle. But I'm also willing to wurk it, regardless. I love country music. I know a lot about things like fashion and coffee and hashtags, but I'm also really empathetic and caring and I love physiology. I suck at running, but I do it anyways (lol sometimes). Most important though, I'm still growing and learning. And I totally understand that I will be, for the rest of my life. I'm also a great listener.
So tell me, who are you when your done being everyone else?
I feel like between me and the rest of the world, there is a huge disconnect. I think different, I feel different, I do different things. I laugh different at different things. No one is secluding me, or leaving me out, or intentionally making me feel the space. It's just there. I'm better at reading books than taking to humans. I stutter through sentences, say "Merry Christmas" because I get nervous and I don't know or remember what else today. I don't know how to "Just grab some coffee" with them. I'm too excited. I'm not used to going out with 17 girls and laughing in Subway. I'm not used to having 17 girls talk to me, or pay attention to me in a positive way.
These girls, or just humans in general. They know how to act. They know how to drive in their cars with 6 other people, jamming out to music. My car stereo is broke and I drive alone. I don't get ready for dances with other girls. My mom gives me a hug and a kiss as I run out the door. I don't get ready for cheer with other girls. Again, a hug and a kiss and a "you look amazing" before I run out the door. At first it was kinda like "oh yeah, I got my own grind and I do my own thing and I work hard and all of that" but now I kinda just wish I had someone to go to Lagrande with and get Dutch Bros and take selfies and paint nails and laugh with.
I just don't know how.
Its nothing against anyone. Seriously. I love the people in my life. You guys are all amazing and I am honestly so blessed. I just wonder why I am so totally not the girl with a car full of excited teens, off on an adventure. My mom and I pretty much stick together. I know she wants me to go make friends and be a teenager and live life, and I want that too! I just. I guess I don't know how. I don't have secret handshakes. If I'm in a snapchat video, its usually a mean girl making fun of me. It feels like the universe creates a bubble around me. I see the world, I interact with the world. I am IN the world. I'm just not really a solid part. No one can really get to me, and I cant really get to them, and no matter how close we all get, there is still that glass bubble in between us. I don't know. Does that make sense?
I'm working hard to push through it. God blessed me in other ways. I get to travel the country. I have ambitions to travel around the world and help with disaster relief, and share the stories of the people, person to person. I feel like I never relax around people, and that's probably a huge part of it. I'm either intensely focused on a mission, or intensely focused on being *normal*, or intensely aware that I am, in fact, so NOT normal that I can't hide it and its probably best to just add some gusto to it and make sure people CAN'T get close because I won't let them.
And then I'm like "OMG that is totally part of this whole problem"
Duh.
I try really hard to keep people away, and maybe its because I know I don't know how to have a normal relationship. You know how in cheerleading, they tell the flyer not to wiggle around and flail her arms and such so she doesn't knock out a base? Yes, well in this scenario, I'm flailing to make sure no one can get close enough to me to help me.
As I'm writing this, I'm having Epiphanies. No joke.
I've still got my armor up! I won't let people in. I don't know how to act normal because I am so worried someone might dislike me, or worse, like me, that I won't take it down and it shows SO CLEARLY. Holy smokes. That all makes sense! Of course I feel alone. I am different. I'm really different. I'm different because I'm making the distance. Now how do I take it down? My best friend of seven years even notices my walls. The other day she told me "you never just relax around me. Its so weird. When you get in the car, I swear I can actually feel the tension."
I don't feel alone at Ruby Peak, the place I work. Leslie, my employer, and I crank the tunes and dance and sing and I get to help customers and joke and laugh and I am for reals, just Georgia when I'm in there. It's wonderful and liberating, and I think that its actually helping me grow. Its helping me learn to relax. I think we all need a space in our lives like that. I'm just me in Ruby Peak, and the customers love it, the FedEx and UPS guys love it, Leslie loves it. I love it.
So yeah. That doesn't change that I feel alone. That driving home alone, going to the store alone, leaving practice alone, getting ready for dances and cheer events alone, painting my nails alone, drinking coffee, taking selfies, hanging out at school.. still makes me hurt really deep inside. Heck. I'll admit it. I cry. I cry because I feel so alone.
I love my mom. I honestly have the most amazing bond with my mom on earth. She has been wiping the tears from my face, hugging me after a hard day, and loving me since I was born. Shes been the coffee date, the 'jamming in the car to loud music', the mani/pedis, the girls nights, the hype crew before dances and football games. Shes been my mom and my best friend all in one person, and I thank her for that. I think we all know that there is a difference between having your mom as a best friend, and having another kid as your best friend. I just need to learn how to have a best friend.
Most important, I need to learn how to be a best friend. To relax and become susceptible to real human relationship. I am a fun person. Yeah, I'm a little crazy and wild and I like laughing more than fighting and I'm sensitive, and I feel things really deeply, and I am a bit awkward, but I can dance like nobody's business. I tell hilarious jokes and I can probably sing all the songs in your entire music library. I don't think I'm that great at taking slefies because it often feels like there is no good angle. But I'm also willing to wurk it, regardless. I love country music. I know a lot about things like fashion and coffee and hashtags, but I'm also really empathetic and caring and I love physiology. I suck at running, but I do it anyways (lol sometimes). Most important though, I'm still growing and learning. And I totally understand that I will be, for the rest of my life. I'm also a great listener.
So tell me, who are you when your done being everyone else?
Friday, November 10, 2017
Suicide
If you've been following my blog, you are aware of my struggles with bullying. If not, and the title of this blog caught your attention, you should probably go back and read my last blog post.
I'm coming to you with this because its something that's been on my mind for a bit now.
When I was a sophomore in High School, things were rough. I'd already survived 10 years of relentless cruelty. My grades were horrible. I felt like I was the issue in every situation. At home, at school, in my friend triangles. I felt like it was wrong of me to feel like that, and how dare I, even for a second, think about myself. Because it WAS my fault, weather I thought so or not and it was time for me to just get over it and do something for someone else because I mattered the least on the face of this earth.
I was fueled by anger. I was angry that my mom was always mad at me. Mad that I was never enough. I was mad that everything was my fault. Mad that I cared. Mad that things hurt me. Mad that I cried because I should be stronger than all of that. I'm better than that. I hated myself, I hated my family. I just hated. I sat in dark, angry hatred. I was SO MAD.
I wanted to be alone. Just give me an hour! But even when I was alone, I was haunted by my parents voices.
"Of course she didn't do the dishes. She's the only one she cares about"
"shes being a baby"
"shes depressed. She feels so sorry for herself"
But it wasn't their words. It wasn't really them haunting my brain. I was inside my head. I was trapped in a world of constant chaos.
I was being abandoned by my friends, my family, everyone. I can't even explain it. I was so alone. SO forsaken. I was rock bottom. I was lower than rock bottom. I was desperate. Trapped inside of myself, clawing at the walls of my body to escape.
Suicide.
That's it. That's how I would escape.
Well obviously, I didn't. But I battled with it. It was a crazy fight, and one I fought alone. I heard my fake parents leering at me in my head:
"Of course she committed suicide. Shes too lazy to do anything else"
"She just wants attention."
"She was always so extreme."
"Just another bad choice"
All it did was make me hate myself, for being so pathetic. And my real parents. Because in my head, they were horrible.
I fought against myself. Most of me hated God, too. How could He let me go 10 whole entire years of unfathomable emotional pain. How could He let me go so long, so alone? How could He let my sister leave? HMM? I wanted answers! I knew God was there, but I was angry at Him. What a traitor.
Yet another part of me was crying out "Georgia, you know this isn't you!"
I remember one night in particular. I was having a hard time. I wasn't helping out around the house. I pretty much had straight F's and i was trying to convince myself I didn't care. I got into a fight with my mom. I had been dishonest and betrayed her trust, and the worlds just exploded from me.
"MOM. YOU KNOW THIS IS NOT ME. I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG BUT YOU KNOW THIS ISN'T ME."
I was desperate for her to understand that there was someone else inside of me that was not supposed to be there. It's been a long process. I became less suicidal after weeks of talking to a therapist, which I was adamant about not needing at first, talking to my mom. I had no secrets. She saw my scars. I told her what was going on. I transferred schools. I had to let go of so much. I had been a rubber band, trying to hold too much together and I was fraying and breaking quickly.
I transferred schools and said goodbye to everything I had known middle of last year, when I started my blog. Well. Not quite last year. February of 2017. I no longer keep things from my mom. She knows everything. I talk to her. I let her know when I hurt. When things are wrong. Yeah, we get in some pretty monumental fights. Not everything is okay and good. I'm healing. I think we all are. We've all got out bumps and bruises from running around, screaming with our eyes closed.
Lesson is: Suicide is not the answer. Talk to someone. Talk to your mom or a trusted teacher. Talk to SOMEONE. Even if its just a friend. Be prepared. Things sometimes get worse before they get better. Be prepared to feel alone and hurt, even after you talk to someone, but know, you're not in this alone. You are going to change the entire world.
I started this blog as an outlet. My original plan was to have braid tutorials, nail polish idea, basic things. But this thing has turned into an outreach that I never expected to have. I'm amazed everyday at the people who's lives I've touched. At the lives I continue to touch. I'm in awe of the beauty that I have been able to turn my pain, my turmoil, my issues, into. I was Morticia's bouquet of flowers, but my buds are growing back (Adams Family reference). I am so excited to keep growing. I'm so excited to keep shining light.
Don't give up. You've got a light to shine, and I am so SO excited to watch you light up the world. There is hope, no matter who you are, where you are, where you've been, or where you're going.
Disclaimer: My parents have always been extremely supportive. The dialog I gave as examples were words formed in my own head during the rough time. My parents have never belittled me like that.
I'm coming to you with this because its something that's been on my mind for a bit now.
When I was a sophomore in High School, things were rough. I'd already survived 10 years of relentless cruelty. My grades were horrible. I felt like I was the issue in every situation. At home, at school, in my friend triangles. I felt like it was wrong of me to feel like that, and how dare I, even for a second, think about myself. Because it WAS my fault, weather I thought so or not and it was time for me to just get over it and do something for someone else because I mattered the least on the face of this earth.
I was fueled by anger. I was angry that my mom was always mad at me. Mad that I was never enough. I was mad that everything was my fault. Mad that I cared. Mad that things hurt me. Mad that I cried because I should be stronger than all of that. I'm better than that. I hated myself, I hated my family. I just hated. I sat in dark, angry hatred. I was SO MAD.
I wanted to be alone. Just give me an hour! But even when I was alone, I was haunted by my parents voices.
"Of course she didn't do the dishes. She's the only one she cares about"
"shes being a baby"
"shes depressed. She feels so sorry for herself"
But it wasn't their words. It wasn't really them haunting my brain. I was inside my head. I was trapped in a world of constant chaos.
I was being abandoned by my friends, my family, everyone. I can't even explain it. I was so alone. SO forsaken. I was rock bottom. I was lower than rock bottom. I was desperate. Trapped inside of myself, clawing at the walls of my body to escape.
Suicide.
That's it. That's how I would escape.
Well obviously, I didn't. But I battled with it. It was a crazy fight, and one I fought alone. I heard my fake parents leering at me in my head:
"Of course she committed suicide. Shes too lazy to do anything else"
"She just wants attention."
"She was always so extreme."
"Just another bad choice"
All it did was make me hate myself, for being so pathetic. And my real parents. Because in my head, they were horrible.
I fought against myself. Most of me hated God, too. How could He let me go 10 whole entire years of unfathomable emotional pain. How could He let me go so long, so alone? How could He let my sister leave? HMM? I wanted answers! I knew God was there, but I was angry at Him. What a traitor.
Yet another part of me was crying out "Georgia, you know this isn't you!"
I remember one night in particular. I was having a hard time. I wasn't helping out around the house. I pretty much had straight F's and i was trying to convince myself I didn't care. I got into a fight with my mom. I had been dishonest and betrayed her trust, and the worlds just exploded from me.
"MOM. YOU KNOW THIS IS NOT ME. I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG BUT YOU KNOW THIS ISN'T ME."
I was desperate for her to understand that there was someone else inside of me that was not supposed to be there. It's been a long process. I became less suicidal after weeks of talking to a therapist, which I was adamant about not needing at first, talking to my mom. I had no secrets. She saw my scars. I told her what was going on. I transferred schools. I had to let go of so much. I had been a rubber band, trying to hold too much together and I was fraying and breaking quickly.
I transferred schools and said goodbye to everything I had known middle of last year, when I started my blog. Well. Not quite last year. February of 2017. I no longer keep things from my mom. She knows everything. I talk to her. I let her know when I hurt. When things are wrong. Yeah, we get in some pretty monumental fights. Not everything is okay and good. I'm healing. I think we all are. We've all got out bumps and bruises from running around, screaming with our eyes closed.
Lesson is: Suicide is not the answer. Talk to someone. Talk to your mom or a trusted teacher. Talk to SOMEONE. Even if its just a friend. Be prepared. Things sometimes get worse before they get better. Be prepared to feel alone and hurt, even after you talk to someone, but know, you're not in this alone. You are going to change the entire world.
I started this blog as an outlet. My original plan was to have braid tutorials, nail polish idea, basic things. But this thing has turned into an outreach that I never expected to have. I'm amazed everyday at the people who's lives I've touched. At the lives I continue to touch. I'm in awe of the beauty that I have been able to turn my pain, my turmoil, my issues, into. I was Morticia's bouquet of flowers, but my buds are growing back (Adams Family reference). I am so excited to keep growing. I'm so excited to keep shining light.
Don't give up. You've got a light to shine, and I am so SO excited to watch you light up the world. There is hope, no matter who you are, where you are, where you've been, or where you're going.
Disclaimer: My parents have always been extremely supportive. The dialog I gave as examples were words formed in my own head during the rough time. My parents have never belittled me like that.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
Wait, What?
"I'm so jealous of how you've always been so brave and not afraid to be yourself."
Wait, what?
Yes. I've been told this. Like, recently.
My initial reaction was like "Dude I've pretty much spent 9 or 10 years of my life trying to be a part of the 'group'!" and I was sorta ashamed to say that. So of course I did some self reflecting.
Bullying is a really big part of my youth. I grew up being bullied. Pretty much from the first day of first grade till now, I've been bullied. I was not strong in myself. I was not the one little kid that was being bullied and completely oblivious, dancing around on the playground like a little butterfly. NOPE. NOT ME.
No. I was hecka worried about being a part of the 'group' (BY THE WAY KIDS. I NEVER WAS. PLEASE. LISTEN, ABSORB, AND DON'T LOSE YOURSELF) My mom and I were talking the other day and she was like "The Group. Man, I hated that word. Every day after school you'd come home and tell me what the group said you had to do to be accepted!"
I don't remember much. I remember coming home crying pretty much every day after school (yes, for like 8 years. Not even kidding). I remember my little kid pep talks to myself:
"Okay Georgia. Its time to do it. You always say you want change, so LETS DO IT. You're done being Georgia. Lets be Nichole. Lets get fit and go back to school with everyone wanting to be our friend" as I rode my bike up and down my driveway, determined to be liked.
I remember thinking about how cool it would be if I could change my name and shave my head and come back to school a 'boy'. Maybe people would forget about Georgia and like ME instead! I remember buying things I thought the kids would like. I got matching glasses with a girl in my class, thinking it would help me be included in the group (I actually needed the glasses. It was just convenient to get the same ones as this other girl).
I remember the weight loss plans, the first time I wore eyeliner, because the other girls in my grade were. I got laughed at because my line was wobbly. In the 4th grade, I created an imaginary friend (Harry Potter) because I didn't have any one else and I got tired of sitting alone on the school bus. I felt disliked by my teachers. I knew my peers didn't like me. They reminded me every day.
I was not strong in myself. I dressed how I thought they wanted. I tried to stay out of their ways. I did everything I possibly could to be less hated. Everything.
Now I realize how wrong that was. We were FIRST GRADERS. I shouldn't have been asking my mom what was wrong with me. I shouldn't have been letting some 6 year old cut me in line so she could be closer to her friend, maybe giving me some brownie points. All I was, was a stupid doormat for everyone to walk on, and boy did I let them walk on me.
"I'll be better. I can be better. I just need to change this"
They didn't like me because they didn't want to.
I used to tell the new kids that they wouldn't stand a chance with the crowd if they hung out with me. I remember being told in the third grade that some girls had to hang out with me because their mothers had told them to. I was so excited that someone was hanging out with me. I remember thinking "Their mom knows what my mom has been telling me!" and I got to spend three days, here or there, hanging with the group.
Every kid goes through those days in junior high with the acne problems and bad hair and makeup. I remember my mom telling me almost every day "they are just as insecure as you are." "you are beautiful." "your good at writing." "you are an amazing drummer. Don't let those boys take your time away. You've earned it" I remember looking in the mirror and thinking "whats wrong with my skin?" I remember sitting at the drum kit, trying to stay true to what my mom said, and giving up as soon as their drum sticks left welts on my skin.
"Oh my gosh! You should have told someone!" Yeah, I know. I was scared. I didn't want to get the group in trouble. Plus, the times I did tell, nothing happened and I felt like a tatle-tale and that was no fun. I used to stand on top of the blacktop/ball wall platform at my school and write/sing songs all lunch recess. Or i glued myself to a pole that no one ever went to or played around. I'd just shy away. I mean, I don't think I was shy. I felt awkward giving presentations, standing in front of people who hated me. Performing in talent shows, knowing if I made one mistake, I'd be the talk of the town for WEEKS. Yes.
I was scared. Terrified. Yet, somehow, I did it anyways.
That is how I know I was not shy.
Hi. I'm Georgetta Nichole Falk. I'm 17 years old and I have slight social anxiety. Being in a large crowd scares me. I have a rough time letting people get close to me. I've had the worlds most amazing best friend since I was in the 4th grade (yes, shes a real human), and she has been there for me through more than you could imagine. My mom has been my ride or die since day one, and sometimes we fight and it kills me. I love to sing and dance, I'm a little crazy when it comes to dancing. I can play the drums like a boss, but I know I always have room to improve. I love running, and not because its gonna help me lose weight. I am a very passionate person, and I understand that sometimes its a little much.
BUT. It is no reason for me to hide.
I am bright
I am funny
I make people smile and honestly, that makes me smile
I am BEAUTIFUL. Not just because my genetics turned out good, but because I have an amazing soul.
Hey! You! Your not alone out there! We've been through a lot, you and I. But I see you. I see your potential. I see your BEAUTY for what it is, not just the surface value. I see your ambition and your thoughts. I see that little sparkle in your eye that your trying to hide because it makes you different. I see you. Don't cut your hair, don't stop laughing at the sun, don't stop drawing, writing, composing, creating. Don't stop just because THEY tell you to. Just because the people around you that you are striving to impress say so. You are not them, and that's what makes you so individually beautiful. Don't go home and change your pants just because someone doesn't like them. You look amazing in those pants. Nothing is gonna change my mind.
Even you, you beautiful flower. You might think your just another daisy standing in a huge filed of daisy, but your not. You are one flower. Your not going to the same place as the daisies around you. your not gonna be in a bouquet with a bunch of the same flowers. Your gonna be a part of something bigger than where you are right now.
I'm sorry it took me so long to stop trying so hard to be what I'm not to make you happy. I realize now that my true joy is more infectious than my desperation to be accepted. To the girl that said she was jealous of me, you need not be. You are SO TOTALLY allowed to be yourself. Dance when the music stops, I dare you. You don't think I was scared of rejection when I took my first step? I'll take it with you, and we can be different together.
You don't know where your headed, but the sun is shining today. So grow. Soak in the rain when it comes. Let your roots grow further and sturdier when a storm hits, and DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.
Wait, what?
Yes. I've been told this. Like, recently.
My initial reaction was like "Dude I've pretty much spent 9 or 10 years of my life trying to be a part of the 'group'!" and I was sorta ashamed to say that. So of course I did some self reflecting.
Bullying is a really big part of my youth. I grew up being bullied. Pretty much from the first day of first grade till now, I've been bullied. I was not strong in myself. I was not the one little kid that was being bullied and completely oblivious, dancing around on the playground like a little butterfly. NOPE. NOT ME.
No. I was hecka worried about being a part of the 'group' (BY THE WAY KIDS. I NEVER WAS. PLEASE. LISTEN, ABSORB, AND DON'T LOSE YOURSELF) My mom and I were talking the other day and she was like "The Group. Man, I hated that word. Every day after school you'd come home and tell me what the group said you had to do to be accepted!"
I don't remember much. I remember coming home crying pretty much every day after school (yes, for like 8 years. Not even kidding). I remember my little kid pep talks to myself:
"Okay Georgia. Its time to do it. You always say you want change, so LETS DO IT. You're done being Georgia. Lets be Nichole. Lets get fit and go back to school with everyone wanting to be our friend" as I rode my bike up and down my driveway, determined to be liked.
I remember thinking about how cool it would be if I could change my name and shave my head and come back to school a 'boy'. Maybe people would forget about Georgia and like ME instead! I remember buying things I thought the kids would like. I got matching glasses with a girl in my class, thinking it would help me be included in the group (I actually needed the glasses. It was just convenient to get the same ones as this other girl).
I remember the weight loss plans, the first time I wore eyeliner, because the other girls in my grade were. I got laughed at because my line was wobbly. In the 4th grade, I created an imaginary friend (Harry Potter) because I didn't have any one else and I got tired of sitting alone on the school bus. I felt disliked by my teachers. I knew my peers didn't like me. They reminded me every day.
I was not strong in myself. I dressed how I thought they wanted. I tried to stay out of their ways. I did everything I possibly could to be less hated. Everything.
Now I realize how wrong that was. We were FIRST GRADERS. I shouldn't have been asking my mom what was wrong with me. I shouldn't have been letting some 6 year old cut me in line so she could be closer to her friend, maybe giving me some brownie points. All I was, was a stupid doormat for everyone to walk on, and boy did I let them walk on me.
"I'll be better. I can be better. I just need to change this"
They didn't like me because they didn't want to.
I used to tell the new kids that they wouldn't stand a chance with the crowd if they hung out with me. I remember being told in the third grade that some girls had to hang out with me because their mothers had told them to. I was so excited that someone was hanging out with me. I remember thinking "Their mom knows what my mom has been telling me!" and I got to spend three days, here or there, hanging with the group.
Every kid goes through those days in junior high with the acne problems and bad hair and makeup. I remember my mom telling me almost every day "they are just as insecure as you are." "you are beautiful." "your good at writing." "you are an amazing drummer. Don't let those boys take your time away. You've earned it" I remember looking in the mirror and thinking "whats wrong with my skin?" I remember sitting at the drum kit, trying to stay true to what my mom said, and giving up as soon as their drum sticks left welts on my skin.
"Oh my gosh! You should have told someone!" Yeah, I know. I was scared. I didn't want to get the group in trouble. Plus, the times I did tell, nothing happened and I felt like a tatle-tale and that was no fun. I used to stand on top of the blacktop/ball wall platform at my school and write/sing songs all lunch recess. Or i glued myself to a pole that no one ever went to or played around. I'd just shy away. I mean, I don't think I was shy. I felt awkward giving presentations, standing in front of people who hated me. Performing in talent shows, knowing if I made one mistake, I'd be the talk of the town for WEEKS. Yes.
I was scared. Terrified. Yet, somehow, I did it anyways.
That is how I know I was not shy.
Hi. I'm Georgetta Nichole Falk. I'm 17 years old and I have slight social anxiety. Being in a large crowd scares me. I have a rough time letting people get close to me. I've had the worlds most amazing best friend since I was in the 4th grade (yes, shes a real human), and she has been there for me through more than you could imagine. My mom has been my ride or die since day one, and sometimes we fight and it kills me. I love to sing and dance, I'm a little crazy when it comes to dancing. I can play the drums like a boss, but I know I always have room to improve. I love running, and not because its gonna help me lose weight. I am a very passionate person, and I understand that sometimes its a little much.
BUT. It is no reason for me to hide.
I am bright
I am funny
I make people smile and honestly, that makes me smile
I am BEAUTIFUL. Not just because my genetics turned out good, but because I have an amazing soul.
Hey! You! Your not alone out there! We've been through a lot, you and I. But I see you. I see your potential. I see your BEAUTY for what it is, not just the surface value. I see your ambition and your thoughts. I see that little sparkle in your eye that your trying to hide because it makes you different. I see you. Don't cut your hair, don't stop laughing at the sun, don't stop drawing, writing, composing, creating. Don't stop just because THEY tell you to. Just because the people around you that you are striving to impress say so. You are not them, and that's what makes you so individually beautiful. Don't go home and change your pants just because someone doesn't like them. You look amazing in those pants. Nothing is gonna change my mind.
Even you, you beautiful flower. You might think your just another daisy standing in a huge filed of daisy, but your not. You are one flower. Your not going to the same place as the daisies around you. your not gonna be in a bouquet with a bunch of the same flowers. Your gonna be a part of something bigger than where you are right now.
I'm sorry it took me so long to stop trying so hard to be what I'm not to make you happy. I realize now that my true joy is more infectious than my desperation to be accepted. To the girl that said she was jealous of me, you need not be. You are SO TOTALLY allowed to be yourself. Dance when the music stops, I dare you. You don't think I was scared of rejection when I took my first step? I'll take it with you, and we can be different together.
You don't know where your headed, but the sun is shining today. So grow. Soak in the rain when it comes. Let your roots grow further and sturdier when a storm hits, and DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.
Sunday, October 8, 2017
Am I Brave Enough?
School has defiantly started. School shopping has taken place (thank you to my personal stylist, my mother), and first day jitters have worn off. I'm a senior in high school. I still cant believe it. I don't feel like I should be. I feel like I'm 10 and I have so much growing to do.
I'm looking for colleges. I'm planning my future, I'm going to be legal to vote. Live on my own. I'm going to actually be an adult that has to pick out their own clothes and shop online for the best deals without their mom saying "yeah, I think that's a good deal". I'll be paying taxes and doing jobs. I'm gonna have to do the dishes without my mom telling me to. No one is gonna wake me up and cook me breakfast. This is it for me. This is the beginning of the end of my childhood. I wont be able to grumble at my parents, except for over the phone. I'll be figuring out my life on my own. I'll have to be brave and take leaps. I'm going to be in charge of curfew and standing up for myself. I'm not going to be able to give my mom seven million hugs a day. I have to be brave now... but do I have what it takes?
Thats the only question. Do I have what it takes? Am I enough?
Is it a state of mind? Where am I going? Am I brave enough? Brave enough to just say yes to opportunity. To take a shot in the face of fear. Brave enough to accept myself. Am I brave enough to face rejection by peers and teachers. People I want to impress with my writing. Singing, dancing. Anything that is me. Am I brave enough to be myself and take a no? To give it all I have, and still fall short?
I know what the pain of rejection feels like. I know what it is to give 100 and still fall short. I know what it feels like to feel crazy and alone. To feel isolated and abandoned, so am I brave enough to take that risk on a larger scale? If walking into a school of 200 kids terrifies me, and I brave enough to walk into a school with more than a thousand?
Am I brave enough to let all of that go?
My mom always says "Let it go". I heard a guest speaker a year or two ago that said the key to true happiness is to "let it go". Can I? Can I actually just let it go? Is it one breath of air before diving in? Before hitting "send" on that college application. Of making a choice? Or is it mental fortitude? Is it 15 seconds of courage? Does it take more than 15? Or less? Is it the once second you say yes that changes everything? What if I make the wrong choice? Is all of this ridiculous?
I'll be honest. I'm ashamed of my possible lack of faith. My parents have raised me amazing, I know I'm not the one in control of whether or not any of this works. I don't have a say in what God's plan for me is. It will be way better than anything I could dream up anyways.
Am I going to be brave enough to go where he needs me? What if he says "Hey G, I'm gonna need you to risk this relationship so this amazing thing can happen"? Like, being left by someone I love is probably my biggest fear. Being rejected, anyways. Is that my biggest fear? I mean, I don't even know my own biggest fear. So how am I supposed to conquer it? What if it is my biggest fear and I'm so scared of being rejected for it that I won't even admit it to myself?
I could honestly spend the rest of your day (and mine) asking "what if's" that all relate directly to this topic. There are millions! And I've probably spent enough time over thinking it, that I could do it quite successfully. But whats the point? How am I going to ever be brave enough if I don't just get out there and do it? I'm gonna get off my laptop and start motivating myself now. I hope Y'all have a fabulous day.
I'm looking for colleges. I'm planning my future, I'm going to be legal to vote. Live on my own. I'm going to actually be an adult that has to pick out their own clothes and shop online for the best deals without their mom saying "yeah, I think that's a good deal". I'll be paying taxes and doing jobs. I'm gonna have to do the dishes without my mom telling me to. No one is gonna wake me up and cook me breakfast. This is it for me. This is the beginning of the end of my childhood. I wont be able to grumble at my parents, except for over the phone. I'll be figuring out my life on my own. I'll have to be brave and take leaps. I'm going to be in charge of curfew and standing up for myself. I'm not going to be able to give my mom seven million hugs a day. I have to be brave now... but do I have what it takes?
Thats the only question. Do I have what it takes? Am I enough?
Is it a state of mind? Where am I going? Am I brave enough? Brave enough to just say yes to opportunity. To take a shot in the face of fear. Brave enough to accept myself. Am I brave enough to face rejection by peers and teachers. People I want to impress with my writing. Singing, dancing. Anything that is me. Am I brave enough to be myself and take a no? To give it all I have, and still fall short?
I know what the pain of rejection feels like. I know what it is to give 100 and still fall short. I know what it feels like to feel crazy and alone. To feel isolated and abandoned, so am I brave enough to take that risk on a larger scale? If walking into a school of 200 kids terrifies me, and I brave enough to walk into a school with more than a thousand?
Am I brave enough to let all of that go?
My mom always says "Let it go". I heard a guest speaker a year or two ago that said the key to true happiness is to "let it go". Can I? Can I actually just let it go? Is it one breath of air before diving in? Before hitting "send" on that college application. Of making a choice? Or is it mental fortitude? Is it 15 seconds of courage? Does it take more than 15? Or less? Is it the once second you say yes that changes everything? What if I make the wrong choice? Is all of this ridiculous?
I'll be honest. I'm ashamed of my possible lack of faith. My parents have raised me amazing, I know I'm not the one in control of whether or not any of this works. I don't have a say in what God's plan for me is. It will be way better than anything I could dream up anyways.
Am I going to be brave enough to go where he needs me? What if he says "Hey G, I'm gonna need you to risk this relationship so this amazing thing can happen"? Like, being left by someone I love is probably my biggest fear. Being rejected, anyways. Is that my biggest fear? I mean, I don't even know my own biggest fear. So how am I supposed to conquer it? What if it is my biggest fear and I'm so scared of being rejected for it that I won't even admit it to myself?
I could honestly spend the rest of your day (and mine) asking "what if's" that all relate directly to this topic. There are millions! And I've probably spent enough time over thinking it, that I could do it quite successfully. But whats the point? How am I going to ever be brave enough if I don't just get out there and do it? I'm gonna get off my laptop and start motivating myself now. I hope Y'all have a fabulous day.
YOU GOT THIS. YOU ROCK. YOU SHINE.
Saturday, October 7, 2017
Fall is...
Helllooooooo my lovely people!! Fall has sprung! (ahhha! not just a spring term). Sprung like a little kitten out of a tree, some tall grass, or maybe out from behind a plant pot next to the front door. With kittens, you never really know from where they will pounce.
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| This is Spook. He's my little swamp kitty <3 |
Point is, Fall is here, and I am going to share with you what that looks like for me (In a poetic form because yolo) 💞
Fall is crunchy crackers and tomato soup
Fall is rainy days and coffee with my mom
Fall is walks down the road in layers because it might become warm
Fall is picking up apples out of our yard
Fall is hunting season
Fall is vibrant colors and ever present good lighting
Fall is "Maybe it will snow. maybe it will rain. Maybe lightning. Maybe 90 degrees"
Fall is pumpkin smashing
Fall is pumpkin carving
Fall is team bonfires and homecoming
Fall is a change in plates
Fall is shamelessly wearing knee socks and shorts
Fall is Brown sugar and cinnamon
Fall is using your oven during the day for the first time in 5 months
Fall is little kittens getting in the way, but also snuggling
Fall is cute boots and flannel shirts
Fall is back to school, but wait, didn't school start a month ago?
Fall is "wow. this year went so fast!"
Fall is Mint M&M's and caramel macchiatos
Fall is raking leaves, too hot to wear a sweater, but too cold to take it off
Fall is the smell of library books
Fall is burgundy lipstick and aesthetic outfits
Fall is Mommy and Me time
Fall is Halloween Town and Hallmark
Fall is warm flavors and spices, almonds and walnuts
Fall is a house that smells like zucchini bread
Fall is warm hands to hold (unless your holding mine)
Fall is brisk mornings and snowy mountains
Fall also typically includes me tripping a lot, but thats every season
What does your Fall look like? Snuggle up with a hot cup of coffee or cider and drop it in the comments! I REALLY want to know!! Also, go ahead and check out my school blog,
thegeorgiasideofthings.wordpress.com
Thank you!!
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Breaking Ice
Do you ever have those days (or weeks, in my case) where your walking on ice, and no matter what you do, no matter how light or quick you step, you always shatter?
These weeks are always pretty emotional for me. Which usually makes it worse. Why am I crying? Legit, nothing happened. I feel like I can't do anything right. The dishes, the floors, my simplest chores, and to top it all off, I talk excessively and my temper is short, making already difficult situations, even worse. I find myself whispering "wisdom keeps her mouth shut" more and more urgently till I feel like I have to yell it at myself.
Do you ever feel like your mind is saying one thing, but your entire body is in strict defiance? Georgia, don't do that. HAHA! TOO LATE SUCKAAAA!
Because if so, SAME.
My family gets really tired of my attitude, and so do I. Not just because I miss out on things, like the valuable time I get to spend with my friend in-between our hectic schedules, but also on life itself. I feel like the second I step anywhere near humans, I'm going to explode.
I'm assuming none of you have read the book "Unwound" and I honestly don't really know if I recommend it. Its a strange book. One of the key parts of the book are characters called Clappers. They drink (or inject, they never made it clear) a substance into their system that makes them extremely explosive. Like, touching them could make them blow up. They are suicide bombers, and all they have to do is clap to detonate. Like I said though. It could even just be too warm, and they could blow up.
I feel like I am a Clapper. Nothing big has to happen, I just explode, and I know that that is really toxic, for me AND the people around me. I also feel alone in this struggle.
As I am reminded, everybody else can contain their emotion. Its not just anger, it excitement, sadness, pain, joy, just whatever. I'm always over the top expressing it.
One of my friends brought up (in love, I think) that it could be because I hold anger in my heart. Anger at what though? I think mostly I'm angry at myself. Why am I like this? Why do I do this? Why cant I just be RIGHT or ENOUGH. Why am I so sensitive and passionate?
I've done a lot of self evaluation because I enjoy over thinking and excessive contemplation about things like this, and I've figured it out.
What actually adds meaning to ones life?
I think it depends on who you are. Maybe meaning in your life means that every day, you go to school and teach 12 kids real things that they are gonna need later on in life. Maybe it means that you get your teenagers out of bed and make them go to school, and go to their football games and cross country meets. Maybe it means you help people pay off debt, or get to see a kids eyes light up when they look at their bank account growing. Maybe you make people glow every day because you changed their hair and that made a difference in their life.
Could it just be perspective? Are you allowing things in your life to give your life meaning? Or are you just searching for something to fill that spot? Maybe the whole thing is that you don't realize how truly valuable you are in others lives.
I had a friend that used to wake up every day of his life and ask himself "why? Why am I doing this? Why do I wake up every morning and go work all day just so I can come home to bills I can't pay and stress myself to sleep so I can wake up the next morning and do it all again?" He's 18. He works at a gas station. However, he helped me find the meaning in my life (or one thing that adds meaning, because as I've been searching, I have found MANY things that put meaning in my life, such as this blog), and that helped him find his (or one of his. He has many meanings, I'm just waiting for his Great Awakening)
He told me once, that I helped him wake up for school every morning. I was really confused, because we didn't even talk that much. He continued on about how he figured that if I could come to school and go through the same thing with the same kid everyday, just hoping to make a difference, he could come to school and do his best to make a difference. I hadn't realized that I was doing anything that would affect anyone, I was in a low spot (I seem to be in a lot of them???) and kinda felt like it was pointless. But that boosted me. I was like "yeah, I got this" and started working harder, and the kid was right beside me. We kinda pushed each other, and he graduated with good grades, and I ended the school year on an extremely positive note.
Maybe at this point you don't see it, but I can assure you, your life has meaning. As One Direction said (Before they went 5 directions) "you don't know your beautiful" and to prove it right, they put it in a song. So to prove I'm right, I put it in a blog. Your life has a meaning. What are you gonna do with it?
These weeks are always pretty emotional for me. Which usually makes it worse. Why am I crying? Legit, nothing happened. I feel like I can't do anything right. The dishes, the floors, my simplest chores, and to top it all off, I talk excessively and my temper is short, making already difficult situations, even worse. I find myself whispering "wisdom keeps her mouth shut" more and more urgently till I feel like I have to yell it at myself.
Do you ever feel like your mind is saying one thing, but your entire body is in strict defiance? Georgia, don't do that. HAHA! TOO LATE SUCKAAAA!
Because if so, SAME.
My family gets really tired of my attitude, and so do I. Not just because I miss out on things, like the valuable time I get to spend with my friend in-between our hectic schedules, but also on life itself. I feel like the second I step anywhere near humans, I'm going to explode.
I'm assuming none of you have read the book "Unwound" and I honestly don't really know if I recommend it. Its a strange book. One of the key parts of the book are characters called Clappers. They drink (or inject, they never made it clear) a substance into their system that makes them extremely explosive. Like, touching them could make them blow up. They are suicide bombers, and all they have to do is clap to detonate. Like I said though. It could even just be too warm, and they could blow up.
I feel like I am a Clapper. Nothing big has to happen, I just explode, and I know that that is really toxic, for me AND the people around me. I also feel alone in this struggle.
As I am reminded, everybody else can contain their emotion. Its not just anger, it excitement, sadness, pain, joy, just whatever. I'm always over the top expressing it.
One of my friends brought up (in love, I think) that it could be because I hold anger in my heart. Anger at what though? I think mostly I'm angry at myself. Why am I like this? Why do I do this? Why cant I just be RIGHT or ENOUGH. Why am I so sensitive and passionate?
I've done a lot of self evaluation because I enjoy over thinking and excessive contemplation about things like this, and I've figured it out.
What actually adds meaning to ones life?
I think it depends on who you are. Maybe meaning in your life means that every day, you go to school and teach 12 kids real things that they are gonna need later on in life. Maybe it means that you get your teenagers out of bed and make them go to school, and go to their football games and cross country meets. Maybe it means you help people pay off debt, or get to see a kids eyes light up when they look at their bank account growing. Maybe you make people glow every day because you changed their hair and that made a difference in their life.
Could it just be perspective? Are you allowing things in your life to give your life meaning? Or are you just searching for something to fill that spot? Maybe the whole thing is that you don't realize how truly valuable you are in others lives.
I had a friend that used to wake up every day of his life and ask himself "why? Why am I doing this? Why do I wake up every morning and go work all day just so I can come home to bills I can't pay and stress myself to sleep so I can wake up the next morning and do it all again?" He's 18. He works at a gas station. However, he helped me find the meaning in my life (or one thing that adds meaning, because as I've been searching, I have found MANY things that put meaning in my life, such as this blog), and that helped him find his (or one of his. He has many meanings, I'm just waiting for his Great Awakening)
He told me once, that I helped him wake up for school every morning. I was really confused, because we didn't even talk that much. He continued on about how he figured that if I could come to school and go through the same thing with the same kid everyday, just hoping to make a difference, he could come to school and do his best to make a difference. I hadn't realized that I was doing anything that would affect anyone, I was in a low spot (I seem to be in a lot of them???) and kinda felt like it was pointless. But that boosted me. I was like "yeah, I got this" and started working harder, and the kid was right beside me. We kinda pushed each other, and he graduated with good grades, and I ended the school year on an extremely positive note.
Maybe at this point you don't see it, but I can assure you, your life has meaning. As One Direction said (Before they went 5 directions) "you don't know your beautiful" and to prove it right, they put it in a song. So to prove I'm right, I put it in a blog. Your life has a meaning. What are you gonna do with it?
Sunday, October 1, 2017
Don't Let Your Dreams Be Dreams
As some of you may be aware, I AM BACK ON THE EHS CHEER SQUAD!!!!!! Which isn't recent, it happened over the summer, thanks to hard work from Maria (my teacher), my parents, and EHS School Board.
Here is what I was expecting: Friday night lights, cute uniforms, fun senior year.
Here is what I got: A beautiful, amazing, close knit team; the cutest uniforms ever; participation in a college spirit day for WSU; to ride on top of a huge fire truck as we car rallied all over town; became part of a penguin power team; a group of girls that are my friends, even outside of cheer; awesome dance buddies; confidence; and most important, appreciation.
Homecoming was yesterday, and I say yesterday because it was ALL DAY. I spent 12 hours (or more??) in my uniform. We had a school-wide team breakfast at 9 (I was ready by 8:20), then car rally, volleyball games, team dinner, then the game, which ended around 10, (because the ENTIRE FOOTBALL FIELDS LIGHTS WENT OUT AND IT TOOK A GOOD 20-30 MIN TO GET THEM ON AGAIN. The whole entire field was dark, and we stood on the cheer platform and INVENTED CHEERS, ON THE SPOT, TO KEEP PEOPLE ENTERTAINED. IT WAS SO AMAZING OH MY LORD.) and I was in my uniform for all of that. Needless to say, putting on my Homecoming dress was such a relief.
The hoco court was BEAUTIFUL. Ashley, Eliza, Riley, and Reece were all stunning in their long evening gowns, glistening under the lights, their escorts, Brett, Brycen, Cole, and Trent ranged from football players to cross country runners and entrepreneurs. Eliza and Cole took the crowns, and we named our new mascot Oakley.
The whole day was like something out of one of my dreams. It was full of laughter, cheering, pep, and just complete and total belonging. As I sat on top of the fire truck that morning, 10 cheerleaders with me, I honestly felt like I was given a wish through Make A Wish.
When I transferred to the school I go to now, I knew it was for the best. I needed a space where I could just do school and that was it. I knew I had to give up sports and FFA and music, and that hurt. I never thought I would get it back, but I knew I couldn't get my life back together enough if I didn't transfer, so I severed those ties and went to work on piecing myself back together. In the past two years, I have spent two summers working on school work. (even when I wasn't, I was hard core stressing over it, which I know is never healthy) When I transferred, I started actually getting work done, letting go of stress, and getting things back together. It burned that I was in a place that I could finally cheer again.... but still couldn't.
Then all of a sudden, like a ray of light in the dark (not even kidding or being poetic), cheer became an option. Like, a tangible, real option for me.
This is where I stop and make a lame comparison. #bunny_trail
When I was 14 years old, I broke my ankle within the first week and a half of summer. I had two solid months of travel planned out, I was pumped, ready for adventure and excitement. Yes, I still got to do all of it, but I was in a wheelchair. Or on crutches. Or just in pain and lagging behind everyone else because learning to walk on your foot again after a couple months HURTS. Seriously, I don't recommend it. Slowly, I was allowed to walk further, maybe pick up the pace a little. No jumping yet, no running. Weird how when something is taken from you, its all you want.
I never went running or did much true exercise outside of farm work before that summer. As soon as my doctor okayed it though, I was running, jumping, riding my bike. EXERCISING. Even today I still go for runs. I love the muscle I'm building in my legs, even though its hard to find skinny jeans that fit your calves and your waist... hahahaha......
Point is, I take care of my legs because for a short time I couldn't utilize them. I knew I would get them back (duh, it was a cracked ankle. I'm so dramatic sometimes) regardless, I'm thankful for my legs.
NOW MAGNIFY THAT. BY A MILLION. Because I didn't think I would ever cheer again. I thought I wouldn't ever wear that uniform again. Yet, there I was, glowing. Its mine again. Cheer is mine, and so much better than it ever was. I'm still sitting here in complete astonishment of how completely and totally lucky I am.
I worked, thinking that I wouldn't get any reward except graduating. I put in hours after school, on the weekends, over summers. I didn't expect cheer. I was completely ready to graduate high school, and go to college, and watch the games, and wish that I had just gotten my life together so I could cheer.
I'm honestly just typing words into my laptop at this point. I am so blown away, so full of complete gratitude to my teacher, who didn't give up on me, my parents, who pushed me, and the superintendent and school board of EHS. You all worked together and honestly made my dreams come true.
Appreciate what you have. Every pain you feel. It makes life rich. All that joy, all that excitement. Even when you drag your feet to football practice or cross country or basketball or wrestling because your tired. APPRECIATE IT. Because really, it could be taken from you. You might be thinking "nah, I'll just always do the right thing and I'll never lose it". Well not to be dramatic, but you really don't know. You don't know whats around the corner. You don't know whats lurking up ahead. My classmate didn't think they were gonna total their truck but one morning it was icy and they had to break for an elk. You really just don't know. Take care of what you have. Take care of your body, your mind. Take care of your relationships. Take care and appreciate.
Thats the most solid advice I can give you. Have an attitude of gratitude. Life will sparkle a lot more once you do.
Here is what I was expecting: Friday night lights, cute uniforms, fun senior year.
Here is what I got: A beautiful, amazing, close knit team; the cutest uniforms ever; participation in a college spirit day for WSU; to ride on top of a huge fire truck as we car rallied all over town; became part of a penguin power team; a group of girls that are my friends, even outside of cheer; awesome dance buddies; confidence; and most important, appreciation.
Homecoming was yesterday, and I say yesterday because it was ALL DAY. I spent 12 hours (or more??) in my uniform. We had a school-wide team breakfast at 9 (I was ready by 8:20), then car rally, volleyball games, team dinner, then the game, which ended around 10, (because the ENTIRE FOOTBALL FIELDS LIGHTS WENT OUT AND IT TOOK A GOOD 20-30 MIN TO GET THEM ON AGAIN. The whole entire field was dark, and we stood on the cheer platform and INVENTED CHEERS, ON THE SPOT, TO KEEP PEOPLE ENTERTAINED. IT WAS SO AMAZING OH MY LORD.) and I was in my uniform for all of that. Needless to say, putting on my Homecoming dress was such a relief.
The hoco court was BEAUTIFUL. Ashley, Eliza, Riley, and Reece were all stunning in their long evening gowns, glistening under the lights, their escorts, Brett, Brycen, Cole, and Trent ranged from football players to cross country runners and entrepreneurs. Eliza and Cole took the crowns, and we named our new mascot Oakley.
The whole day was like something out of one of my dreams. It was full of laughter, cheering, pep, and just complete and total belonging. As I sat on top of the fire truck that morning, 10 cheerleaders with me, I honestly felt like I was given a wish through Make A Wish.
When I transferred to the school I go to now, I knew it was for the best. I needed a space where I could just do school and that was it. I knew I had to give up sports and FFA and music, and that hurt. I never thought I would get it back, but I knew I couldn't get my life back together enough if I didn't transfer, so I severed those ties and went to work on piecing myself back together. In the past two years, I have spent two summers working on school work. (even when I wasn't, I was hard core stressing over it, which I know is never healthy) When I transferred, I started actually getting work done, letting go of stress, and getting things back together. It burned that I was in a place that I could finally cheer again.... but still couldn't.
Then all of a sudden, like a ray of light in the dark (not even kidding or being poetic), cheer became an option. Like, a tangible, real option for me.
This is where I stop and make a lame comparison. #bunny_trail
When I was 14 years old, I broke my ankle within the first week and a half of summer. I had two solid months of travel planned out, I was pumped, ready for adventure and excitement. Yes, I still got to do all of it, but I was in a wheelchair. Or on crutches. Or just in pain and lagging behind everyone else because learning to walk on your foot again after a couple months HURTS. Seriously, I don't recommend it. Slowly, I was allowed to walk further, maybe pick up the pace a little. No jumping yet, no running. Weird how when something is taken from you, its all you want.
I never went running or did much true exercise outside of farm work before that summer. As soon as my doctor okayed it though, I was running, jumping, riding my bike. EXERCISING. Even today I still go for runs. I love the muscle I'm building in my legs, even though its hard to find skinny jeans that fit your calves and your waist... hahahaha......
Point is, I take care of my legs because for a short time I couldn't utilize them. I knew I would get them back (duh, it was a cracked ankle. I'm so dramatic sometimes) regardless, I'm thankful for my legs.
NOW MAGNIFY THAT. BY A MILLION. Because I didn't think I would ever cheer again. I thought I wouldn't ever wear that uniform again. Yet, there I was, glowing. Its mine again. Cheer is mine, and so much better than it ever was. I'm still sitting here in complete astonishment of how completely and totally lucky I am.
I worked, thinking that I wouldn't get any reward except graduating. I put in hours after school, on the weekends, over summers. I didn't expect cheer. I was completely ready to graduate high school, and go to college, and watch the games, and wish that I had just gotten my life together so I could cheer.
I'm honestly just typing words into my laptop at this point. I am so blown away, so full of complete gratitude to my teacher, who didn't give up on me, my parents, who pushed me, and the superintendent and school board of EHS. You all worked together and honestly made my dreams come true.
Appreciate what you have. Every pain you feel. It makes life rich. All that joy, all that excitement. Even when you drag your feet to football practice or cross country or basketball or wrestling because your tired. APPRECIATE IT. Because really, it could be taken from you. You might be thinking "nah, I'll just always do the right thing and I'll never lose it". Well not to be dramatic, but you really don't know. You don't know whats around the corner. You don't know whats lurking up ahead. My classmate didn't think they were gonna total their truck but one morning it was icy and they had to break for an elk. You really just don't know. Take care of what you have. Take care of your body, your mind. Take care of your relationships. Take care and appreciate.
Thats the most solid advice I can give you. Have an attitude of gratitude. Life will sparkle a lot more once you do.
Saturday, September 23, 2017
I Hope This Finds You
I shout, I swear, I get angry, I get scared
I fall, I break, I mess up, I make mistakes
But if you can't take me at my worst
You don't deserve me at my best
Do you know that song? I love it. I was blasting it in my room as I danced around getting ready for a neighboring schools Homecoming celebrations. Its one of those songs that makes me want to scream in anger, cry with pain, and shout in triumph. Is that just a Georgia thing, or do other people have songs in their lives like that? I used to go up to my barn on nights that were particularly hard for me and just belt it out. Whatever song. All genres. Sometimes id go up their and scream till my voice was gone, or I'd sit and cry till I was too tired. I never let my pain show at school. Yes, my grades were horrible, but my smile never faltered. See, I was scared of appearing weak. Instead of gallantly fighting for myself, I just let myself slip between cracks I tried desperately to keep others from falling through.
A slam poet came to my school the other day to present, and his poems were very raw. He used hip hop vibes, gangster rap , and words that will slice you open to get his point across: Vulnerability is strength.
Some of you may read that or hear it and think "how tho???" Its about mental fortitude, I think. Has someone ever said something really alarming to you about their lives? Like, they don't cringe when they talk about abusive relationships with substance or people alike. Its because they are not afraid of it any more. Have you thought of it that way? Because I really haven't. I just knew it was stronger to admit your weak then to hide it. They can share that, they can say "Look man, I did this, and it wasn't good, but look where I am now"
Perspective is so much. The other day, a UPS guy came into my school, looking tired and worn down. I asked him if it ever occurred to him that he could be delivering some little kids smile. I didn't really think anything of it. I saw a commercial about how UPS guys are the heroes of Christmas for always bringing the gifts. like they are the real Santa. My teacher told me the next day that I made that guys day, and that honestly made my day.
Sometimes I say things on my blog and I catch my breath because I've never been so open about it before, but I took its power. That issue, that pain, I use it to maybe give someone else hope. It might have been for bad, but I'm determined to use it for good.
The song continues:
Look, life is about making mistakes
It's also about trying to be great, right
Do not let failure scare you away
I know you fed up, you fall, get up...
Look at all the years
I've been waiting for a moment
Shed a lot of tears
Just to smile in the morning
I try to turn every little bit of pain, every moment of toil, i try to turn all of it into a growing and learning opportunity. I am an overcomer, and so are you.
I just feel a very big need to tell you this.
You are so important. You might be down right now. You might be hurting, but you are so much more than this. Than right now. You have so much ahead of you, so much behind you, so much INSIDE of you. Don't deprive the world of that. I can't be the only one splitting at the seams with passion. I wanna see yours.
I believe in you.
You are so strong. Brilliant. You make people smile, even if you aren't aware of it. I can't tell you how important, how relevant, how ENOUGH you are. Maybe you feel small right now. Maybe you feel hopeless, maybe you feel broken. Maybe you've hit rock bottom. I've been there! I've stood at the bottom of impossibility, and found my way to the top, and so can you. SO CAN YOU.
You are glorious
You are resilient
You are so strong
You gotta SHINE. You're here for a reason. Maybe you cant see it yet. Have you ever thought that you are the one person making all the difference in someones life? maybe all it is is a "wow you look cute today" or maybe you just smile at someone who feels invisible. maybe its something random you say that sparks something in someone else.
Here is to the UPS and FedEx guys who deliver packages that are waited for eagerly. Here is too the teacher that remembers that one of your students really likes Mint M&Ms. here is to the small things that make a huge impact, and the person who just made it doesn't even realize it. YOU are that person for someone. I assure you.
So here it is. here is to YOU. Wherever you are, whoever you are. whatever your going through. Thank you. Just reading my blog has made a difference in my life, and I appreciate you beyond belief.
Monday, August 21, 2017
Dear Rachel,
We just got back from our last late night walk as *kids*. The next time I see you, we will both be legal adults that graduated from high school (unless I see you over Spring break).
Its been a long 7 years, in which it feels like we have some how spent so much time together, yet none at all. The first time I saw you, I was headed into the 4th grade. You had come to America for the year to spend it with your grandparents (My new neighbors. Or maybe we were the new neighbors). Noah was so little. We all were. We had that little spot in the tree between our houses that we made into a janky tree house, and later Grandpa Norman turned it into a *huge tree house with a roof and everything. I remember the cold nights after school where we would go down and play with dolls, or just talk. We had a cow bell that we rang if we were there, and if we heard the cow bell, we were supposed to come running (if we could). The first year you left back to Russia was hard. You had become my best friend in that short year. Even though you started out more distant from me.
The next time you cant back, we were both in Jr. High. That whole year was a mess. I don't even remember what we were fighting about, I just know it lasted the whole year. I think it had to do with horses? Or was that our freshman year fight? Some how, you were my best friend, even though we fought and annoyed the heck out of each other. However, it was easier to say good bye. No more fighting, right? WRONG. Facebook is a thing. I don't know how we resolved it. I'm just glad we did.
Over the next few years, we bonded a lot over Facebook. We didn't really get to see each other, the last time you were up it was only for three months instead of the year, and it felt like it flew by so fast. We cried together, laughed together. You somehow filled a hole inside of me that I didn't even know was there. This year, we only spent a little bit of time together, because we both had work and seemed to have different times off, all the time. The time we did have together though, was amazing.
I love our late night walks, when its just you and me. The darkness covering us, keeping our secrets. Maybe we just gossip about school and work and different events in the community, maybe we spill our souls and secrets. Sometimes all we did was tell each other how glad we are to have each other in our lives. We talk about the past. How ugly (or not) we were as little kids, junior high, maybe even now. Compliment each other, Yell at each other to shut up because "I happen to know for a fact that I am not attractive" but "thats funny because I know for a fact that you are"
I love how defensive we get over each other. Nobody messes with you if I have anything to say about it, and nobody messes with me if you have something to say about it.
Today in the car we talked about our college plans, you're going to Arizona. I'm staying in Oregon. I told you how I was scared of being left behind because you were gonna go and do great things, and I was just gonna be Georgia from Oregon, if anybody knows who that is. You laughed like it was unthinkable that I could ever be forgettable, or left behind.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I'm gonna miss you. I can't believe we are headed into the next book of our lives already. It feels like just a few years ago that you knocked on my door, inviting us to Noah's birthday party. Making up stories about Austin, going fishing with Grandpa Norman, riding a mule up a mountain, watching fireworks on the lake marine, riding our horses through yards (and a fence), eating ice cream in the dead of night, watching some movie we found on the internet. camping, arguing, learning, insulting, complimenting, crying, laughing, building, growing. Till now when all of a sudden we are at the peak of the mountain, and we get to look across all that we have done together. I've had seven brilliant years with you, and now we just get more and more years.
Adulthood, no one to pick us up if the car breaks down. We will have to find a new place to get milkshakes, somewhere in between Oregon and Arizona. All the new adventures and challenges life is going to throw at us. Who am I gonna be? Who are YOU gonna be? I hope we are still an Us, because I love you. I've never met someone so head strong, determined, beautiful, resilient, intelligent, annoying person in my life. How can you sing off key so perfectly? How do you make the Backstreet Boys feel like the best pop music in the world? How can you take me from 0 to a hundred with an insult? ive never met someone who can actually make my day by insulting me till I met you, and I love you all the more for it (Mostly because I know you don't mean it)
I can't wait to see you again, best friend. I am so excited to see what life has in store for us. Till then, I miss you like crazy.
XOXO, G
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